SA Trigger Warning

Dear Tee:

When I read this part of your recent post first thing at the computer: “that’s pretty extraordinary that you’d never noticed!” (that she was bald), I remembered something I didn’t think about for years. I remembered that as a child or a young adolescent, I woke up very scared one morning, and I told her that I had a scary dream that she was had no hair, that she was close to me and bald. She calmed me, saying something like: it was only a dream.

In my mid-twenties (no.. I was in my late 20s), when I was told that she was bald, I noticed that it was quite obvious that she was wearing a wig, particularly when it was not a new one, or one that was maintained well (which it wasn’t at that particular time). It was really obvious, but it never occurred to me before I was told. The revelation terribly shook me for a long, long time. It made me sink deeper in empathy for her, as well as in guilt.

Empathy for her (feeling so very sorry for her) and Guilt went hand in hand.. well, almost my whole life. The guilt was heavier, more painful than the empathy. Early on, I figured it was my job to make her happy, that her misery is my responsibility to fix. Feeling that I failed my # 1 responsibility was very painful. When I found out that she was bald, it meant that I had so much more to fix, so much more to compensate her for.

Currently, empathy without the guilt feels so much lighter.

Coming to think about it, I avoided empathy for people, avoided feeling empathy for people in general because empathy for her felt so painful (because it was heavily associated with guilt). When I saw a person in emotional pain, I immediately felt guilty and distressed over the guilt. Of course, that dynamic within me didn’t allow for healthy, lasting friendships and relationships.

I am becoming aware of the above while typing it.

Back to your post, Tee:

“It occurs to me now that your mother doesn’t sound like a typical people pleaser, because people pleasers do things that are often against their best interests and are hurting them, but they’re still doing it, in order to please others. Your mother sounds more like someone who was faking kindness and ‘meekness’ to the outside world, when it suited her – to boost her public image. She wasn’t doing it to please others (and sacrifice her own real needs), but to boost her fake persona.”-

I wonder if it can be both..? She did spend her very hard earned money feeding guests, giving generous gifts to others (weddings & such).. so that’s against her best interest, isn’t it?

Of course, she complained to me after feeding and gifting others, about how hard she worked for money and how selfish others were for receiving gifts, or eating what she offered them, how much more fortunate they were for not having to work as hard as her, and yet they were taking advantage of her (the most unfortunate person in the world, or close to that).

I was very angry whenever her behavior repeated itself, angry at the selfish people eating her foods, but I had to keep quiet and say nothing to her guests while boiling inside with anger. I had to stay quiet because (after I offered to tell them myself that they are not invited to eat her food, that she worked too hard, etc., the things she expressed to me), she threatened to “murder” me (her word). So, I knew she really, really didn’t want me to say anything.

It is only yesterday that I felt a pang of this particular pain when seeing a woman being offered a gift and accepting it. I was quickly aware of where that pain and anger came from, and it dissipated.

..Wait, this sentence just landed: “She wasn’t doing it to please others (and sacrifice her own real needs), but to boost her fake persona.”- Never occurred to me, but true: people pleasing may be driven by a genuine desire to see people pleased/ feeling good (while Inside, at least at times, the people- pleaser feels anxious, resentful, or exhausted, because the pleasing isn’t freely chosen — it’s driven by compulsion).

Did the mother want guests to feel good? I don’t think so, if she did, she wouldn’t bitterly complain about them before or after their visits. Yes, you are right, it was a fake persona.. and a convincing one.

About faking meekness, faking being mild, gentle, humble, submissive-.. lots of faking before each time she exploded with arrogance, harshness, cruelty and dominance.

“Yes, I think she was jealous of your hair! She might have been punishing you for having hair…

“Yeah, that’s pretty extraordinary that you’d never noticed! I guess she was hiding it well.. perhaps she didn’t let you see her early in the morning (provided that she took the wig off while sleeping)?”-

I think that I did see her that one time I dreamed about.. or more accurately, a real memory that occurred to me in a dream.. Or, it just occurred to me for the first time: it might not having been a dream at all. She might have told me something like: It didn’t happen, it was only a bad dream. Now, this very moment, I remember her saying “bad dream”.

“Yes, but I thought she might ‘miss’ you as someone to harass, even an ‘object’ to harass, if you will. Because such people need someone to abuse and victimize, so to feel better about themselves.”- I suppose she did miss me that way but satisfied that longing by focusing on my sister.

“But I guess she quickly turned to your sister, as you said, started buggering her to get married and give her a grandchild. And so she did, although you said the guy she married wasn’t a good fit..”- he was a UN soldier.. coming to think about it, he himself was a sexual abuse victim.. his uncle. He proceeded to beat my sister and was a very neglectful father.. not a good fit. But the mother wanted to live either in Europe or the U.S., and that’s why she wanted him as a husband for my sister (plus his European looks.. and maybe something else that she sensed about him.

“What occurs to me now, and it might be painful to read, is that it seems your mother hasn’t sexually harassed your sister.. your sister “only” received emotional (and perhaps physical?) abuse. But she didn’t have access to her body.. I realize this may be very painful to read, that you might have received more of the abuse, or more destructive type of abuse. I’m very sorry about that, Anita 😢”-

Thank you for the empathy, Tee. And no, it’s not painful to read. Yes, I did receive more destructive type of abuse.. the proof is in the pudding, so to speak, my sister, for a long time, had freedom and a social life I could only dream of.. and no tics. (she had migraines though, from an early age, still does)

“Right, it seems it was her who contaminated affection with sexuality, and so now when you say affection, immediately a sexual meaning pops up in your head.”- said perfectly: contaminated affection with sexuality

“(BTW, thank you, I do feel strongly about childhood sexual abuse not being a small thing. So yes, I’m passionate about defending the victims and not minimizing the abuse. ❤️)”- Thank you, Tee 🙏 ❤️

“I was wondering if she felt ‘affection’ for you when she was controlling you completely, including your body, e.g. when she was putting on your pajamas after bathing and you lying on the bed like a doll. You said that’s when she had a satisfied smile on her face (at least in front of the neighbor, Rosie, who challenged her that one time).

“So I’m wondering if she felt ‘affection’, i.e. she felt pleased with you, when she could control you completely (including your body), i.e. treat you like an object with which she can do whatever she pleases?”- she signaled approval, that’s for sure, a rare commodity for me: her approval.. another rare commodity: a genuine smile on her face. She experienced pleasure in seeing me accommodating her need to have power-over, and I wanted her pleased.

Was it affection.. No, just approval with a smile. A smile of pleasure, not one of affection.

“That control included touching you inappropriately while washing you (pre-puberty), and demanding access to your naked body (post-puberty). As I’m writing this, I’m hoping that phrasing it like this isn’t too sensitive for you? Please let me know of it is, will you?”- I will, thank you for your sensitivity, Tee.. but no, I have no problem with your phrasing. Actually, it’s helpful.

“I think Copilot explained it very well why it constitutes sexual abuse:… Yeah, she put you in a sexualized and vulnerable position (demanding that you let her into the bathroom to wash your hair and back, while in a vulnerable, exposed position), and your body was touched/manipulated against your will (by manipulation I mean when you had to lie down on the bed, while she was dressing you).

“And I’m thinking now that those washing/dressing rituals might not have been so much about her extracting sexual pleasure from it, but more about establishing complete dominion and control over you.”- Yes. True..

“As Alessa said: sexual abuse is the ultimate way to strip someone of their autonomy. Yes, because it’s violating the autonomy of our body, which no one else should lay claim to, but ourselves.

“But regardless whether she extracted sexual pleasure from it or not (you said she did from parading naked in front of you), it still constitutes sexual abuse. And as Copilot says, I think it’s very important that you’re now naming it and understanding it.

“Because until now, it was all a bit of a haze. Now it’s becoming more clear, and inasmuch as it is painful, it is also liberating, I hope, and is contributing to your healing. ❤️”- Yes, our conversations. Your attention to details, your superior analytical skill, and your passion for telling the truth it like it is.. (to not be silent or silenced).. All these are making my accelerated healing possible.

I am experiencing a significant decline in shame.. and a felt increase in self-worth these very days. 🙏 ❤️

“So yes, let’s keep talking about it.. because the clearer it becomes, the more equipped you will be to heal and put an end on your mother’s toxic legacy 🙏 ❤️ 🙏”- Toxic Legacy.. the correct words. I am looking forward to continuing to talk about it, Tee!

Forever Grateful, 🙏 ❤️ 🤍 Anita

Dear Tee:

I thought that out of nowhere, I had a dream where I saw my mother bald. I didn’t know that it wasn’t a dream, that it was actually a memory of seeing her bald.

I thought it was only a dream, a weird dream.. because she told me it was a bad dream, and nothing more.

I believed her because there was nothing I needed more than to believe her.

So, I closed my eyes and believed it was only a dream. I did, for 20 years- before someone told me she was bald.

And then, it took 30 more years to realize (because you brought it up TODAY, Tee), that it was not a dream at all.

I SAW her bald, and then she said: You didn’t. It was only a dream!

And my eyes closed.. half a century+ by now.. until today. I thought it was only a dream.. I didn’t connect the OBVIOUS.

She (the “mother”) made a fool out of me in so many.. many.. many ways, and it was so very easy for her to do so.. Telling me it was a dream. And I believed her: 1967-2025 of believing it was a dream… How many years is that.. 58 years of believing I dreamed she was bald.. When she really was bald the whole time.

58 years of believing I dreamed what I actually saw in-real-life.

So.. What else happened that she told me didn’t happen?

I feel like such a fool…

I am thrilled that you posted, Tee. I was worried that you were in pain and discouraged. I was going to inquire and saw that you submitted a post for me.

I didn’t yet read most of it, but I will.

Thank you so much for posting even though you are not very focused.

I hope that you are not in pain 🤞

🙏 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita