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A Personal Reckoning

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  • December 8, 2025 at 2:46 pm #452759
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m thrilled to hear that your depression has lifted and that even though you heard some disturbing news yesterday, you’re still feeling okay and keeping yourself occupied with cleaning the house and studying Tao 😊

    And it’s nice that you were given the wooden sign with the Winery’s name on it. This, I hope, will be a nice memento of those 4 beautiful years…

    Later on, after the cleaning+, I want to be involved in some volunteer work.. maybe helping older people who are facing the end of life.. Like in a nursery home.

    I’m thinking of volunteering in an old people’s home, old being late 70s, 80s, 90s- to uplift them before they die.

    Sounds great, and a very noble idea! 🤍 You can still be helping and volunteering, only in a different capacity. As you said, there are plenty of people who need help, plenty of causes that you can put your heart into.

    I’m really happy you feel like you’ve found your true self and gained self-esteem and a positive self-image during these past 4 years. And also that you’ll never allow yourself to be a non-entity in your own life. Remember, your needs matter, your voice and opinion matter. You are equally worthy as anyone else! 🫶 🤍

    I have photos and videos I took over time.

    Perhaps you can develop a few of the best photos and put it in an album or hang it on the wall? To have that as another memento?

    I’m happy you’re feeling better, Anita, that the pain is subsiding and the path forward is becoming more visible. I am rooting for you from the bottom of my heart!

    🙏 🫶 🤍 🙏

    December 8, 2025 at 5:08 pm #452761
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tee:

    And I am thrilled to get your message 🙏 🙏 🙏. I read it repeatedly and copied it for my records for keeping. I will reply further in the morning.

    🙏 🫶 🤍 🙏

    December 9, 2025 at 10:07 am #452779
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tee:

    (I will not copy every part of your post because I already copied it in its entirety for my personal records)

    “I’m thrilled to hear that your depression has lifted and that even though you heard some disturbing news yesterday, you’re still feeling okay and keeping yourself occupied with cleaning the house and studying Tao 😊”-

    Thank you, Tee 😊 The recent weeks- long elevated anxiety has led me to pray daily, and the most recent, unexpected depression, has led me to explore spirituality, and that has helped lift the depression. This morning (3rd day of not being depressed 🙏), I had this strange thought (strange because I don’t remember ever thinking it, at least not with such felt- clarity), that I am body, mind and soul. The first two will die, the third will never die.

    I do like the wooden sign and I may some day arrange for a photo album, thank you for the idea! Thank you also for the support and encouragement in regard to future volunteering to help people IRL.

    “I’m really happy you feel like you’ve found your true self and gained self-esteem and a positive self-image during these past 4 years. And also that you’ll never allow yourself to be a non-entity in your own life. Remember, your needs matter, your voice and opinion matter. You are equally worthy as anyone else! 🫶 🤍”- Worth recopying!

    I started to repeat your words about me (in an earlier post) as part of my daily mantra: “I am a good and worthy person, helpful and hardworking”.

    “I’m happy you’re feeling better, Anita, that the pain is subsiding and the path forward is becoming more visible. I am rooting for you from the bottom of my heart!”- Thank you so very much, Tee (and I don’t think I thanked you for the white hearts 🙏

    * I do wonder every day about how you are feeling, but I don’t want to ask just in case you’d rather not talk about it 🫶

    🙏 🫶 🤍 🙏 Anita

    December 9, 2025 at 1:30 pm #452793
    anita
    Participant

    Whatever comes to mind this early Wed (Dec 9) afternoon:

    I feel great sadness (not depression), deep sadness, for saying- in my mind- GOODBYE to my mother. So much of my heart has been INVESTED in her- as a child, an adolescent, a teenager, a 20’s year-old, a 30-s year-old, a 40-s year-old, a 50+-s old- WAITING- A.L.L T.H.A.T T.T.T.I.I.I.M.M.M.E.E.E. for her to value me, to worthy me. To love me (tears in my eyes).

    I feel sorry for me For waiting and waiting..

    In my mind’s eye, right now, I still have the image of her as a loving person, one who CAN love me if only I get her attention in a big-enough way: become a movie star, become very rich. (Literally, these two things and nothing less).

    But that image of her is an illusion. It’s just something I desperately NEEDED, not something that has ever been there for me (or for anyone.. not as an adult). Her childhood was horrific, and what resulted was a mother incapable of loving.

    I kept imagining that what I needed so intensely was really there underneath the rage, the shaming, the relentless abuse.

    This afternoon, I say goodbye to the dream, the image still lurking in my mind. I choose to thoroughly see her as she’s been all along- ever since I was born to her- no love, no heart for me.

    To say goodbye to this stranger.

    She gave me food and cake, clothes, toys, school supplies, bus money & 2 trips within the country- Thank you, mother. Thank you!!!

    I wish her well as she transitions to.. The Source, the Tao.. God. I am so sorry you had such a terrible life. May you rest in peace, mother. May you REST in PEACE. I love you, always had. Goodbye.

    (I will not discuss you any longer. RIP).

    Anita

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