Dear Tee:

I’m glad you’re managing your health situation. When I felt pain in my knee today (during the car ride), I repeated to myself what you expressed, paraphrased: “this may not be dangerous.”

“I hope your journey went well and you came back with a cute puppy 😊 🤍”- thank you, Tee. Cute puppy is a scared puppy whose vomit is.. well, needs to be cleaned tomorrow (can it really be cleaned? I would love to let you know tomorrow).

“Yes, I remember now you talking about Boe, Hunter and Kooper at various times… you say Boe and Hunter are gone now – you mean sold to new owners?”- no, I mean dead. Boe from natural causes; Hunter by an attack by an aggressive deer.

“Is Kooper still visiting you (or his anxiety doesn’t let him)?”- no, he hasn’t because of the bad weather and the new neighbors making concrete (real concrete) changes so it’s not as easy to get here.

Oh, and I misspoke, it’s Kurby, not Curby. (not that Kurby would notice, ha-ha).

“It’s interesting what you’ve shared recently on Peter’s thread… Yes, it would be good if you could see yourself (and your self-worth) as completely independent of her. You’re a separate being, a separate person, and you’re not defined by her opinion of you. What she believes of you is irrelevant, and I hope you’re accepting that more and more.

“Because a narcissistic mother’s opinion of us isn’t relevant at all. It’s always and without exception a negative, unfavorable opinion, which has nothing to do with truth. So the less you feel defined by her opinion, or even affected by her opinion, the better off you’ll be.

“Also, seeing yourself or defining yourself in relation to her – that too is a trap, as you’ve noticed well. And I agree, the solution would be to ‘build a new pathway that doesn’t depend on her at all? One that simply says ‘I am good,’ without needing to see her in any particular way.’ — Yess!!-

THANK YOU, Tee. I had ENOUGH of her- it. She does not deserve any more of my attention.

I believe that you and I, Tee, have been the unfortunate victims of Narcissistic mothers, like you have said all along.

You didn’t deserve it; I didn’t deserve it. These 2 Narcissistic “mothers” deserve no more of our time or attention, I say tonight!

“I’ve just read you’re riding through a storm at the moment… I hope it’s still safe enough!! Please take care!”- Thank you, Tee. I didn’t know if I’d make it, the heavy rain, the heavy, heavy FOG, driving fast (80 miles per hour at the most), over puddles of rain (sounds scary when you drive over them so fast).. What I did, when really scared, was going to my phone, checking tiny buddha.. to distract myself from the clear and present road danger, and praying.

But here I am, another night (Dec 18), safe, wood stove burning, warm.. and I am not smelling new beagle’s vomit. First time in hours that I’m not smelling it (GROSS!), but don’t tell the beagle. I am sure my vomit would smell way worse.

.. I just checked on the beagle, he’s lying on his beagle bed, covered by my flannel shirt I put over him, I patted his head.

All through the drive, every time he opened his eyes, I’d pet his head and he’d closed his eyes again until the next jolt in the ride, and I’d pet him again.. and his whole body would get closer and closer to me as he found comfort in physical proximity to me.

It’s amazing how beagle anxiety and need for comfort is so .. well, same as a human’s.

Didn’t name him yet.. Thought of calling him “Tee” earlier, not kidding.. But he needs a more masculine name.. ? Will let you know, Tee.

🤍🙏 🫶 🤍, Anita

Oh my G., Alessa, I just rescued Bogart from chewing on a sharp pencil, I didn’t get this house beagle proof! Luckily, I removed 3 mouse traps before he got to them, one which activated when I touched it. For crying out loud, I am not prepared..

And then he chewed on a stevia packet I left on the carpet and I asked AI if it’s dangerous for dogs (not in small amounts, a relief!)

Bogart is very active right now. It stopped raining, so I would have taken him for a walk, but the leash and harness purchased are not the right size, plus he’s afraid going out. So, I’m just sitting here letting Bogart know he’s not alone.

Plus, he’s drinking more water right now, and him refusing to go out means he’s going to relieve himself in the house.. I wish you were here to help me, Alessa!

🤍 🤍 Anita

Thank you, Alessa!!!

He’s just like a child, looking up to me! He got so excited hearing a barking dog earlier, and right now, he’s hearing a wild rooster, all attentive.. The Call of The Wild.

It hasn’t been raining for a couple of hours, but I can’t leave him alone and go walking. He’s listening to the barking dog right now. The Call of the Wild.

I’m going to call for a backup right now.. Just checked, Bogart will have company as I go on my walk in a few minutes..!!! (I wouldn’t if he’d be alone).

🤍 🤍Anita

I

In regard to her message, “you all are perpetrators”- I tried to be on her side by never trusting anyone/ be against everyone (and therefore, be WITH her), but no matter what, I was never allowed to be WITH her. No matter how much I rejected everyone, I was not to be one with her-

It never happened that I was one with her, as a team of two.. no matter how much I desired it to be that way.

As she experienced it, I was Always Enemy, NO MATTER how much I desired it to be otherwise. She just wouldn’t let anyone in as a friend or ally.

In her world there needed to be just one good, victimized entity (herself), and everyone else (her daughters, her grandchild)- terribly inadequate disappointments.

She’s been nothing but a terrible person to those born to her and who loved her the most. She was the WORST to those few who loved her the most, and in so being, she destroyed SO MUCH in those few who loved her the most.

Anita

Dear Alessa:

Well, Bogart and I went on our very first walk together late morning, 3.5 miles (about 5.5 km) up and down the hills around here. Bogart did very well, he peed and pooped 3 times (first time in a couple of days, I was worried), he rolled on the grass and had the time of his life! Then took him to the taproom and he did very well reciprocating people’s warm welcomes. I wish there were dog visitors there this evening, so that he’d have dog time, but there weren’t any (very slow there this evening).

Yes, I agree, it’s not good to hit a child. Yes, she was wrong.

“I remember you said that she identified with villains on tv. I’m curious what she felt about protagonists? I only ask because I’m trying to get a sense of the twisted logic. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about that. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. 🤍”-

Thank you for your sensitivity, precious, positively special Alessa. I’m impressed that you remember what I shared so long ago. Yes, she admired successful villains and looked down on protagonists who were less attractive/ less powerful than the villains. She admired POWER.

The accurate framing would be that.. good people need each other to help each other. The enemy are those trying to divide, to antagonize, to accuse and tear down people who are already struggling. People who are taking advantage of honest people struggling- so to tear them down so to feel superior.

“It is heartbreaking to hear how much you were controlled. Not allowed to talk to others, not allowed to express pain when hurt. Not even allowed to dress. A prisoner in your own body. 🤍 I’m so sorry for all you suffered. 🤍”- Thank you so very much, Alessa 🤍🤍🤍

“You are free now. Perhaps the opposite of what she wanted is a kind of freedom from her? 🤍”- Autonomy, Agency, Independence, Self-Determination. Yes, Alessa, all of that. How dare she HUMILIATE me as much as she did..? How did she dare? (Well, she did, simply because it was easy, no one to stand up for me.

Freedom from her equals freedom from being humiliated, shamed, guilt-tripped.. freedom from being shamed extensively- not to Correct, but to Enjoy, as my shame/ pain was her pleasure, her vengeance!

🤍🤍🤍 Anita