Dear Tee,
How’s your weekend going?

Buckle up because this is going to be a long one 😆

I guess you didn’t want to admit it to your father out of spite, because you didn’t want him to see you as weak and needy. Maybe another reason is that he didn’t approve of “weak” boys (maybe he sent you the message that “boys don’t cry”?)…….

The thing was that he was mostly indirectly comparing. Like He’s stronger/intelligent than you. (That’s how lot of village parents are) kind of competitive with kids… They be like my kid did this, My kid did that.. etc.. it’s just how it goes here even in small town areas… All just want to protect their own ego by using kids. It’s sad but yeah…

So I already knew no matter what I do someone would do something better and there’s just no end of that. So I decided like I’m out of the competition I don’t care what my father says anymore.
I don’t need his approval. But when I stopped looking for his approval after few years when I started things by myself and doing well without his help he’s more supportive with me. Even though in my tough times my parents were supportive with me when I wasn’t be able to find a job. But the thing is they’re still comparing they see me better because some other kids in village in bad line of work and now he’s like we’re happy, You took your time but at least you’re not doing anything wrong. But there’s also a thing about it. I definitely learned honesty from my parents. (Me and my parents talked about that on call for more than hour)
So yeah… Things are complex to explain

Even to this day, you don’t want her to see you in a bad mood. You put a big smile whenever you talk to her and pretend that all is well, don’t you? And your mother likes it when you wear that signature smile of yours, “the brightest smile”.

In fact, this attitude of yours:

I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that.

…. seems to me like a direct consequence of your mother’s expectation/plea to stay silent and not to complain about your father’s abuse. There was no point in complaining because you didn’t want to upset her. Was that the reason you left home at the age of 16  – so you wouldn’t need to take your father’s abuse silently any more?

Hmm it’s not that my mother likes it when I hide, But there’s a motherly thing you know, Like if I’m sad and I just act like I’m good she just knows.. Even on the phone. So also sometimes she pretends that she doesn’t know that I know because she knows I don’t like her seeing worried. But still tells me it’ll be alright.

Now about my father.. I don’t think she wanted stop complaining and blah blah blah.. One thing I learned from my mother is always try to look the side where you’re able to do positive action without conflict. (Because of the Family) And as I said before here people just respect their father more so the wife their husbands, And she just didn’t wanted to make things worse between us. There was a time when I was talking rarely to my father (On the phone – Because It’s been years I’m living by myself) So she would just call me a tell me to talk to my father. Because my father had his own ego he’d be telling my mom that he misses me but he wouldn’t directly call me.
So my mom to me is like “one of you have be the understanding one, Now you decide”
She’s just trying our family to hold together,
And I have to respect the woman who put all things aside in her life just for a family.

It’s a false way to protect your heart, which results in you being insincere and cynical. A better way would be to say something like “What you just said hurt me. Please don’t use that tone with me in the future.” So you express your vulnerability, but also your willingness to protect yourself and to set boundaries so people can’t hurt you so easily. Perhaps it can be called the way of a gentle warrior… 

Hmm.. Not an easy thing to do.. But I can try and I can start by setting the boundaries which I never did before. So I’ll have to look into boundaries topic and be a Gentle warrior 😀
You can tell me more about it if you want