May 12, 2021 at 9:30 am #379734
the walk was nice and long. I also saw blossoms and flowers. The lilac is about to bloom, also the rhododendron. It smells good everywhere. There is also a canola field nearby. All that yellow looks so beautiful. And I like that the birds are singing so much in spring. Also, I took some herbs and later made a smoothie with them.
In the afternoon I worked on my collages.
Everything is fine, sometimes I just wish I had someone to spend some time with.
Now I will work more on my drawings. Tomorrow as well. And I want to do yoga in the morning again.
Thank you for wishing me a restful night and I did sleep well. I hope your nights are restful as well. Until next time!May 12, 2021 at 10:13 am #379736
Accountable on a Spring Day! Good to read about your wonderful walk, the blossoms and flowers and the singing of the birds. It rained here a bit a little while ago, the sun hidden, and a moment ago- the sun came out and the day is brighter.
I understand your wish to spend time with another person. When we spend time with people we like, decent people who are kind, it’s like the sun coming out from behind some clouds and life feels brighter. It’s the same for other social animals. I wonder if it’s still light where you are, soon after 6 pm, your time (here it’s still light at 9 pm)!
May 13, 2021 at 11:55 am #379783
- This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by anita.
today I was not so productive. Maybe going to work tomorrow will help.
Regarding other persons: you are right, spending time with kind people feels good. Maybe I should step out of my comfort zone more to make friends or at least learn something. At the moment I just still feel a bit insecure about meeting new people. But as long as I am getting to know others slowly and don’t overstep my own boundaries to fulfill others’ expectations, I should be safe.
Here the sun is setting around nine. Now it is still semi-light. But it also was a grey day.
Hope you had a good day! Until tomorrow!May 13, 2021 at 1:17 pm #379789
Accountable for another Spring Day!
“I just still feel a bit insecure about meeting new people. But as long as I am getting to know others slowly”- that’s the key for doing things you are afraid of doing: go slowly.
In summer time it’s not dark outside until after 10 pm. We do live in the same latitude. Good night, Lily!
anitaMay 14, 2021 at 12:25 pm #379884
today was a messy day at work. I made a lot of mistakes. It would be nice if I was just a relaxed, calm person, but I become very nervous and hectic and then things go wrong. I want to help,I want to do the right thing, but then it often turns out to be the wrong thing. This job is probably not very fitting for me. With lots of contact to people and them coming to me asking me questions, it is something that makes me very nervous and insecure and then I make mistakes. For some part of the day I did well, but then I failed again.
When we talked about going slowly, it also applies to such situations. If only I could just stop myself and calm down a bit before acting. But most of the time, the more insecure I become, the more I want to make things right, and the quicker I make mistakes.
Well, right now I cannot do much about it. So best to think of something else.
Tomorrow I want to work on my drawings and maybe do something like yoga or going for a walk.
Good night!May 14, 2021 at 1:13 pm #379885
Accountable every day, messy or not!
“If only I could just stop myself and calm down a bit before acting”- I know it’s very difficult but possible, it takes practice and noticing small progress made every day- not expecting an uninterrupted, ongoing progress on any one day, but just a bit, here and there. Good night, Lily!
anitaMay 15, 2021 at 12:22 pm #379916
you are right, it takes some time to make changes. And the progress is not always linear. I am trying and I have already made some progress.
For a few days, my thoughts had become very dark and I was not very productive. At least today I cleaned up and watched a video about art that made me feel inspired again. Now I am feeling like I am getting in a better mindset again. So I am positive that tomorrow I will work on my projects.
Thanks for your help and goodnight!May 15, 2021 at 1:48 pm #379917
Accountable! Tell me a bit about your very dark thoughts of recent, will you?
(I’ll be away from the computer for hours).
anitaMay 16, 2021 at 12:10 pm #379930
today I am feeling much better. In the morning I made some sketches, but I also spent time reading today. Tomorrow I want to go back to my old schedule with waking up early and working for uni at the set times.
As for the thoughts, I sometimes start to feel that my life is so empty, I feel useless and worthless and ashamed of myself. Then I start to fear that I will never improve and I start imagining how I hurt myself. It is a feeling of shame, feeling ashamed of who I am. It feels like everything is over and I have ruined everything. I start to think about everything I did wrong and such things… But not today. I have calmed myself, even though I am still embarrassed about Friday.
Maybe it was just because of PMS or because I had spent too much time inside. Thank you for asking.
I hope your weekend went well! Take care!May 16, 2021 at 12:39 pm #379933
Accountable! I thought about you yesterday when I visited the city north of me, making a mental note to tell you the following: mask rules have changed after 15 months of the pandemic in the U.S.: It is no longer required for fully vaccinated people to wear masks outdoors and indoors! I was at a store, but couldn’t bring myself to take my mask off, thinking that it will make people who do wear masks uncomfortable. But then I thought: because (1) vaccines have proven very effective, and (2) in the U.S., there is no shortage of vaccines (there is enough for each and every person who wants it), and the problem is that too may people don’t want to get vaccinated because of their political affiliation—- if anyone feels uncomfortable about me not wearing a mask, fearing to be infected by a mask-less person, then he/ she should get vaccinated!!!
On the other hand, I had an uncomfortable experience sitting outdoors with a group of people the day before- I made a comment in regard to how wonderful it was that most of the people at the table were fully vaccinated, a woman who is a right-winger and refuses to get vaccinated turned against me, repeatedly asking angrily: “ARE YOU VACCINE SHAMING ME???!!!!” After some silence (I didn’t argue with her), I told her that it was not my intent to shame her, that my intent was to promote and encourage vaccination. Soon after, she got up with a dramatic flare and left. Everyone at the table stayed for a bit longer, but too soon everyone left, because aggression does leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth, a bad taste that lingers.
You wrote today: “It is a feeling of shame, feeling ashamed of who I am. It feels like everything is over and I have ruined everything. I start to think about everything I did wrong”- I used to think that way. In the past, if I was in the situation I described to you above, with the woman who turned against me, I would probably not have been able to respond to her as calmly and rationally as I did, feeling very guilty and .. of course, ashamed. But the day before, although I didn’t feel good about the situation for the rest of the evening, I didn’t feel ashamed or guilty, I knew I was right about vaccination and that she was wrong. I made this much progress, and so can you!
anitaMay 17, 2021 at 12:22 pm #380003
I had just typed a whole answer to your reply, but then my internet connection was gone and all is gone now :/ At the moment I am feeling too tired, so tomorrow I will write more.
Just quickly, it is amazing how much progress you made and I hope to also make more soon. Sorry that your meeting didn’t go so well. You are right that you don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed for merely expressing your opinion. That woman clearly overreacted. I hope you are having a more pleasant day today!
My day was quite productive and I started and finished a whole collage and did yoga: Tomorrow I will also work on my collage booklet again and maybe go for a walk. Goodnight!May 17, 2021 at 12:39 pm #380004
Accountable for a quite productive day! After losing several long posts in the past, I am now in the habit of copying posts (pressing CNTRL and C) before submitting. Don’t worry about not sending me a longer post. When I typed a longer than usual post to you, yesterday- I enjoyed sharing my experiences with you, the joy was in the sharing! I didn’t expect or need a longer than usual post in return.
Thank you for the feedback, saying that she overreacted, I agree. Have a good night, Lily!
anitaMay 18, 2021 at 12:53 pm #380036
good idea about copying the text! It’s just too frustrating to lose a post and then having to start over.
O.K., I understand about not having to post a long post in return. It was just that I had written a little bit more and then it was gone. And thanks for sharing!
Good to also know that things are getting better in the U.S. about covid. Must be nice to not have to wear a mask indoors 🙂 After my company gave me a paper to get a vaccine, I tried to book an appointment, but it is always booked out. Maybe someday I will be lucky.
There was also some other good news about work. One of the problems from Friday is resolved. Some money was missing, but it was just a mere typo. I am also grateful to my co-worker for letting me know!
Today I also went to therapy and also mentioned the work problems. From now on I want to try to go slower and not immediately react. Best stop for a moment before acting. When thinking about my problems, I remembered the scene from a Mr. Bean movie, where he is left alone with a valuable piece of artwork. Then he sneezes on it, tries to fix it, and makes it worse and worse. Until the face of the portrait is completely wiped out and he draws a ridiculous face on it. I felt like this is me, always trying to fix things, making it worse. Sometimes I should just accept that it didn’t work out and let it be. In the end, I could laugh a little bit at myself. But I was also thinking that I sometimes must get on my co-workers’ nerves with all my worries and insecurities. I also want to try and self-soothe and try not to ask for reassurance so much.
Otherwise, my day was so so in productivity. I drew for a bit but also procrastinated by reading. But reading is better than getting lost on the internet at least. Tomorrow I want to focus on my collages again.
Until then!May 18, 2021 at 1:03 pm #380037
Accountable! I didn’t get yet to be indoors without a mask, I don’t know how it will feel like, it is exciting but I can’t imagine it yet… I will get a chance to see how it feels this weekend when I go to Trader Joes, my favorite grocery store in the city north of me. I am glad the money discrepancy at work was only a typo, and I wish you a successful practice slowing down when anxious. I didn’t see the Mr. Bean movie, maybe I did but don’t remember.. Good night, Lily!
anitaMay 19, 2021 at 11:33 am #380090
I wish you a good experience at the Trader Joe’s store!
At the moment, I have a hard time sticking to my plans and goals. For some reason, it was easier during quarantine? In the future, I have to become more disciplined with myself. Why am I doing this to myself?? It feels so frustrating…
Best to finish the day as good as I can, set specific plans for tomorrow, and try again.