@Arient Break-up Diary

I feel you Arient, I just slowly broke things off with this guy that I have met when I studied abroad today, a couple of hours ago. I met him last december, kept in touch all the time. then, I felt like I was losing him again.
I saw him not so long ago when I came back to Europe for a 4 week holidays, 2 months ago. Everything felt wonderful, as if I knew he was the one for me and completely understood me. Understood that ugly and that beauty inside me.

I spent 3 weeks with him, met his friends and his family. We laughed, and had soo many deep conversations. Went on bike rides and boat rides, sat and relaxed in the room, listen to music. I have never felt that way before with anyone, in a very very intimate way. He valued my talent in art and my creativity, would boast it to his friends. and always say that I was beautiful.

and Would make me coffee and breakfast in the morning..

It was very hard to say goodbye again, twice, since I had to go back home and finish my undergrad. We both decided to be in a open relationship. But we had to promise once we run into another “lover” we would tell each other. and knew we would see each other again, and he would try to come to CA.

Now I’m back in California. And Things have became rough on me.. sometimes he would message me, but we hardly ever talk. Once a week on th phone.. Like as if Im losing all the connection with him…and I panic, and become so insecure. I called him today, after surfing. I mean.. come on..I go surfing and I felt miserable.

The things is, we use to talk a lot.. and every week. it was less. Less talking, less messaging, less responds. I told him that it hurts me when he messages me, but does not reply. He said he does, but I shouldn’t freak out over something thats text messaging.
He tells me that I am so far, that things are not the same how it is in person.

It breaks my heart. I love him so much, but he thinks of us as “good friends” at the moment. But I don’t. I know we had something more.

He just doesn’t know how it is… I have fallen in love before, I was engaged. But It was a very hard,it was an aggressive relationship. Then I met this guy, who I thought who was going to be it for me.

I do everything to make my life worthwhile, I am in school, about to get my BA this year, I am in two organizations at my university, I am currently a president at one of the organizations, I volunteer a lot, I have a part time job so I can go back and visit Europe. Im an artist, I paint and do murals for this organization. I will be going back to school in two weeks.
I have higher goals. and I wanted to stay there and work there. But I had education as my number one priority. and to be successful and have a career.

But I do everything right… I do everything right for myself. but I want love. and someone to love me, I want a man to protect me, to laugh with me, to be intimate with me. I never ask for anything else. Why is that so hard?

Sometimes, I feel like Im so sensitive in the inside, like a child because… all I want is love love love, and when I love.. It hurts.

Now, I want to lose this passion that I have. that means if I lose it, I’ll lose that side of me. that fire, which goes with my love for art.

Should I feel nothing.. and be like the rest of the population? Now, I just want to give up on love. And maybe, just find someone for the convenience.

Sometimes I think I feel so weak because all I want is fire. But the truth is, If I don’t love, then I don’t have passion for what I do and for what I am living for.

I know everyone says, I am young why worry about it. the truth is, I have a lot to worry. and I am trying to focus. but I am losing motivation when I cannot love.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by lil.lily. Reason: needed to add and change things