Adult Anita (AA): Little Girl Anita (LGA) 👧 you are safe with me. I am on your side, always. I love you, always 🤍🤍🤍.

You were quiet 🤫 for so long, hiding in a fog, trapped in no-life.

I want to hear you. I want you to speak to me, to make your voice heard. I want you to expand, express. breathe. Tell me anything you needed to say for so very long.

And no matter how you feel, I am here for you. You are never again alone.

LGA: I was afraid.

Of her.

Felt sick, very sick. Like I was just about going to die gasping for air, panic.

AA: I am here for you, LGA

LGA: I lay in bed scared at night.

I didn’t know if she’d be dead in the night, or if I will be dead.

Death is something I was afraid of every day, every night, just fear on and on and on.

AA: What did she say or do that made you so afraid?

LGA; She said: “I will murder you”, “I will kill myself” (she showed me where on her wrist she’d make the cut, she pointed to a bus or a truck on the street, saying she was going to run and place herself in front of it to be run over)

She told me a lot about how better it’d be for her to be dead, and she said the way I was, who or what I was made her want to kill herself.

I am feeling dizzy.

AA; Let’s talk more later, LGA. I want you to relax now. I love you, always

🤍✨️👧 Anita

Continued:

AA: Tell me, tell me more (I hear you wanting to tell me more)

LGA (or GA): too long of a life to live in silence.. not really silence. Not being heard. Not being heard.

AA: What did you say that wasn’t heard?

LGA/ GA: I said: “I love you, Ima”. I said it loudly many times. I said: “I will do anything, everything for you, Ima!” (feeling emotional).

I said: “Listen to me, Ima, I am on your side, I’ll climb the tallest mountain for you! I love you!!!”

AA: And she didn’t hear you..?

GA: .. I think, I.. she heard me.

AA: But…

GA: She didn’t want to give me the power in the thought that I could help her, that I could have climbed that mountain for her.

She needed me weak.

AA: Because?

GA: to feel power. Giving me a sense of autonomy or agency (adult words, I know) meant to her a loss of power over me.

I was like a toy for her, a wished-for toy- to dress, to feed, to wash with no resistance, no autonomy, no agency. A toy. A thing-toy.

AA: What would you say was the worst thing she did to you (I hear you wanting to tell me)?

GA: Make me a Thing. She made me a thing.

AA: I hear you feeling overwhelmed. Do you need a break?

GA: Yes, I feel scared. I feel overwhelmed.

AA: Later. I love you, GA.

AA and GA

Dear Tee:

Bogart 🐾 is doing so much better, thank you 😊 No, he doesn’t accompany me on my long walks and I think, at this point, that it’s a good thing because there are a couple of dogs, one big and aggressive that are sometimes in the yard along the walk, unleashed, and when they are, they run into the road and that would scare Bogart. It already did (he heard them from a distance and turned back, never to go that route again.

What’s happening now is that he takes me on walks around here. I let him choose the direction and pace so to give him a sense of autonomy, which I believe helped his anxiety. Last afternoon, took him to the taproom- no vomiting- and he had a good time there, wasn’t anxious much even with a big dog that showed up.

I am feeling better as far as the cold goes, but my bladder is a bit sensitive again, so I took more of those pills.

“That was a powerful exercise, Anita, and you’ve uncovered an older (perhaps a teenager?) version of yourself. GA felt the need to take care of her mother, since her mother sounded so helpless and fragile… Yes, her mother wouldn’t let her.. and I think it’s because her mother wasn’t actually helpless and fragile – she only used her victim persona to guilt-trip and weaken GA. In other words, it was all an act. 😕”-

Yes, I didn’t quite realize this even though I’ve mentioned before the Histrionic part of her personality disorder combo. Of course, yes, she exaggerated her despair in dramatic ways, like showing me where on her wrist she’d cut so to kill herself. Yes, of course, that was an act meant to impress me, scare me.

What do you think was her motivations behind the act, Tee?

“I’d like to ask how did this exercise make you feel, Anita? Because the goal is to feel better afterwards (e.g. feeling more empowered, or feeling more love for yourself, or having more clarity, etc.) than before. If you feel more overwhelmed and scared (I feel scared. I feel overwhelmed.), that’s not really the goal..”-

Thank you for your concern, Tee 🙏 but the exercise made me feel definitely good, calm, connected within- not immediately but a short while after I concluded it. GA (yes, teenager Anita 😊) or LGA feeling the fear (while being comforted by AA and given space when she needs time away from an exercise) is part of my healing. I know it is because of how I feel as a result.

The more connected I am to my feelings (undoing the disconnection-within, the dissociation) the healthier I get. So, my intent is to continue the last exercises in the same format and uncover more if possible. When LGA gets scared, I’ll stop, give her space.

LGA/ GA feels better as a result.

“If you feel this format isn’t working for you optimally, I might have some ideas of how to adjust it, but I’d like to hear your feedback first..”- Thank you 🙏 for the offer. Since the format is working for me, I figure I’ll continue as is, for now.

🤍 🫶 🙏 🫶 🤍 Anita