fbpx
Menu

Alone

Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Alone

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 256 through 270 (of 389 total)
1 2 3 … 17 18 19 … 24 25 26
  • Author
    Posts
  • January 5, 2018 at 7:31 pm #185305
    Lisa
    Participant

    There is nothing to write. There is no there there. There’s nothing, so it doesn’t matter what anyone chooses to do. My only existence is work and my room. If I didn’t have to make money I would stay in my room.

    I just want to know why it has to be this way?

    I am hated for my own pain.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Lisa.
    January 6, 2018 at 6:52 am #185335
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    I mentioned the title of your thread many times in my different replies: “Alone”.

    Strange thing: I find myself Alone on your thread. I am typing to you this very moment, and because of my experience on your thread so far, I am typing to you but it is as if you will not be reading this. Are you reading this?

    What I mean by this is that it feels to me that you didn’t read anything I wrote so far, as if I have been Alone myself, all this time, on your thread.

    As if you have been in your room, locked in your room all this time and my posts to you were like background noise outside your room, just noise. My ideas did not reach you, my suggestions did not reach you. There has been no meaningful exchange, nothing mutual, no…. meeting of the minds or hearts.

    anita

    January 18, 2018 at 12:03 pm #187445
    Lisa
    Participant

    I have a difficult time accepting what someone thinks is my truth when my reality contradicts the what they think.

    I want to know why I am unwanted. The trouble is you can not answer that so you have to look to me even though I have felt this way since I can remember. I felt like I was an annoyance first, felt like an annoyance at school from teachers, felt like a tag along with “friends,” felt like a “loyal” friend who was only there to support someone else and be made to fee just glad I had them as a friend and make them look like the better person. I was a good person but everyone puts themselves above me. They couldn’t be equal to me…they had to be better and ignore thier faults like they had none. I am punished and right now I am in a fight with every saboteur heading my way to mess up my job and I have dodged everyone. Can I keep up that pace. They determined to make sure I mess up and open my mouth. That’s my problem I talk but I am encouraged by what is happening.

    Sorry for my seventeen page thread. I post here because I have no where else I can talk about this.

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Lisa.
    January 18, 2018 at 3:54 pm #187467
    Lisa
    Participant

    I really wish one could edit posts always because I am sometimes in a hurry and I do not text very well.

     

    I know on paper what I need to do but I can’t get over the original rejection and what seems like the ongoing rejection. A handful of people know that I am a good person…I can post more later but I do not feel I can.

    January 19, 2018 at 5:51 am #187551
    Lisa
    Participant

    I always want to get to the root of a problem to learn how something came to be so I can understand. There is always a reason for things I believe. I don’t accept “well that’s just the way it is.” I have to go to work again. I won’t accept injustice. That’s not an answer….and if things have to be unjust then I will call every injustice out no matter how much they don’t want to hear it. It’s my only power.

    January 19, 2018 at 6:27 am #187557
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    You wrote that you post here because you have nowhere else to talk about this, about what troubles you so, about the injustice you are experiencing. You wrote that you “will call every injustice out”, that it is your only power.

    Please do post here, anytime. You are welcome to add more and more to your thread. I welcome all your posts, as they are.

    anita

    January 21, 2018 at 4:42 am #187813
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    I think I understand now, after all of our communication… and miscommunication of the last nine months on this thread something I didn’t understand  before.

    I think that the Key Sentence of all that you shared is that you cannot tolerate an ounce of criticism from anyone.

    What I understand today is that criticism to you includes when any person expresses any difference from what you stated to be true to you. You believe, for one, that all men hate you and hurt you, and that the women who tried to help turned against you and supported the men who hate you.

    If I suggest differently, I think you take it as criticism and you automatically view me as one of those women who are either hurting you or trying to help you but am supporting a man who hates you.

    In your truth, according to what you believe is true, you are a good, intelligent, creative, hard working woman barely surviving a hostile world where all people hate and hurt you or about to do so every time you try to improve your life and every time you assert yourself. A world where people expect you to submit to their alleged superiority and abuse.

    You fight against that expected submission, rebel against it. In this world, as you view it, you are truly Alone.

    I believe that there is no way to live in such a world other than to survive it while suffering a whole lot. And that has been your experience so far, as you shared: barely surviving and suffering a lot.

    Understanding what I understand now, I will withdraw from now on any criticism as you view criticism, that is, I will not express any difference from what you believe to be true. I will instead wish you well and I may simply repeat what you share, as in a mirror, to let you know someone read what you shared.

    And I do wish you feel better. I do.

    anita

    February 2, 2018 at 7:45 pm #190401
    Lisa
    Participant

    Anita you do not have to repeat what I say. I react to what I observe. I think I have a right to be proud of one or two things about myself although that doesn’t seem to go over well. I am quite observant, almost vigilant. I study everything. People can think whatever they want about what I say about myself but I am very grateful for my intuition. I understand motivations, intentions…if I had to choose between lonliness or being unaware I guess my choice is lonliness. It’s not worth losing myself.

    Like I said I base my thoughts on what I have observed. Let someone prove me wrong. They never do. I want them to prove me arong. They seem to even go out of their way to prove me right.

    February 3, 2018 at 4:07 am #190413
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    Okay then, I will not only repeat what you wrote.

    Instead, I will do the following: I will state what I understand that you believe and ask you if I understood correctly. If I didn’t understand correctly, please correct me and state as clearly as you can what it is that you believe. Please do not be vague.

    If you choose to not answer me, or you answer me in a vague way that  does not answer my question, then there is nowhere for me to go further on your thread. I will have to no longer post on it because of a total failure to communicate.

    This is what I understand: you believe that every time you tried to improve your life circumstances, people (men who hate you and women who either hate you or support the men who hate you) purposefully caused your efforts to fail, abusing you and insisting that you submit to their abuse.

    Did I understand correctly, and if I did not, will you correct me and state what it is you believe on the matter (every time you tried to improve…) clearly?

    anita

     

     

    February 3, 2018 at 4:40 am #190419
    Lisa
    Participant

    Anita you absolutely do not “have to” post on my thread and evidence of my beliefs lies in many who wish you wouldn’t and they can answer that question right now. The totally want me dismissed. I can’t remember once not appreciating or looking forward to your posts. That’s how I feel. How you feel about posting is what is important.

    I get the feeling that I am supposed to be unaware and be the happy best friend to other women who get things handed to them. You think I hate men when I am disgusted by men who say “let me check with the boss” or another guy acts all apologetic to his wife or whatever she was when he made a simple mistake. How about thinking for yourself and not having to “check” with anyone but discuss. Your an individual and you should act like one.

    When I am at work I have to take insults, be criticised and left out on top of that and after months of letting it all roll off my back I have now settled into being somewhat liked, on call for whomever needs a fill in but not truly wanted when it comes to anything outside of work. You see as long as I keep my mouth shut and smile, be available for work when someone calls out and go home I’m good.

    When I am the customer other places I am also insulted. I can not explain everything now. I have to go.

    February 3, 2018 at 4:59 am #190423
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    You didn’t answer my question, not the way I asked you to answer.

    But you wrote that you “can’t remember once not appreciating or looking forward to (my) posts”- and that means something to me, therefore I ask:

    What is it that you appreciate about my posts, what is it that you are looking forward to in my posts to you?

    Please answer me, Lisa.

    anita

     

    February 3, 2018 at 7:17 pm #190541
    Lisa
    Participant

    To answer your previous question I would have to be in the mood I’m in when I feel that way. When I was in that mood I felt very very strongly that I was a nothing to men and women would just smirk at my being a nothing. I felt that. I could give you numerous examples of this. I feel it to some extent when I am feeling better but it doesn’t bother me as much. Depending on what week it is I believe strongly that I am disliked.

    Rationally I believe that I can not get over my father not being a part of my life, being hurt by people I trusted when I was a child, Most daughters do not have to work on or seek out attention from their fathers. Their fathers are there for them. I was going through a trauma in my teens but felt like everyone thought it was up to me to make everything work. I am stubborn now and insist that I approached first. In the past the only approaches I got were physical I wanted someone to ve interested in me, my thoughts, ideas…no one was.

    Today I was listening to a video about “being a victum and how not to be.” I didn’t fully understand everything he was suggesting or said but liked the overall idea he was expressing. Talking about “reactions” which I get but it’s hard when you are hurt or insulted. I would also not want to lose me emotions wholly.

    I do believe I put myself into the victum mode but that has always been my experience.

    I appreciate your posts because you are one of a handful of people who see something worthwhile in me and actually say it to me. You are very insightful and I feel that you truly want to help. I have had my ups and downs but I am always interested in what you have to say. I think you have tried to motivate me to look forward but I am stubbornly holding on to something I will never have. Unconditional love. It’s the only live I am interested in.

    I want to do something about my situation but I don’t know how to act and desperately looking for an answer. If I can figure out what is broken or what is causing the block than I could do something about it. Even in my calmest I do feel I am not pursued. I heard from a friend of mine today how her boyfriend saw me at my work and told her how pretty I looked. I appreciated the compliment but are they always coming from men who are married or atrached?

    I am tired right now. I do appreciate your posts Anita and your help. I sound frustrated because I am working with a set of beliefs and looking for answers as to why those beliefs seemed to be reinforced. I want someone to prove what I say is wrong. I am very tired and I am sorry if I haven’t communicated well with you. I do need to go to bed though.

    Thank you

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.
    February 3, 2018 at 9:28 pm #190547
    Lucas
    Participant

    Hello, Lisa

    Know first that you are supported and cared for here. No one here will cause you any harm or give you unnecessary criticism. We are all here to support one another.

    I cannot say that I am completely qualified to give advice, as I myself still struggle with low self-esteem, depression, and occasional suicidal thoughts, but I guess I’ve learned through my time here that this doesn’t necessarily matter.  There is no expert degree in life studies, just people that learn from each other and their experiences.

    It is very unfortunate to hear that you cannot afford a therapist, but if I may, there are a number of websites where you can talk to others that are going through the exact same thing that you are. Knowing that you are not alone makes the process a little easier if you ask me.

    Best of luck to you. I hope you can find time to heal wherever you are in your life.

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/best-depression-websites-2015-1228154

     

    February 4, 2018 at 5:15 am #190577
    Lisa
    Participant

    I apologize for my many typos in my last post.

    Lucas thank you for your kind, supportive and encouraging words and for the link.

    I am glad that you also have a place where you can talk about how you feel and feel supported as well.

    I hope that I can get to a place where I can contribute to this forum in a way that you, Anita and others do.

    February 4, 2018 at 6:17 am #190587
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Lisa:

    I am glad you answered my two questions. What a relief it is for  me to be acknowledged by you, on your thread, that is to be answered. I don’t feel Alone now, on your thread.

    You wrote that you look forward to my posts to you because I am one of a  handful of people who see something worthwhile in you and actually say it  to you. It  is true, I do see you as worthy and will say it again, any time you want to read  it.

    I am indeed glad you answered me. I am now motivated to respond to you again and again, for as long as  you keep posting, for as  long as  you would like me  to.

    As to the proof, that your core belief is  not true- no one can prove that to you unless they provide a counter  experience for you, an experience different that what lead to the formation of your core belief. The proof will look something like this, I  imagine: a single man has to pursue you, repeatedly, consistently, reliably. He will have to never criticize you, to always  be kind to you. He will have to  provide for you so that you are not exposed to other people, so that  your body rests and heals best it can from your many years  of  hard work. He will have to nurse you when you are sick a nd  endure the times  of your distress. He will have to be there for  you always. And when you get angry at him (because of old  hurts and  old betrayals). he will have  to endure and be kind to you nonetheless. Always.

    I don’t think anything less will do, correct? And  even such a saint  of a man may not be enough. I don’t know.

    There is no arguing with life experience. You really were betrayed by your mother, your father,  other family members, and  other people throughout your life. This experience formed your core belief, how you feel about life and what you can expect from people. The little acts of kindness that you received and  receive, are  simply not enough, I don’t think. Are  they.

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 15 posts - 256 through 270 (of 389 total)
1 2 3 … 17 18 19 … 24 25 26

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.