I had a few hors of exercise, rain- cold-free few hours outside, and then socializing with a few people indoors, by the fire, in real-life, red wine.. and then back home.

Here, only 7:13 pm, totally, TOTALLY dark outside, nothing but the reflection of this computer in the windows that earlier, this morning, reflected new sun and trees with leaves and mountains.

Too close to the north pole here, says I.

Dark. Totally black.

Early Nov 3 am morning in Europe.. It’s comforting to know that as dark as it is here, it’s light where you are, or soon to be. London, UK: Nov 3, 6:42 AM, Madrid, Spain: 7:42 AM, Warsaw, Poland: 7:42 AM CET.. and here, still Nov 2, 7:30 pm, right now.

Anita

Mondays have been a definite no afternoon/ evening socializing irl. I do hope to be around people tomorrow!??

It’s something I so desperately missed as a child, a teenager, and onward. It’s like OXYGEN for me, P.O.E.P.L.E.

inner child healing work this evening, whatever comes to mind:

Anita (A): hello, Little Girl Anita (LGA). How are you this early, so very dark evening (not even 6 pm yet)?

LGA: I am a little girl, I like being a little girl.

I never got to be a little girl.

It’s fun being a little girl.

A: How was it before?

LGA: Not fun, not fun at all..!!!

A: Tell me more..?

LGA: My life as a little girl was put on hold.

Never got to enjoy LIFE. Was depressing, was all about Mother’s Misery (M’M)

A: I don’t necessarily know the difference between A and LGA. We are the same person.

A: I don’t really feel comfortable being an adult.

LGA/ A: WE NEVER GOT TO BE CHILD!

LGA: I want to be C.H.I.L.D 👶🧒👧🧑🎈🧸

Don’t want to do adult things when I didn’t yet get to be child!!!

A/ LGA: Letting go of that holding the rope we thought she was holding.

No one holding the rope, no one but me.

Ima- mother- not there. Only a dream, a wish of someone there up above holding the rope.

LGA/A: Only me holding on to the rope.

A/LGA: Where was she?

LGA/ A: Nowhere to be found, No Mother 4 Me.

A: I am supposed to be your mother..

LGA: But you are not! You are me!

A: LGA, you have to give me a chance!

LGA: A chance to..?

LGA: I am not going to submit to another “Mother” holding the rope!

A: Fair enough!

Tell me, what’s next?

LGA/ A: I get to be ME!!, While holding myself accountable to do right by others, each and every day.

A/LGA: We are One, LGA, A.

7:20 pm, Monday evening. I N.E.E.D people. Talk to me.. Anyone?

Anita

Tee: “Anita, I’m happy to read about your progress and having the courage to cut that rope which only you were holding onto, and land softly, gently, quietly on a solid ground… landing softly on a peaceful spot somewhere on your favorite walking trail, in the forest.. where you feel at home… try to connect with playful aspects of being a child: curiosity, playfulness, joy, chasing butterflies and running in the fields”-

Hanging on, holding on to a rope suspended in the air, a phantom mother holding the rope far above, keeping me alive.

A whole life spent with my eyes locked into phantom mother.

All the things I imagined where things imagined, nothing real.

A smile here, a nice tone there.. ahh! Enough to fuel the holding on to the rope.

If I hold on longer, there may be something more. More. Something real. (No)

Tears in my eyes right now. Can you see them on your computer screen..? (a smile)

There was comfort in the hope, the never-ending, enduring hope of a mother loving me,

On the other end of the rope, high above.

Grieving what’s not there.

Let go of that six-decade long hope. Let go. let go of the rope.

Hands unlocked.. Letting go.

I breathe.

Suspended in the air, not falling.

Slowly floating right and left and down a bit, a pleasant descent.

The air- a bit cool, a bit warm

Gently landing in an apple orchard..

Here’s Gordon, the orange cat, so fluffy, so friendly (petting him)

I walk to the pavilion a short distance away, where people are gathering, talking, socializing-

Opportunities to Connect, to smile, to be kind and to receive the same.

To chase butterflies: the wonderful butterflies 🦋 🦋 🦋 of.. love.

Anita

Dear Tee:

First thing this morning, I read your update in regard to your health situation but was afraid a bit (again) to say the wrong thing, so I answered others before returning to this thread.

“Thank you for your care and kindness and for saying that you would even climb a mountain if it would take away my pain…”- You are welcome, Tee, and it is not just words: I really would have climbed a 🏔️ to take away your pain.

“Yes, I’ve been to the doctor… and she said that no surgery was needed, and that physical therapy is recommended (both of which I suspected). What calmed me down a bit is that if my pain gets stronger, I can get an injection to my spine, or an intravenous administering of pain killers, which she says is very effective… But at the moment, it’s still bearable and I’m using some adhesive pads to my back that have a pain & inflammation reducing effect, which helps a little… hoping that I’ll be able to help myself and get relief, and that the recovery won’t last forever… and perhaps that it won’t even last as long as last time 🙏”-

.. I just typed some of Copilot’s input about what specifically causes the pain and how the body naturally heals. I know that in the past, you made it clear that you don’t want (Copilot’s) input on treatments. But would you like Copilot’s input on the exact and clearly stated causes of pain, the body’s natural healing process, and a general healing timeline, in case there might be something new for you..? I personally see hope in it.

* Of course, you can ask Copilot yourself, but the input it already gave me is based on long back and forth conversation, not a 1-time input.

I copied it for my private records and will send it to you if you’d like me to.

“I’m still waiting to be checked by my old orthopedic doctor, who I hope will give instructions for physical therapy (because I suspect the exercises will be a bit different than last time). But anyway, I’m feeling a little better, a little more optimistic at this point”- I am so glad you’re feeling a little more optimistic, I hope you still do!

“Thank you, Anita. Well, I’m trying to be mindful and remain in the observer self (and not get completely sucked into the hopeless, scared child self). It very much depends on what story I’m telling myself: if I start telling myself that I’m doomed, then it gets unbearable to cope. If I tell myself that it’s manageable, that it doesn’t mean anything catastrophic, then it’s easier to cope and accept. I’ve realized that it’s all about how I interpret it, what meaning I give to it. And I’m trying to give it a positive meaning.

“It’s like what Peter said on his thread: ‘The body suffers, yes but you are not the ache. You are the breath that holds it… (being the observer, not only the sufferer), it does get easier. If we don’t rush to interpret it as something bad, and if we even try to see the ‘good’ in it, i.e. the lesson, then it tends to get more bearable, at least for me it does.

“Of course, if the physical pain is unbearable, there’s no way not to focus on it. Sometimes the pain signals an acute health problem that needs to be taken care of instantly. But in chronic pain, the intensity of pain often depends on how we look at it and what meaning we give to it. The more we can sit with it and breathe through it – feeling safe in our body rather than panicking – the easier it gets.”-

All this is helpful to me, particularly in regard to my knees pain-related health anxiety. Thank you 🙏

“Back to you, Anita… I do hear your pain of holding on to hope for so long – holding on to that rope for so long and receiving only pain and rejection. But it is wonderful to witness these corrective exercises, where you let go of that rope – the rope that connected to pain and misery – and land on a soft, welcoming ground..

“I really love your newest exercise: landing softly in an apple orchard, being met by a friendly orange cat Gordon, whom you pet, and then heading towards the nearby pavilion, where you meet nice, friendly people, whom you can talk to, connect to, exchange smiles and good vibes… ✨💫🌟

“It sounds wonderful, Anita. It really feels like gentle landing but also gentle arriving.. to yourself, your connected self, who loves others and is loved by others ❤️

“And I hope you can feel more and more of those gentle butterflies of love in your everyday life 🦋 🦋 🦋 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️”-

Your input/ feedback is very important to me, it encourage me to continue to heal and transform. Thank you beautiful, wonderful Tee!

🌟 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🌟 Anita

Dear Tee:

(I only read the beginning of this part of your message earlier, so following the first sentence, I will be reading each part for the first time, respond, and then read the next part, etc.)

“I’m very happy that my feedback is helping you on your healing journey. ❤️❤️”- your feedback is very helpful to me ❤️ 🙏 ❤️

“It’s also good to hear that you were not as afraid when your sister called you yesterday.”- while talking with her I noticed that I was not afraid, not even close to how afraid I was before, and I had it in mind- while on the call- to tell you about it later.

“Has she mentioned something that would suggest that your mother is doing poorly health-wise?”- no, but sometime ago, I heard from someone else (and I shared about it in another thread) that she was doing poorly. And I know 2 of her older sisters died, and her older brother (uncle Morris) is doing poorly.

“I think it wasn’t your mother’s inner child (Little Girl Mother) who was trying to destroy you, but her protective parts – the shield that she developed around her heart – to protect herself from pain and vulnerability. I think it was her defense mechanisms that kept hurting you, because she refused to admit that there’s an unresolved pain within her – which comes from the inside, not from the outside.

“And so instead of admitting and processing her own childhood trauma, her own internal pain – she kept blaming you (and everyone else) for causing her that pain. She projected that pain on the outside, so she wouldn’t have to look at it and face herself. So she wouldn’t have to be vulnerable, basically.

“So, instead of being vulnerable, instead of admitting that there’s something within her that prevents her from being happy – she blamed you (and everyone else) for her unhappiness.”-

She didn’t want to face/ couldn’t face her pain, she didn’t own it, she rejected it, or defended herself from the pain by fighting, by attacking me as the alleged source of her pain, the alleged perpetrator? Staying angry, chronically angry (“strong”), she avoided feeling weak..? I need to better understand this. I hope you can help me understand this better.

I agree, it wasn’t her inner child who was trying to destroy me, of course not.

“Chance are that you’ve never seen the Little Girl Mother, because she never showed herself to you, or even if she showed herself, those were just brief moments. I know she was complaining and pitying herself a lot, but her self-pitying part was not the scared inner child – I think it was a protective part with which she guilt-tripped and blamed others.”-

Her inner child couldn’t help but be there, locked in, trapped. I could see her, but could never reach her. The protector/ attacker was at the gate, allowing no vulnerability/ no access to her inner child.

But I assure you, I saw her trapped in there.

“She never really wanted to be helped – nothing you offered or tried was good enough (which is typical for covert narcissistic people). There was nothing that could make her happy – because she didn’t want to be happy. She used her unhappiness as a tool to manipulate and control others.”-

I read you expressing this before, but I didn’t quite get it until just now. She used her unhappiness, her misery (and overly expressed it.. exaggerated it..?) as a weapon against me? Please help me understand this better..?

“This resistance to happiness is not the mark of the inner child, or at least not of the most vulnerable part of us. Because the inner child – the precious, lovable little being that we are – wants to be happy and held and loved. It wants to love and be loved. And chances are that you’ve never really seen that part of your mother: the innermost, the most vulnerable part of her. Because she guarded it diligently…”-

No, I have never seen her open to me, as in close, or intimate. I saw her inner child from behind a locked door. Heard the tone of voice of a girl, the way she drew birds, her handwriting was round, like a child’s.

“And most probably she will keep guarding it till the moment she dies.. otherwise she would have made a move to show that she’s sorry for some of the things she’s done to you or your sister. She would have shown regret. But because she hasn’t, it means she’s still living in that defensive armor..”-

I wonder sometimes if she expressed any such regret to my sister, while dying..? Could it be..? I don’t think so..

“Yeah, that’s the most creepy types of horror movies – when an innocent-looking child is a murderer. But as I said, it’s not the inner child that murders or abuses people, but the defensive parts that come ‘on top’ of the inner child.”-

I remembered the name of the movie after I told you about it, “Pet Cemetery”. The defensive part of her is the same as the attacking part..?

“I imagine our personality like Russian dolls: the innermost part is the wounded inner child, and the outer layers are various protector parts, i.e. defense mechanisms. At least that’s how the Internal Family Systems therapy looks at our personality, and I find it pretty plausible.”-

Her innermost part: a vulnerable, innocent, beautiful little girl; the outer layer.. a demon?

By demon, I mean, the extent of harm she inflicted on.. a vulnerable, innocent, beautiful little girl Anita..?

“Hurt people hurt people. And if the person refuses to admit that they were hurt (as children) and that there’s some deficiency in them as a result of that hurt – that’s how I think the narcissistic personality is created. Because they say: ‘there is no deficiency in me – it’s you who is making me feel this way. It’s your fault, not mine.’”-

“There’s no deficiency in me”- can you elaborate on that?

“Anyway, I hope this makes sense to you? That it wasn’t your mother’s inner child that has hurt you, but other parts of her, which were ‘protecting’ her inner child. Her inner child – if my theory is correct – was ‘locked away’, so to speak, and wasn’t accessible to her (she didn’t want to get in touch with it).”-

My goodness, Tee: you said it, “locked away”, just what I said above.

How did it feel to her…to what was left of her, when her inner child was locked away??? Should I even entertain this thought..?

🙏 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita