Dear Anita,

I’m very happy to hear that you’re slowly starting to connect the dots and feeling like you’re more present in your own story. Understanding it more and feeling more capable to exit it as well:

It makes me feel.. not just like you were there (as I repeatedly told you), but that I was there. And being there, I can get through being there, and exit that place where I’ve been stuck for decades (childhood trauma). I trapped in amnesia, in.. not really being there/ too little remembering and understanding, too many blank areas to the picture.

This was beautiful, Anita ❤️ I’m happy that what perhaps used to feel like a maze in which you were stuck is now starting to make sense and you’re beginning to see the exit.❤️❤️

What you’ve concluded here makes so much sense:

There’s a connection (a line) between her experience with a father who severely neglected his 9-year-old in favor of women and sex AND her heightened focus on and preoccupation with the sexual practices of people she knew, her use of sexually vulgar words.. a sort of a jealousy in regard to the women who stole her father from her via sex. Her heightened, negative focus and preoccupation with sexual things.

And her admiration of women in movies on TV, women who used sex so to be with rich men.

Yeah, your mother probably saw sex as a tool to manipulate and dominate men. Because the way she saw it, her own father fell prey to that type of women – who use their sex appeal to allure and manipulate men (and take them away from their families).

So if you’re a sexy, unscrupulous woman (like Alexis Carrington from Dynasty), you’re in a position of power. And you’ll never let a man hurt your feelings – you’ll rather hurt their feelings.

She probably saw men as weak, morally corrupt, untrustworthy, easily manipulated by sex… and so she wanted to revenge to men, by idolizing sexy, evil women, who don’t get hurt by men, but are the ones who do the hurting. By idolizing these movie characters, she probably wanted to vicariously revenge to her father, who betrayed her and abandoned her when she was 9.

I now understand the intensity of her focus on my father’s (real or imagined) sexual occupation with other women (not that any woman wouldn’t be bothered by her husband cheating). I understand her obsessiveness about it, the intensity of her emotion (the yelling, threatening suicide.. hitting him- I think, not sure), etc., it was like once again, other women stole a man from her via sex: hurt, anger, envy.

Yes, inasmuch she dreamed of being a femme fatale, she was also jealous of other women and their sexual attributes, because every woman (specially a good-looking one) was a threat to her. So she needed to put down their bodies, criticize them, talk about people’s sex lives… because all that was a threat to her. Other people’s sexuality was a threat to her.

Beside hurt, anger and envy, my impression is that she also wanted revenge. Perhaps that’s why she was idolizing evil characters (in real life and film characters) – because they’re the kind of people who don’t fear their enemies and can exact revenge.

Anyway, that was a very good observation, Anita: that her obsession with sexuality might very well be caused by her childhood trauma. It seems to me that she believed that sexuality is both a tool (to dominate others) and a threat. And thus the constant obsession and hyper-focus on all things sexual…

I’m very happy this conversation is helping you, and looking forward to your next post ❤️

❤️ 🫶 ❤️