i just have this thing with perfection where when i see someone do something, i think they finessed it, so when i attempt something i want it to be a one shot kill.

anita –

i’m actually so glad that you brought that idea up because the whole “universe will give you what you want/think positive” thing just hasn’t seemed to make sense. and then no matter how people make it seem like “oh i got this because i wanted it” or “wow look at me i’m famous cause i put this energy into the universe and it worked out for me so now look at me because i made it”. i never really understood it. i believed it because this was something my grandfather was very serious about – the universe, but i never understood it, never tried to understand it because i always felt it was so much bigger than praying or anything.

i’m so glad you said it that way anita because you’re right. i COULD’VE said something to that girl today, and maybe the universe did give that to me by having her being there. i don’t know. i don’t know how it works.

now with the waiting and the taking action – i feel like i always mess THAT part up. like how now after maybe a whole year, sending the guy i like just one message allows him to send me stuff now, BUT how do i react? i feel like if i do anything to be myself or try to be sociable (which is NOT easy at all for me) that’s when i mess up. i have the chance, i suppose, but i don’t know what to do with it. but just to say, i don’t feel that i have to be perfect, i can be closer to myself when i talk to him, but i do try to be a little more dainty than usual so that i can come off as some kind of attractive. just so that there is at least some kind of appeal. other than that, i’m usually myself because i want him to take me for who i am. i am not so sure how this whole relationship thing works at all. as far as i’m concerned i’ve never had any friend besides my grandpa and this guy that i like, i want him to be my friend so bad, but i don’t know how to make that happen. me and my grandpa just clicked, which makes a soulmate only much more believable to me. and i know that i said me and the guy that i really like, i feel that we are soulmates, but wouldn’t we have clicked already? i think so, BUT, i think that maybe since i felt so good about being myself around him since the beginning that that means something. i feel as though maybe he just needs to see me as a less timid version of myself and maybe he’d like or appreciate me and all of that.

anita –

you and i used to think the same! i wanted to be all the things you wanted to be, but i let go of all those dreams very recently. i rationed them down a lot and figured that maybe it’s too late or just not what god wanted. i think about acting now though a lot. i don’t necessarily know too many people (personally) that talk about the universe, but when i look at interviews from some of my favorite musicians, they make it sound that way. but now that you said that maybe they actually did something about what they put into the universe, i think that makes more sense. all i do is hope to play the piano or yada yada one day, but they actually taught themselves and put in all the work and stuff. or…one example he used one time was “if i want to fuck that pretty girl tonight, then i will cause i can cause i put that energy into the universe” lmao! but maybe that could happen just because he’s famous too. a lot of people do things without heart. but back to the universe, everyone makes it sound and look so easy. no one ever shows the gap in between and i think that that gets pretty confusing or almost ploylike.

i think a soulmate is more than a mutual attraction. it’s actually something i really don’t know i can explain. my grandpa would tell me that he loved me and i could actually feel the love. it was like…my heart did a backfip. and maybe that sounds a little silly or maybe even exaggerated, but that’s literally the only way i can explain it haha! it’s like i feel all these cool sprinkles around me or something. just like an actual feeling. my mother or my father, i don’t think they can do the same thing. with the guy i like, he’s of course never told me he loved me, but there’s just a feeling that i get about him that makes me feel that he’s the one. as if someone’s over my shoulder tapping me and whispering in my ear, “yeah, that’s the one, girl!” haha! i just feel like i know (or my heart or higher self knows). he’s different and i can tell. i’m sure that we are aware of things beyond us for the most part.

the universe is really a complex thing though. i don’t think anyone really knows what they’re talking about when they talk about it, but if my grandpa explained more to me i think i’d have a better understanding. he really lived by it and that’s one of the things i wish i could’ve asked him about and see what he knew about it in full.

yeah! it’s a pretty weird feeling to have someone ACTUALLY love you. and i do feel something similar with this guy, i really really do. which is why i keep waiting for him mostly. i feel like something is just bound for us for some reason. a lot of the people i’ve liked in the past, it was so easy to just let go, but with this guy, it’s so different. it’s just…it feels real!

and with my grandpa he lived very much by the universe and astrology and he believed in them. i wish i could explain it better than that i haven’t asked him about any of these things in too much depth, how he felt about them, but it was evident that he was extremely passionate about it all. he probably knew way more about it all and how it would work than i think. he would usually tell me lots of things (mainly things i would ask about) but in bits because there’s so much to learn.

i’m not sure anita, i never looked at it like that, but i truly did believe everything my grandpa told me. i always believed in spirits, but i never knew what was behind it, but he did and he helped me kind of categorize what that was or just to give it a name other than just “ghosts” he opened my eyes to the world. to the universe. to just…being. it’d be nice to feel that love all the time, but i think there’s a big difference between loving something or someone and then being in love. i save in love feelings for certain things and people. i haven’t really figured if too many people deserve that kind of love from me. especially if they’re going to make me feel bad for feeling that way. for feeling overly passionate about them or something i like. this guy that i like is special and i choose him to have the love that i have for him. just figuring out whether he wants it or not, i think that’s way ahead of me at this time. i don’t think we’re at a point where i can ask or tell him about it. i hope things move along a little further by sometime this year. i’ve liked him for almost 4 years now and he’s really the only one i’m going for. i don’t want anyone else. this i’m very sure about. i used to say the same thing about a lot of the crushes i had just to make it feel or seem real to me, but this guy, he’s like the top of the line. the one i’d really only want. for real.

i think going up for vice president at the school club is definitely the challenge for today. there was so much talking to so many people today and it was so out of my comfort zone. and that’s just today. imagine what’ll be asked of me next tuesday haha!