Dear Anita,

“. If you shared this fear with your boyfriend, that you are afraid that she will murder you, then how could he insist that you tell her that you are dating him again?” – he believes that if I stand up to her I will see that she isn’t a threat and it will ease the anxiety, in addition to this I think its his ego or just the need that one day they may accept him. I’m not really sure to be honest because he doesn’t seem to understand why I didn’t want to tell them. He just wants to see that I’ll “fight for him” or just see’s it as proof that I love him (only some ideas).

The last few days with him haven’t been great because I havent heard anything from my mum as shes giving me the silent treatment which naturally has put me on edge and every convo I’ve had with my bf has just ended with me having an issue with something. It seems that it is rather easy for both of us to slip into old habits but part of me is resiting because its suppose to be new, but now I feel like I have all the hang ups I had when I started seeing him, one main one is that my mum disapproves so now I feel like I am in the wrong for giving things another go.

On a positive note I have come to a theory that my trust was broken when I was high and vulnerable, which is why I have had such deep trust issues. Again, its just a theory but its a step forward towards trusting people again. Like I may have mentioned my brain seems to have deemed the trustworthy people as untrustworthy and vice versa.

I also watched footage from a few years ago where my bf didn’t want to go shopping with me on my birthday and I brought that up tonight which obviously resulted in him being confused about why i was accusing him of something he did years ago.

I’m not having a good week to be honest, my period is heavy and seems to have shifted me into such a negative mindset that is picking at the smallest things.

Thank you for replying (:

– V

Dear Anita,

that’s okay (: I awoke this morning feeling rather down but managed to get a shower, so I think the emotional rollercoaster has nearly come to an end. However, one key thing that’s been on my mind is that one reason I was hesitant to try again with my bf is because he, along with my mum are part of a chapter in my life where I wasn’t the best version of myself, lacking in confidence and more susceptible to put up with emotional abuse. But it was my bf who has helped me become a better version.

However, I broke up with him because I felt all this stress around our relationship because of the tension that was still there which was coming from my mum disliking him. The logical thing to do would be cut ties with my family and for my bf to be my family as it were. I tried this a little bit but then I felt overwhelmed and like I only had one person I could count on in the whole world and my mind spiralled into worrying that I wouldn’t cope without them etc So my action of dumping him was part of a cross-fire of me just wanting a new start.

Now I feel like due to this ultimatum I have rushed back into things and even though I do not mind this on one hand, the rushing is bringing a lot of stress back into the back of my mind.

Part of me feels like I would be better off with none of them in my life, but that is unfair on someone who loves me deeply and also it would be denying myself happiness.

I have a concert this weekend which is my first opportunity to do something out of my comfort zone and should remind myself I can do stuff without relying on others. This is something that is important for me to learn as I have never had a lot of friends and therefore I dont want to feel reliant on others, also my younger self was brave and would do what she wanted, I’m trying to get back to that person rather than being sad, anxious and wanting to hide from the world.

– V

Dear Kkasxo,

Thank you for explaining your side of things and why me standing up to my parents about my bf is important to him. I sort of understood his side I just thought well I have stood up for him the last x amount of years, why does he need me to do it again. However, that was ignorance on my part really.

I will join the other forum again and see if you have put an update about your second appointment. I hope it went well! I have been reading the forum now and again, although this week I have been physically and mentally in a bad place so I though I would come back when I have the ability to absorb information properly and reply with heartfelt responses.

I am happy to hear that your ex would like to reconcile though (: Hopefully things will get better. One thing I am ensuring is that I am very careful about how much time I am spending with my ex because I don’t want the same issues to just rush back and I would like to feel like something has changed. In our case it is mainly communication.

“In a sense I am waiting for him to do this again maybe? So perhaps being upfront and honest with everyone about his intention to reconcile with me gives me hope that he won’t?” –  I believe that your counselling will help with this and possibly pin point what made the relationship breakdown. Would he consider couples counselling? Or is it too early days for that? I have told my partner that I would like at least one or two sessions with some kind of relationship expert when things are good again to help us discuss our relationship with an outsiders perspective, I just need reassurance for some reason. My partner has also stated to me that I need faith, or we both do, that we will work out okay.

Talk to you in the other forum in a bit, thank you for writing on here (:

– V

Dear Anita,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with your own mother, that sounds terrible and I am happy that you survived such abuse against you! In response to me raising my anxiety with my own mother she has turned around and jokingly gone “what do you think I am going to murder you?!”, yes I am aware she is unaware that my mind is dark enough to silently answer yes in the darkness of the night at three in the morning.

I have recently reunited with my ex and told my mum, whose response has resulted in the silent treatment and accusations. I have come to realise that she is not a threat in terms of physically harming me anymore as she does not know where I live and I do not believe she will do that because she has the power of emotional abuse.

The sad part is she isn’t even aware of it. But I have realised that she may be a narcissist, not that you should diagnose others but her actions fit the traits. However this has then lead me to question if I too am a narcissist.

Things have unfortunately fallen apart again, I have spent the last few days anxious because I feel like I have lost my family and my boyfriend all in one. My boyfriend says that he understands and sees my frets and worries about our relationship being linked to anxiety. However, I have started to wonder if it is OCD as it seems to be an onset of a reoccurring thought that sends me into fight-or-flight. But I am not a psychologist and I am also aware that a lot of symptoms overlap.

I have found that I am conflicted. Part of me wants to walk away from the relationship because it has so much baggage around it which is difficult to just shrug off but I can’t bear the thought of him not being in my life, its almost as if I am saying I want to leave you yet I then get a wave of feeling abandoned,even though I made the decision?

Every-time I seem to explain how I am feeling or what I want, it doesn’t come out right and I am just left wondering how we even got to this point. How can I just give up on someone and something that has given me so much joy before. I wish I could say to him let me just have therapy then we will be okay, but I don’t have a crystal ball. Also deep down I know that I need some space to grow, to know that I am okay as an individual, I was okay before this relationship but now I am full of so much fear.

Is there a solid way I can explain that I don’t want to be friendzoned, but I don’t want a romantic relationship right now? Without feeling like a horrible person or mainly believing that when he tells me he understands that I believe him.

– V

Dear Anita,

I cannot express how your last response echoed my exact thoughts. I have ended things again, and for good because I am not messing him around anymore. I have already inflicted pain I never wanted to inflict on him.

I am taking steps to heal e.g. making sure I set aside “down time” alongside being productive. All worrying given me is medical and mental health issues, so I am making sure I find a routine and lifestyle that aids the best version of myself.

My mother is still giving me the silent treatment due to me getting back together with my ex. At this point I am done playing these mind games and even though in the back of my mind I am a bit worried, I am aware she has a phone and has decided not to get in touch. So for now I am enjoying not being criticised or having to defend my life choices.

In terms of my ex, I love him and always will do, but as hard as it is for me I need to put myself first and become stronger, defeat the overthinking and paranoia, which is most likely caused by stress. I have asked him if we can be friends, I did not see the point in saying anything massively heartfelt because he’s practical and will just be like “if you love me why are you leaving me!?” , so I have just chosen the option which gives him time to heal but also so I don’t completely loose him.

Today I have busied myself but I have also been worrying about him, is he okay? have I caused him to spiral out of control?! how could I hurt someone so much?

The worst part is I broke things off via text, because I felt like every-time I tried to do it over the phone the words wouldn’t come out right. As for myself, I am feeling rather lost, although I got what I ultimately wanted which was complete control over my life. It seems as though that it rather lonely.

I am sure I will survive, I have been through worse, I just feel like I have ruined someones life. Is that too dramatic?

How are you doing? Have you got any plans for this weekend?

– V