Hi Alessa,

first, let me say that I know you mean well and didn’t mean anything bad. And my intention wasn’t to defend Anita, but to simply give my perspective on the notion of a “good mother”.

You said that in her own mind, she was a good mother because she provided for her children’s material needs (and she didn’t abandon them – unlike her own father did to her).

The problem is that every narcissistic mother is a good mother in her own mind – she believes she is a perfect mother and can do no wrong.

If we evaluate her based on her own standards, she would be a good mother: didn’t abandon her children, put food on the table, sent them to school, bought them clothes, bought them toys, provided for their material needs.

But if we evaluate her based on how she actually parented, she cannot be called a good mother by any means. She in fact was an abusive mother, even though she provided for her children’s material needs.

So I just wanted to say that her subjective evaluation of herself as a good mother doesn’t really mean anything. Because in her twisted mind, she was the best mother. She didn’t think she should change anything about her parenting. And yet she committed pretty severe abuse.

And that’s what makes narcissistic parents so harmful: they believe they’re great parents, they’re telling you they are the best parent in the world and that they care about you so much, all the while they’re abusing you.

And then when you (their child) dare to say anything, or if you don’t behave the way they want you to behave – you’re called evil, ungrateful, selfish, hurting them etc. You’re made into a villain for simply having normal child’s needs. Or simply for the air you breathe, as it was in Anita’s case.

So this “great mother”, the “best mother” is a lie with which they’re elevating themselves, denying their abuse, gaslighting their children and guilt-tripping them for “hurting” their mother. It’s a ploy to destroy the child, basically.

So when you say (not the exact words, but the point you were making): she believed she was a good mother, and she did everything she thought a good mother should do. And she was a hard-working, busy single mother with no time for herself – it does sound like excusing her.

I’m not saying she wasn’t in a difficult predicament, being a single mother with a history of trauma and abuse. And we can empathize with that.

However, what I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter if she believed she was a good mother. What matters is how she actually behaved towards her children. And that was very abusive. She provided for their physical needs, but was destructive for their mental health. And in Anita’s case, even to her physical well-being (tics).

What’s worse is that she refused to admit there’s anything wrong with her. She never admitted her own trauma. She never admitted she was doing something wrong. And that’s I think the most toxic: being convinced in your own goodness and righteousness, and yet being so harmful to those who depend on you.

You said in your latest post to Anita:

One of the things that you have brought up in the past is that you have difficulty with your trauma because your mother at times tried to express care. But behaved horribly cruelly at other times

Yes, narcissistic mothers can do nice things for us: bake our favorite cake, throw us a birthday party, buy us nice clothes and expensive toys. And yet throughout all that the child feels like not good enough, because of the constant criticism and shaming and complaining on their part. So the “gift” is laced with poison, so to speak.

We might end up feeling undeserving of the gift, because of this constant shaming and self-pitying on their part. The result is severely diminished mental health (C-PTSD), while at the same time having all the material things we can wish for. Not a good deal, if you ask me…

Personally, I’ve found it helpful to see the situation with my Mother for what it was. It is a relief in a strange way, to acknowledge the “good” as well as the bad.

In narcissistic abuse, the “good” is intertwined with the bad, they cannot be separated. Even when we’re receiving the good, we’re also receiving the bad. That’s why it’s hard to appreciate the good: because it was contaminated with the bad. It was poisoned, if you will.

My mother would ride bikes with us to tire us out. And ship us off to people at the church to work on their farm. She would surprise us in the middle of the night occasionally, waking us up to go get pizza. Sometimes during summer we would get ice cream cones.

Maybe your mother was different – maybe she didn’t shame you and criticize you so mercilessly? Maybe during those good times, when you would ride bikes together, she was behaving well with you? Perhaps the memories of the good times (riding bikes, working on a farm, possibly surrounded by healthier adults?) are mostly positive, happy memories, without the contamination of your mother’s toxicity?

But also, a part of the problem with abusive parents is the intermittent reinforcement, where we’re occasionally treated well. And so we long for those “good” times, and downplay/excuse the times were we were abused. And that’s how trauma bond is created…

Anyway, my goal with my previous post wasn’t to accuse anyone, or defend anyone, but to refine our understanding of abusive parents. As I’m writing here, I’m also clarifying things for myself, so please see it in that light.

❤️❤️

Hi Tee

If you have something that you’d like to say could you please write to me individually? ❤️

I’m sorry, it seems like you’re still not really hearing me. It might seem like that from your perspective, but I’ve explained repeatedly that was not what was meant at all. ❤️

Society is broken and wrong. I even disagree with the premise that people who abuse in a more covert way are seen as good parents by society. They are simply not seen as problematic enough to use the resources it would cost to remove their children.

The world is slowly changing in regards to children. What was accepted, is now illegal.