Dear Anita,

(Copilot): “Revenge is the act of inflicting harm or punishment on someone in response to a perceived wrong, often driven by a desire for retribution or to ‘get even.’”.

It occurred to me that the way she was bathing you (scrubbing your head to the point of pain, as well as inappropriately touching you) might also have been a form of revenge and punishment for perceived (or real) humiliation that she’d experienced as a child.

It could be that she felt humiliated – not necessarily by her father abandoning her, but perhaps by what happened in the orphanage (has she shared anything about that?), or by severe beatings at the hand of her oldest sister. She might have felt not only helpless but also humiliated by that, but you said she’d never expressed anger towards her sister.

However, the intense sense of shame and humiliation (and anger) hasn’t just disappeared. And so she was expressing it to you, with whom she felt safe to express anger and to shame you as much as she pleases. So I’m thinking that this entire ritual of bathing you beyond appropriate age might have been a way to revenge for the humiliation she’d experienced as a child.

It also had sexual connotations, and so I’m wondering whether she was sexually abused (e.g. inappropriately touched) in the orphanage? Has she ever shared anything about that period of her life?

Alternatively, sexual connotations might also have to do with her obsession with sexuality, which we’ve talked about, and sort of punishing you (as a representative of all women) for “stealing” her father away. Of course, this is pure speculation, I’m just throwing some ideas around, in case it resonates…

This is why she stripped me of agency and a sense of self-worth. No agency/ No self-worth= No leaving her.

Possibly. Though she seemed not to have been too upset when you were leaving to the U.S. I actually wanted to ask you about how she reacted to your leaving. You said she was touching your hand softly before your departure, so I assumed she expressed support. But was she okay with you leaving? May I ask how she reacted later, when the marriage was annulled and you returned home for a brief period?

She didn’t strip my sister of agency the ways she did to me (dressing her etc., until an older, inappropriate age) because my sister is 6 years younger than me and by the time she was born, the mother had to work and so, she placed her in a child-care facility with other children and later in a kindergarten where her agency was not stripped. On the other hand, I never attended a kindergarten, I was with the mother all the time for 5+ years.

Oh I see. So your sister got to socialize with other children from an early age (and your mother spent less time with her during the first years of her life). Unlike with you, when she was a stay-at-home mom, and you spent your entire time with her, up to your elementary school. It seems your mother didn’t even try to establish total control over your sister like she did with you.

You said she claimed your sister was more independent, so perhaps that played a role too. But she didn’t even try, or didn’t have the opportunity to instill complete control (including physical/bodily control) over your sister. However, she clearly managed to establish emotional control over her, since your sister believed she was a whore:

An example of her violating my sister’s rights: she called her a “wh***” so many, many times. A guy who knew her (in her early 30s) told me that she told him, as in a trance, “I am a wh***! I am a wh***! I am a wh***” (again and again, as in a cry for help)

And she also did whatever your mother told her to do:

emotionally, she (said later) felt like a puppet on strings, and in some major ways (doing whatever the mother wanted her to do), her lack of agency was very evident.

So, she was emotionally “enslaved” (i.e. strongly enmeshed) with your mother, even though her body was free from your mother’s intrusions. Eventually, you left home to get some distance from your mother’s abuse. But your sister stayed and I imagine continued receiving abuse?

Copilot: “Sadism is the tendency to derive pleasure from the pain, suffering, or humiliation of others.

Sadistic Personality Disorder (SPD): Proposed in the DSM‑III‑R (1987) but later removed from official diagnostic manuals… Removed because it overlapped heavily with other disorders (e.g., Antisocial Personality Disorder) and raised concerns about excusing criminal behavior.

Lack of remorse, guilt, or empathy…. A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others…

Oh, I didn’t know there used to be a special category called Sadistic Personality Disorder in the DSM, which was later replaced by Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Yeah, sadism and APD do overlap, but they aren’t the same. APD is more typical for criminals, people who disregard rules and social norms. It can also be an obnoxious neighbor who is making noise in the middle of the night, disregarding the fact that it disturbs people who live in the same apartment building.

Whereas sadism doesn’t even need to include criminal behavior, and yet can be very hurtful. I’m thinking now that making pranks on people can also be a form of sadism – enjoying seeing when someone gets hurt physically, or embarrassed/humiliated (i.e. hurt emotionally).

And yes, your mother enjoyed when you (and others whom she’d shamed and humiliated) would get hurt emotionally, or even physically (when she would scrub your head to the point of pain, or when she would slap you on the face multiple times “till her hands hurt”).

What is getting clearer for me here, is the violation of my rights point, it never really sunk in that my sister and I had rights. And that she violated those rights repeatedly never expressing guilt or remorse to either one of us (except that one time, a bit, in regard to force feeding me as a baby).

Yes, that’s a very good observation: her disregard for and violation of your rights. By bathing you inappropriately, she was actually violating your rights (e.g. the right to bodily autonomy, or however it is called). And I believe she would have been held accountable for that – had the authorities known about it.

It occurs to me that she glorified, or at least excused criminals (both in real life and on film). Which means that she didn’t have a huge problem with criminal, antisocial behavior. It wasn’t morally objectionable to her, but she didn’t practice it so not to have problems with the law.

She also was aware that being more physically abusive with you (akin to breaking your bones) would have gotten her in trouble with the authorities. So she restrained herself – not because it was the right thing to do, but because she didn’t want to get caught.

Anyway, she definitely violated your rights, and for some of those violations, she would have been prosecuted, I believe. …

Okay, I’ve just refreshed the forums and saw your latest post. My goodness, Anita, that’s pretty serious stuff. It could have been that she would have been charged on more accounts than I thought 😕 😢

I’ll stop here for now and will continue tomorrow. I’m very sorry that all this happened to you. But also glad that, as you say, talking about it now and understanding it is bringing you liberation and healing. ❤️ 🙏

And no, it’s not too much for me. It is tough, it’s painful even to listen to (and I can imagine how painful it is to you), but I’m glad that you can look at some of those dark places and bring light and healing to them. I just hope it’s not too much for you?

❤️ 🙏 🫶 ❤️