Dear Alessa:

I made a big mistake in the last car ride, wearing a strong perfume (WHAT WAS I THINKING.. There’s a beagle in the car, no more of THAT!)

Today, I stayed home with Bogart, not joining a Christmas Day event I was invited to. I can’t leave him alone here because, FOR ONE THING, the place is not beagle-proofed. I have so much appreciation for you, Alessa, being a dog-mom AND a human mom. For crying out loud- there’s so much to it!

Bogart is chewing on a toy bone, approved (I always have to pay attention to what he’s chewing).

He’s adorable though. And yes, I won’t be picking him up, it did hurt my back and was not necessary.

Thank you for the input, Alessa, you are definitely an experienced dog mom, I am so new at this!

🤍 Anita

Dear Alessa: you make me feel that I’m not alone as a (new) dog mom. This is a new experience to me.. He’s just too adorable. I heard Bogart whine, I heard him growl just once.. Didn’t yet hear him bark.

It’s been a rainy but a warm winter here, but tomorrow, it will snow.. Bogart’s first experience in the snow, his very first.. How will he react?

I’ll let you know and respond more tomorrow, post Christmas Day.

❄️ Anita

Thank you, Tee, what a lovely message 👍 🙏

I woke up way too early today (Bogart was restless) and I intend to go back to bed (now that Bogart is sleeping and lightly snoring)> I’ll reply further later.

🤍 Anita

It’s been a while since I wrote whatever comes to mind in regard to my mother, the most powerful figure in my life-

Whatever comes to mind:

There’s an UNBRIDGABLE distance between what/ who I WISHED she was.. and.. what she was.

The endless CRAVING for love.. ahh.. the craving. As in, the most WONDERFUL thing in the world would come true.. if she’d only love me.

LOVE me.. Imagine.. The magic in it. The craving for this magic- endless.

The DESIRE to be loved by her: endless.. And futile. A never to be satisfied DESIRE.

It’s a thirst that can never be quenched.

LOVE ME! LOVE ME! LOVE ME! is the scream coming out of my deepest (inner child) self.

LOVE ME, PLEASE, LOVE ME!

.. Not in her heart, not capable, just.. not there, not there for me, bypassing me… bit of seeming affection here and there, interrupted by HATE.. Yes, hating me.

Every single hour of my life, every hour I’m awake, I feel her hate in the tics/ tension in my body. (easing these days)

Mothers.. some/ too many mothers feel so JUSTIFIED in hating their children, excited to finally be FREE to redirect abuse to the next generation= the defenseless.

It’s a relief for them- to be on the other side of abuse.. (to no longer be the abused, but the victory (to be the ones in power, the abusers!) Ahh.. How much better it feels to Abuse than to Be Abused.

And then the breadcrumbs they throw your way.. to keep you hooked.

Ahh.. Evil.

Dear Tee:

Thank you, Tee, I do hope he’ll get less anxious over time.

“How was his life before you took him? Was he taken to walks and suchlike?”- he was around 40 dogs or so, in a large area (someone’s private property, a guy who raises and sells beagles). The guy said Bogart was a bit “shy” which I guess meant anxious. He said Bogart played with the smaller dogs, so I guess that meant he was afraid of the bigger dogs.

I am heaving a serious cold, nose and ears plugged, but my plan is to try and walk him on the lop today, I just got advice on how to possibly make it happen. i would love to give you some positive news on the matter later.

“Good point! I’ve read that as bosses, narcissists like to take credit for everything their team does. They’re not really keen on giving acknowledgment to others. They also like to create division between people and “us vs. them” mentality. And as team members, I imagine they’re very competitive, jealous of others, perhaps even undermining others.. so yeah, not pleasant people to work with either.”-

My mother’s MO was to create divisions between people. Thing is, when I tried to be on her side against someone she was against, she didn’t let me in (so that she and I were a team against whomever she was against), so it wasn’t ““us vs. them”, as in me and her vs them. She just wouldn’t allow me to be an “us” with her.

“I’m sorry about the tics, Anita, but very glad that they are easing these days.”- thank you, there is indeed an easing.

“In your journal log, you’re writing about the unquenchable craving of your inner child for your mother’s love… What is your relationship with your inner child these days? Are you (the adult Anita) able to give it love that LGA is craving?”-

Well, for one thing, every single day I repeat a mantra that you suggested, repeating that I am a good, worthy, helpful and hard-working person. I also repeat something else you suggested. Right after I say “I replace chronic shame, guilt, self doubt/ mistrust with love for myself”, I add “while the adult part of me holds myself accountable for my words and actions today and every day” (your suggestion was to add “the adult part of me”.

But good point, Tee, I need to add something, some daily visualization.. the hug you suggested I give myself. Actually, I would like to locate that post you wrote to me, the one with practical suggestions for me to love my inner child.

“Thanks a lot for your comment about the other thread! 🤍”- You are welcome, Tee. Sincerely, like I said earlier (andI’ll say it again), you are amazing! It’s a fascinating thread, I spent a few hours on it today. Maybe it’d be interesting or helpful for you to read.

🤍 🫶 🙏 🤍

Dear Tee:

Thank you for your words regarding Bogart. Because he grew up with dozens of dogs, I am sure that, like human siblings, different dogs take on different roles or personality to fit in the group.

“The narcissist thrives on diving people against each other… At home, the narcissist divides family members against each other (e.g. one sibling against the other), and I think the goal is to weaken others and make themselves stronger and superior… the need to dominate and put down others remains the same…”-

Someone asked me a couple of days ago, if I’ll regret not talking to my mother before she dies, and I said that I’d be too afraid to talk/ see her. There was a lot of dissociation that went into being around her, seeing her or talking with her over the decades.

Since I haven’t been in any contact with her for about 12 years, and I’ve been significantly healing recently, I am no longer dissociated, so the FEAR of her- I FEEL it. It’s real and intense.

Even in the most physically weak state, she WILL divide me and turn me against.. me, weakening me in this way, which is her life legacy in my life (self-division, disintegration, dissociation, chronic shame and guilt)

“Yes, I think giving yourself love is really important. A self-hug is good, or when you feel the craving for love that you wrote 2 days ago, to give your inner child that love. To communicate with her and tell her ‘I’m here for you, sweetie, I love you, I’ll protect you’, or whatever words you prefer to use.”-

I needed to hear these words just now, thank you, Tee!

About that LOVE ME longing post from yesterday, similar to other such posts in the past (and more to come), it’s the undoing of dissociation work as part of my healing; going back in time and having the dissociated, silent inner child SPEAK.

“So, if LGA starts feeling that emptiness and craving again, to be there to soothe that craving. I think that might be at least as powerful as affirmations. To figuratively pick up your inner child, take her into your arms and soothe her, letting her know you’ll never leave her..”-

In this stressful day of mine (destroyed my computer, a financial strain; and the responsibility of having Bogart feeling heavy and the cold), I need to do just that 🙏 🙏 🙏

“I’m sorry to hear about your cold. I hope it will ease up soon… perhaps stay inside (specially if it’s rainy and no sunshine), to help you recover more quickly 🤞”- interestingly, I felt better after taking a walk yesterday.

“Take good care of yourself!”- Thank you, you too!!!

ood care of yourself!

🤍 🫶 🙏 🤍 Anita

Dear Alessa:

Using my phone, not having access to the second computer until tonight or tomorrow morning. I like your message very much and will reply further by tomorrow. Hoping tomorrow will be a better day for you (meds) and me

💙🩵🤍 Anita