Thank you, Anita, for your sound analysis. Yes, my initial image of her did evolve into a “complex and true image of her.”

Perhaps it wasn’t so much her but my work in therapy that allowed me to feel so open and comfortable around her? She was safe and so welcoming…but only to a point. She would often text and call, and when I was with her, I did not feel like I was not wanted there. Yet, there was a distance between us. Her own “walls” she kept up in this brief relationship. There is much I did not know about her, and much that I was not permitted to know about her.

I feel that my double-heaping of sadness comes from how nice she was, and how comfortable I felt with. I spoke often her, and to her, about the “connection” I felt to her, but she may/did not feel the same connection. Perhaps the 5-hour first “date” with the kiss as we say goodbye spoke more to her loneliness than anything she felt towards me?

I said all that I needed to say in my lengthy email to her last night. I will leave it to her to respond if she chooses to. I don’t know if we’ll continue to hang out socially. It may take time (at least for me) if it happens at all. Fortunately, we will not likely return to the office until the summer or fall, so any in-person interaction won’t happen until then. (Unless I hopefully escape this job and find another.) Regardless, I’ll continue to treat her with respect and professionalism since we remain colleagues. Not that wouldn’t even if we were not.

Ryan

Morning Anita,

Yes, I too feel quite sad and disappointed about things. I felt like there was possibly something there for her too, but perhaps there was not, or there was and our disparity in our ages or some other factor(s) caused her to silence any budding feelings she may have had. While she let me in to some pieces of her life, I never felt like she really wanted to let me in to see the “real” her (or her whole self). I know her father is a recovered/ing alcoholic and her mother battled–from what she said–some intense mental health issues years ago. I’ve tried to look at things as you’ve and my friends have mentioned: her battle with anorexia, the drinking, smoking/vaping. I likely dodged what could have been a painful bullet down the road for the chance of companionship or some semblance of a relationship. She too attends regular counseling, so who knows what she battles as well.

She has messaged me at work a few times but it’s always benign. Question about a task, what she’s made for lunch, student load forgiveness by the Biden administration. She hasn’t acknowledged my email and I do not feel she will, which is fine. I needed to get all of that all. While she is in many ways an “old soul,” she is still young and not yet emotionally mature enough to talk about it. Or she simply solidified the idea of a platonic friendship in her mind after we returned from the cabin and her heart and mind is set and she has reverted back to a casual friendship: Fun and carefree without the need to dig too deep and talk about anything serious or work connect beyond the cursory.

Ryan

Dear Anita,

No, no. My statement about possibly “dodging a painful bullet” had nothing to do with her or her character. What is that Hemingway quote? “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” She journals and has attended therapy for some time. From the impression and the discussions we’ve had, she wants to live a long, happy, and fulfilling life, free from burden as much as is possible. Which makes the possible/probable excessive alcohol consumption a peculiar trait. It certainly seems like a crutch or something that she believes helps her through her days.

I suppose what I meant by the “real” her was that, while she was forthcoming about her eating disorder, divorce, etc. from our first “date,” I never felt like I got to know her beyond what she wanted to share with me. She mentioned that she was dealing with something a few weeks ago late at night, and was going to call me, “but didn’t want me to see her like that.” She was a “crying, sloppy mess.” It turns that one of her ex’s–someone she tried to help with his drug addiction often but finally had to cut loose as a friend last year–had been arrested and will likely spend the rest of his life incarcerated. The had what became a contentious relationship as he slipped further into his meth addiction, and they finally ended things. (I believe this was an ex-boyfriend before she was married.) Anyway, she was handling his arrest, but she kept getting messages and calls from friends and it wore her down. So, she ended up calling an old friend and he came by to talk to her for a while.

I wasn’t really bothered by her not contacting me, as it would have been a 1AM phone call, but it did bother me a bit that she did not want me to see this side of her. It’s likely our friendship/relationship was too new, and she was not ready to let down that wall. It was just another example of her only allowing me to see what she wanted me to. While we had chemistry and a good cursory relationship, I never truly felt as though there might be something there for her too until the cabin trip 2-weeks ago. But maybe all it was for her was the fact that I am a nice man who treats her well, and someone she feels safe with and enjoys her time with. There was a physical attraction too, but she did not feel anything deeper for me, and the weekend away permitted her to dip her toes in the water further offshore, but when we returned and reality set in, she released that we needed to stay on the shore.

Tried to avoid the use of a metaphor but I struggled with explaining this clearly, Anita.

Ryan

Dear Anita,

I do not feel that she is overtly careless in her drinking. I have spoken to her when she has had a cocktail while at work, but we work from home in an administrative capacity, so I doubt she is alone in her day drinking at work. She does typically stay to drink at her second job at the brewery after it closes. She lives about 10-minutes away from it, so I did have her text me a few times when she would arrive home, so I knew that she was home safe. Certainly drinking and driving puts her at risk for a DUI but I get the impression that she is not overly concerned about it. We live in a rural town of about 30,000 people, so the police are likely more concerned with the meth crisis here in Appalachia.

And you may be right in your analysis, Anita. I am older than her and perhaps she would feel judged or believed I would lose whatever image she felt I had of her. In the times she did open up, I never acted in anyway less than supportive. However, based on our conversation on Tuesday night, perhaps she feared that I would react as men have before to her: With anger or the inability to have a rational conversation. Perhaps men in the past have taken advantage of her when she’s drunk and in that state of mind? I do not know.

Ryan

Dear Anita,

Well, these are all true points. HA! Well, I don’t know. I only suggested it because she said at dinner on Tuesday how relieved she was that I responded calmly and rationally when she responded that she did not see a long-term relationship with me–as this has not been her experience in the past.

Suppose she enjoy/s/ed my company and that’s as far as she wanted to relationship to go. It is a mystery.

Ryan

I agree, Anita. Yes, knowing a bit more would be helpful. We shall see. She still communicates with me, so I assume we will continue to hang out. Perhaps more info will seep out in time. However, in time, I don’t feel that I will care as much as the rawness will fade.

Ryan

Morning Anita,

Yesterday, I invited her over for dinner this Thursday, to which she readily accepted. I am hopeful that we can really communicate after dinner. While I accept that she does not see a romantic relationship with me, I am curious if she sees anything beyond just a casual friendship. I still believe that she saw something there, but perhaps the age difference between us was something she was not comfortable explaining to her parents. I don’t know. I maintain that there was something there between us, but perhaps the reluctance on her part was because of our age difference or that I would see something in her that she wished I hadn’t.

Part of me doesn’t feel like having a discussion with her is worth the trouble. She has done her best to withdraw and decrease/limit her contact with me outside of work since we returned from the cabin, and more so since our talk last week. When we do talk/text, it’s never strained or awkward–always fun and easy as has been the norm.

I’d like to think that I’m a better caliber of man than she is accustomed to around here, but there is a heavy reluctance on her part to only share what she is comfortable with. I’d like to know if she saw and read my email to her last week. I’d like to get to know here on a deeper level, and have a real and genuine friendship, but I don’t know if she truly wants that. There’s an obvious physical attraction—but I’ve never pushed for sex, and she made it clear that she becomes attached when she has sex (good old oxytocin!)—and I’m not about to push for it now that she has moved on.

I’m torn in wanting to know her more and giving up and trying to just exist as coworkers. Obviously this is one of the perils of the heart when having any sort of relationship outside of work with a coworker. The danger of feelings getting involved as she warned about before our second “date” back in early December. I’m uncertain as to how she’ll react if I push for more and am fearful that this will be the last supper for us (pardon the pun).

I think what is frustrating is that I see in her what I used to do in relationships:  Fearful of judgement or disappointment, I was unwilling to let my partner in by maintaining or fortifying the walls, so that they never really knew the “real me.” I can see that reflect in her so clearly now. She enjoys her time with me, cares for me, and is attracted to me; however, due to her perceived flaws or fears, she keeps me at a distance, so she protects herself and controls the relationship. This, based on my experience, makes the other person anxious and walking the tightrope to either a deeper relationship or falling and being hurt.

I dislike this feeling of longing and a piece of me regrets forming a relationship with her. While I realize danger the of longing for a romantic relationship before knowing who the other person is, I know there was something there. I hate to toss that away when there is an opportunity for a genuine relationship that can enhance our lives.

Ryan