Dear James:

“Ego activity feels heavy, based on compulsive thinking and planning. Lastly, deeply know that not you, but the greatest power in control.”- I will do my best to minimize ego activity and focus on my soul (the non-ego part of me) and try to think/ talk/ act from the soul.

“All you need to do is digesting that you can not control.”- When I can’t control circumstances, I may be able to control or choose my attitude about the circumstances. Currently I want to experience a letting go of attachment to old circumstances that no longer exist and never will.

“Therefore, the relief that you need will hit you inevitably.”- Thank you, James 🙏

“Even with your birth, you didn’t choose your family, county, religion, friends. Your all difficulties now just accumulation of your past, the environment you lived in and circumstances.”- indeed, a whole lot that I didn’t choose and a whole lot that I still can’t choose. But my attitude, my understandings, my words.. These I can choose.

🤍 Anita

Dear Tee:

A few days ago, I did a little research on another thread, and when I did, I thought of sharing part of it and developing it with you, but didn’t until today. I wrote there: “Ancient Perspectives on Fate and Will-… Stoics like Epictetus and Seneca emphasized the freedom of our internal will – our ability to choose our attitude and response to events, even if the events themselves are fated. Amor fati (love of one’s fate) was their path to tranquility.”

Today, Copilot: “Amor fati means ‘love of fate.’ It’s a Latin phrase that expresses the idea of embracing everything that happens in life—both the joys and the hardships—as necessary, meaningful, and even good…. Philosophical attitude: Accepting and even welcoming all events in life, including suffering, loss, and setbacks, as part of the whole picture of existence.

“Mindset shift: Instead of resisting or regretting what happens, one learns to see challenges as opportunities for growth and to live without wishing things were different.

“Example in Daily Life- Imagine losing a job. Instead of despairing, amor fati would mean embracing the event as part of your path—perhaps as the push needed to discover a new career or personal growth…

“Nietzsche’s view: To love fate means to affirm life so completely that even suffering is not just endured but embraced as part of the whole…

“while the exact phrase amor fati is not native to Christian mysticism, the underlying idea of embracing suffering and fate as part of divine providence is deeply present… Even when life feels unbearable, mystics emphasize that God’s will is ultimately oriented toward good, even if it’s hidden. Loving God’s will means trusting that suffering is not the final word.’-

So, this late morning, I will give this a try: I am not despairing over the loss of the winery, the fact that it’s no longer there and never will again. I no longer resist its ending and with it, an ending of my 4 long years of way of life, for me. I think that the thing I loved most about it is who I found myself to be: social, empathetic, helpful, hard-working. very heard-working (SO THHERE, Mother.. anger there). I had so much excellent socialization. honest, felt so good.

It’s the me (myself) that I experienced in a new way- someone even I liked, someone.. I looked up to at times! Ahh! A unique experience!!!

The Winery is lost forever (It still hits me hard, tears in my eyes!!!)

But I am not lost, who I found myself to be- is not lost.

Nor who I found myself to be as a result of my communication with you, Tee!

I didn’t lose, or don’t to lose me as someone I like. I can keep being someone I approve of, as I repeat my daily mantra (adjusted following your input, Tee): “I peel off chronic shame, chronic guilt and self-doubt/ distrust in me, replacing these with love for myself, with being on my side, while the adult part of me keeps me accountable for my words and actions today and every day. Amen”.

Anita

Dear Tee:

I’m back from the taproom, the owner wasn’t there. He’s never there on Saturdays. It’s the first Sat I was there in 4+ years (been at the Winery every Sat for 4+ years). I was quiet and subdued there, this evening, burst out crying only once. Saw a lot of people (a Christmas lighting event, so lots of people stopped by the taproom). It was a good experience overall.

I’ve been told this evening that I need to cut down on my drinking- first time I’ve been told that. I did no exercise and no work today and drank a whole bottle of wine this late morning- early afternoon, remembering nothing from one point on. I never drank as much and as fast as I drank today.

And the house is a total mess. I need to get my act together now and tomorrow.

I just don’t know what to do with TIME when I am no longer engaged at the Winery. I mean, there’s lots of work to do here, it’s just that I got so attached and invested in being THERE.

THERE felt like home.

On a regular Sat, I would be there right now, over 30 minutes of it still being open. When events took place, it’d be another 4 hours of being there. And then, the day after (Sun), I’d be cleaning after the event.

So, tomorrow, Sun- no Winery and no taproom (it’s closed on Sundays), So..

I would like to update you tomorrow, Tee, about me cleaning the house and setting that as a new routine.

🙏 🤍 Anita

Dear Tee:

I’m taking a bit of a break from the topic (and from alcohol) today. I feel calmer and I don’t want to get emotional at this time, but I will read and reply this late afternoon or evening.

Eternally Grateful to you, and hope and pray for you.

🤞 🤍 🫶 🙏

Dear Tee:

“I hope this means you’re touched with what I wrote about finding your true self, and believing, finally, that you’re a good and worthy person 🤍 Finally accepting the truth of who you are 🌟”-

Believing, finally.. that I am “a good and worthy person”- reads almost too good to be true, these words being about me, that is. I want to add these words to my daily mantra, “I am a good and worthy person”.

“It seems you’re in the middle of the grieving process (denial, anger, and now depression), and that acceptance is still hard, because it seems like a great loss. And yes, it’s a significant loss, in which you lost a way of life that you cherished so much.”-

I am glad to report to you, Tee, that the depression has lifted today (a relief!!!). I haven’t been at the now former Winery for the 2nd day, and I don’t expect to be there again. It’ll be a place for horses, no longer a public place.. No reason or purpose.. nor would it be legal for me to be there (without permission from the new owner or owners, 1 or 2 people).

A few days ago, I expressed a desire to have the wooden sign outside the (former) Winery, a sign that’s attached to the outside of the building with screws which I can’t remove, at the entrance to the building. It says the name of the winery and it has an “Open” and “Closed” removable part, which I have turned from “Closed” to “Open” and back to “Closed” numerous times.

Yesterday, later in the day, I received the whole sign as a gift. I was thrilled! That sign has been there for about TWENTY ONE years, ever since this Winery has been open to the public.. and it has meant so much to a lot of people.

The Sign is Mine..!!!

“But even as it is hard and painful, I don’t consider it a devastating loss, because you still have all your capacities, including your health, to turn a new page and use your skills and talents in a new endeavor.”-

Well, I am glad to report to you, Tee, that after the lowest day I had yesterday; today I completed the 3.5 mile walk I used to take before the Winery (and rarely during the Winery), and after the walk I spent 2.5 hours doing some desperately needed cleaning and organizing work in the kitchen.. Just the very beginning, so much more needs to be done.

Later on, after the cleaning+, I want to be involved in some volunteer work.. maybe helping older people who are facing the end of life.. Like in a nursery home.

“You’re now trying to soothe your pain with alcohol, but it’s never a good choice. I think that’s how you can really harm yourself. Try to sit with your pain instead, breathe through it, stay present, and perhaps tell yourself an affirmation, something like you’ve been already doing:… Perhaps come up with another mantra or affirmation for this grieving process, something that will anchor you in your true self (kind, loving, hard-working, helpful). This may help you focus on what you’ve gained, not what you’ve lost. 🤍 🙏”-

Mantra: “I am a good and worthy person. I am a kind, loving, hard working and helpful”.. Too many adjectives.

What I have gained in these last 4 years is self-worth/ a positive self-image. It makes ALL the difference, Tee!

“You’ve said some very important things about the nature of your involvement with the Winery:.. I hear you… you never thought you were competent of worthy to be in charge, to make big, financial decisions. To be an owner. You felt better in the role of a helper – helping the owner(s), but not feeling good enough to offer your opinion, i.e. participate in decision making.

“And yeah, that’s typical for people with lack of self-worth. I’ve experienced it too: I felt incompetent to say things, offer ideas for improvement, in a place I’ve worked for a while. The place later went out of business, due to poor management, and I regretted I’ve never said anything… perhaps it wouldn’t have made a difference, but perhaps it would. Anyway, it was too late, the place was closed.”-

SAME HERE, Tee, just what I feel!

“And I’ve later realized I was operating on a false belief that I have nothing of value to say. That my ideas and opinions are not important. That nobody would care what I have to say. Well, in this particular company perhaps the leadership wouldn’t care, but still, I would have felt better if I did say it. But it was my lack of self-worth that prevented me…”-

I am reading and responding to each part of your post before reading the next part, and what you’re saying is.. as if I said it myself!

“And that’s why I’m very happy that you’ve decided to never again silence yourself, negate yourself, consider yourself a non-entity: “I promise you, Tee- I will never again consider myself a non-entity in a mini-world where others know better. No! I do know better!!!” That’s fantastic to hear! I hope this will be another of your motives and principles in the future: to not annul yourself, but to be a subject in your own life. Not only a helper, but also a creator of your own destiny.”-

Oh, my goodness, Tee.. Tears in my eyes. I will be kind and helpful and hard-working- but I WILL NEVER ANNUL MYSELF, N.E.V.E.R A.G.A.I.N!!!

“I hope that with time, you’ll calm down and accept the idea that the Winery era is gone, but you’re still going strong. And then you might come up with other meaningful ways to spend your days. Because cleaning your home is certainly not very uplifting or fulfilling, at least not on the long run.”-

I’m thinking of volunteering in an old people’s home, old being late 70s, 80s, 90s- to uplift them before they die.

Yes, the Winery era has died. But I didn’t die. And there are so many people that need help.

“So perhaps there will be another endeavor, even a business venture, where you’ll feel motivated to be a part of. And perhaps have more say in it than before?”- don’t want a business venture, no!

It was never my idea to buy a Winery or any business, too anxious about money. I just accommodated someone else’s desire.. and found myself, over time, falling in love with the now former Winery.

I have photos and videos I took over time. Tee, you should have been there. So many people, stories.. flashes of LIFE. Of hopes and dreams.

“So I see this as a new beginning and a new opportunity for you to shine your light… and I hope the depression will lift soon enough! 🤞”- Again, I am relieved.. Actually, I am thrilled that my depression has lifted today!

Talking to you, Tee, is a huge part (!!!) of the improvement I am experiencing today. You are making a real difference for me. 🙏 🙏 🙏

🤍 🫶 🙏 Anita

Hi Allessa:

“I’m glad to hear that you are feeling calmer today. Enjoy your break from the topic. 🤍”- thank you, Alessa. I heard some disturbing news last night but still having a calmer day, reading and processing spiritual principles recently is helping me.

“Yes, I switched to blue hearts for you. 😊”- I had no expectation that you’ll stop using red hearts in communication with other members. The possibility didn’t even cross my mind once, and when I saw you using blue hearts.. I wondered about the reason. Only later (maybe as late as reading the message I am responding to), did I realize you did it for me!

Actually, I hoped but didn’t expect you (or Tee) to stop using red hearts in communication with me after expressing my feelings about it.

Again, it goes back to childhood. I had about zero experience being accommodated by my mother, so I still don’t expect it, sometimes like with the hearts emojis- it didn’t even register that I was accommodated!

Thank you so much, Alessa!!!

“I don’t like making mistakes. The white ones are harder for me to see when I’m tired…”- It’s perfectly okay with me that you don’t post white hearts because they are difficult to see. Also, it’s okay to make mistakes, Alessa. So, if you post a red heart in a message to me, I will understand. And of course, it’d be okay with me that you post red hearts to other members. In no way do I want to be controlling.

How are you today?

🤍🤍🤍 Anita

Hi Alessa:

I am feeling emotional- in a good way- about your message right above, it’s so kind, so generous, so.. I feel honored to receive it, fortunate, really! It’s just beautiful 🙏

“If there is anything else at all I can do. I would be happy to. 🤍”- thank you, and same here: If there is anything else at all I can do for you, Alessa, if something I say- or how I say it, is a trigger for you, please let me know 🙏 🤍

“Checked out another nursery. I’m not sure which one to pick.”- I just asked my AI source (just in case it could possibly help):

“The best way to choose a nursery for a 2‑year‑old is to focus on safety, staff quality, environment, and emotional fit — and to reassure the mother by involving her in visits and decisions so she feels confident.

“Key Factors to Consider- *Safety and cleanliness: Check that the nursery has secure entry, child‑proofed spaces, and clear hygiene practices. * Staff qualifications and warmth: Look for trained early‑years educators who are patient, nurturing, and genuinely enjoy being with toddlers. * Environment: The space should feel welcoming, with age‑appropriate toys, outdoor play areas, and opportunities for exploration.

* Structure vs. flexibility: At age 2, children thrive with routines but also need freedom to play. A good nursery balances both. * Communication with parents: Staff should provide regular updates, be approachable, and respect the mother’s concerns.

* Ratios: Ensure there are enough adults per child (often 1:4 for 2‑year‑olds) so each child gets attention.

* Gut feeling: Sometimes the most important factor is whether the mother feels comfortable and senses her child will be happy there….

“It’s natural for a parent to feel anxious about leaving a 2‑year‑old in someone else’s care. To ease that:… * Trial sessions: Many nurseries offer short ‘settling in’ visits so the child adjusts gradually…* Trust building: Meeting caregivers and watching them interact with children can reassure her.

“Everyday Example- Imagine two nurseries: One has bright rooms, attentive staff, and children happily engaged in play. Another feels crowded, with staff distracted and little communication. Even if both are safe, the first will ease the mother’s anxiety because she sees her child thriving there.

“Simplest Summary- Choosing a nursery is about more than convenience — it’s about finding a safe, nurturing place where the child can grow and where the mother feels reassured. Visiting, asking questions, and starting gradually can transform anxiety into confidence.”

I then asked about the specific concern you expressed some time ago. Answer:

“Here are some general, supportive steps that can help her feel safer and more empowered when choosing a nursery:

Practical Safeguards- Ask directly about policies: Nurseries should have clear safeguarding policies for intimate care (like diaper changes). She can ask how staff are trained, how procedures are supervised, and how privacy and dignity are maintained.

“Check staff ratios and transparency: A good nursery will ensure more than one adult is present in areas where children are changed, or will have open, visible spaces rather than closed rooms.

“Look for accreditation/licensing: Licensed nurseries are required to follow strict child‑protection standards. She can ask to see inspection reports.

“Observe interactions: Visiting during the day and watching how staff interact with children can help her see whether care is gentle, respectful, and professional.

“Communication: Ask how the nursery keeps parents informed (daily reports, apps, verbal updates) so she feels connected to what’s happening…”.

I hope something in the above is helpful.

Your anxiety is understandable, Alessa. I know that you are doing your very best for your son!

🙏 🤍 🙏 🤍 🙏 🤍 Anita