Hi Heartbrokengurl,

I just now read through this thread and see that Anita and Eliana are giving you such thoughtful and excellent advice, as they always do. I understand that today is Day 3 of your of not hearing from him and that you are feeling frustrated and disappointed and had a panic attack last night. In my opinion, Anita really hit in the nail on the head when she wrote, “This is an opportunity for you to endure that anxiety, of not knowing where you are with him, because if it comes to it that he tells you what you want to hear, you will still need to deal with the anxiety of losing that place.” I personally do not think it’s a good idea for you to contact him, as difficult as that may be for you. Continue resisting the need to reach out to him to ask him what he meant, as you already said that you know this is the right thing to do. He knows where you stand, and he told you that he’s not ready. As confusing as your meeting with him last Sunday must be for you, he didn’t say the two  important words I think you’re hoping for: “I’m ready.” I think the sooner you accept this and sit with those difficult feelings, the better for you emotionally. I’m sorry if this is not the advice you’re looking for. If I were in your situation, I think I would revisit the idea you had earlier about telling him that seeing him is too hard for you right now. I understand that not seeing him will also be very hard for you, but I believe there are three potential upsides to it: 1) You will become stronger emotionally and this will feel very good 2) He will respect you for doing what you need to do 3) He may miss you and realize “he’s ready”.

He obviously has strong feelings for you, but this isn’t enough. You deserve more. Seriously, you have a lot to offer this guy! Give him some time away from you to figure it out.

Heartbrokengurl,

You are so right. It’s hard to walk away from someone you love. You’re taking that important first step, though: accepting that he isn’t ready to give you what you want. If you’re like me, one moment you may tell yourself “I can do this!”, and then the next you may say “Oh, but I miss him, I want to see him, hang out with him right now, I love him!” Let the thoughts pass — they always do. Be gentle with yourself. Take a warm bath or get outside for brisk walk. Contact a friend to grab a cup of coffee with. Reach out to someone you care about but haven’t seen in a while. Watch a good movie. Write down personal goals you have outside of this relationship or things that inspire you. Surround yourself with people who support you. If you are someone who likes to work out, hit they gym! Take one day (or really one moment) at a time. See what happens.

I went through something similar.  At the 3 month mark my ex told me he was dissatisfied with his life, and wasn’t sure he was really meant to be in a relationship.  He struggles with a plethora of issues, but one of them is his history of being hurt by women.  I was not as patient as you and pushed him to continue the relationship, and we did.

It was a disaster.  I wish so, so badly that I had had the foresight so say “I understand, I am disappointed but I wish you the best,” and let him go.  Instead we endured months of confusion and hurt and I regret it so much.

I advise you to let him go. If he decides he’s ready he will come back. I know it’s easy for me to say this but I have been in your shoes, and pushing him into something he has said he’s not ready for will hurt both of you in the end.

Heartbroken,

I understand the need for a connection. I am the same way.  Despite the massive troubles we had my ex and I did share an unbelievable connection – at our best we would talk every single day for hours about everything and it was wonderful. I miss that connection with another human being terribly.

But at our worst I was consumed with anxiety, depression, and fear.

I struggle immensely with putting him out of my mind, but I know with time my thoughts of him will let up. We will get past this.