Dear Lisa:

It occurred to me, after posting the above, remembering that you wrote that you are stubborn: I think that the only counter experience you are open to is what I described, that saint of a man pursuing you (saint because of how lovingly he will have to react to you when you are distressed, as  you are so often)- that is the only corrective experience you are open to. No other.

If you would like, can you describe that scenario, after all you are the best source for such a description, what kind of corrective experience will prove to you what you need proven, how will it be like?

anita

I am  41 years old, male. I am from the Philippines.

I need to talk about my situation to anyone or somebody. I never seem to find someone who can relate to my circumstances and situation, and I get depressed and I feel defeated because of this. Most especially when friends and family would even blame me for all the undesired things that happened and is happening in my life then and now.

It all started about 5 years ago. I am in my final year of training in Cardiology, specialising in Echocardiography at the Philippine Heart Center. I could say that I was doing so great and I am one of the brightest young doctors-in-training then. I was very critical in my analysis, active in research, and very thorough in my patient observation, and case diagnosis and discussion. I am able to „wow“ my superiors in case conferences and case discussions. I have delivered clear and comprehensive, undeniably complicated discussions and lectures to such simplicity and cohesiveness, that I was able to connect several points of unrelated topics to a single, united, solid explanation. I was even the first fellow-in-training to have conducted a very specialized and advanced comprehensive lecture about 3D echocardiography in a national Convention of Echocardiographers here in Manila, Philippines. I have delivered it so well and I was so astounded that everybody in the hall was so quiet after the lecture but a few minutes later only to burst into a standing ovation. I felt so elated. I was considered an expert in 3D Echocardiography… I was a star. My colleagues even branded me names. I was called „the Professor“. I felt proud and I felt I deserved the accolades since I have worked hard for these things. I always loved my work and I always gave my best to it. Everything then seems to be working great. It was the last month of my training, after which, graduation follows and be considered a full-fledged Cardiologist-Echocardiographer, and be conferred all the privileges and the rights of one. But something happened. I did not graduate. I did not get my diploma. A month before the graduation, I was charged and accused of offenses in the Heart Center. Very terrible and unfounded accusations were thrown at me. Small things that would not even matter were made big and used against me. I was accused of neglect of my duties, copying/plagiarizing researches, and disrespect of superiors. I was marked incomplete and unfit for graduation since I missed the final examination. I missed it because I was deliberately not informed of the schedule. The way all these things happened appears to me a big conspiracy to obstruct and prevent me from getting my diploma. I felt confused, terrified, helpless and crushed. All 4 years of training in Cardiology seem to have been wasted, all for nothing. My friends and colleagues distance themselves away from me. Some of them were even threatened by superiors, if in any way my friends would help me or petition support and justice for me. I cannot even find support from my immediate superiors. I was left alone. I was told to resign. They told me it is the easy way out. I tried to fight for my rights. A panel/tribune was formed to investigate my case. The verdict was biased. They are telling me to just resign. I thought that I would not resign because I have not violated anything that may constitute a resignation. I thought that it would be easier for them to get rid off me if I were to resign. I tried to reason out to them, and I fought. I consulted a lawyer for my rights. While the investigation was on-going, and it was now supposedly my last 2 weeks of training before graduation, I was suspended from the institution. I continued to come everyday for I was not given a formal suspension letter, only a verbal one. My immediate Superior forced me to go home and he literally dragged me and my bag out of the hospital. This was witnessed by a lot of people in the lobby and I was so terribly ashamed and scared. I almost cried in front of them. I just went home. It was so traumatic for me. They never listened to me and Graduation came without me included. For several weeks that followed I stayed home alone. I did not tell it to my parents. Sooner they have found out. The sad thing about it is that they blame me. They said that I have poor interpersonal relationships, and I should have done this or that. I felt so bad and felt that it is all my fault, and I have destroyed my future.

I was heart broken. In all aspects of my life. Yes, including in matters of love. During my stay in the Philippine Heart Center, I had a love-interest in my department. She was the perfect girl for me. We had a couple of dates. I tried to woo her. I could sense and see that she likes me and I very much like her. But then terrible things happened. She was talked to stay away from me. I knew she was forced to do so. She was new in the department and she is on probation. She could easily be removed from the job and the job matters to her and her family. Yes she stopped seeing me and she wouldn’t even respond to my text messages. Then things happened fast, before long I was fighting for my own „air“ just to get my certification, the one thing that I have aspired for and worked hard for for the past 4 years. But I did not get it. Likewise, I broke my heart when my love-interest turned away from me.

My friends-in-training were nowhere to be found also. They promised to help me by petitioning the higher-up superiors to reconsider my case. But they were threatened. Threatened not to graduate also if they do something to help me. Even my superiors whom I considered friends, and father-figure now despised and avoided me. It felt so terrible. I could not help but blame myself for what had happened. Then I asked myself why is it happening to me – after all those sacrifices, night duties, researches, and services that I have given…

I have contributed significantly to research in the Center. Weeks after my dismissal, I have come to know that my name was stripped off from my papers, and publications of colleagues which I have co-authored of. It was so painful. I could not even imagine that they would go to such extent! I was furious and in-pain. I could not do anything. I felt that everything was being done to erase my name from the institution, and even from Cardiology and Echocardiography itself.

I tried to rebuild myself again. I went back to my province and tried to establish my private practice in my hometown. Unfortunately things did not end there. It was communicated in the province through the Philippine Heart Association that I did not finished my training and I am restricted to doing Echocardiographic procedures. While it is true that I have not finished my training for the remaining 2 weeks because I was suspended, I can say with conviction that I am one of the most competent in my field if not the best. My past keeps on haunting me, and I felt so powerless. They are destroying my reputation until this time. What is sad is even my family still blames me for it. And every unfortunate thing that happens in my work, my family seems not take my side. I love my parents, and I care for them but I feel so degraded when they blame me for things, and convincing me to be someone who I am not. Yes they tell me to just be like this person, like this doctor who knows how to „play“ around things and people. And yet I feel that is not the way they have brought me up. And when I look at them, that is not exactly who they are like also. What I mean is I knew I did my best, and that is who I am and should I change myself to someone that I am not? I am confused. I felt trapped, that if I continue to be stubborn and insist myself I may end up on the same terrible path. Whereas if I change to someone that I am not, I may lose myself and feel even more depressed and unhappy. I am trying to fight for what I beleidigt and what I am right now. I don‘t just know if it is should be this way. I feel tired, and depressed.

I made some steps to pull myself out. I thought of moving out of the country. I have tried to look for work and further training abroad. It is not easy though especially if one comes from a third world country like me. I have tried to learn German language. I am fascinated about German culture and behavior. I imagine and think that maybe I behave more like them – their quirks and peculiarities. I really don‘t know. All I want for now is to get away elsewhere where I can find myself again. I want to find my own „tribe“. It is not easy though. Studying another language takes time and patience. I have come to realize this in the past 2 years that I am up to it. Moving away abroad takes money also. For this I am trying to save up. There are tests to be passed to get certified to practice medicine in other countries. It is hard. Sometimes I want to give up. It feels like I this is not going anywhere. My progress is really slow. Maybe because I am getting too old for studying. I am turning 42 years old this April. I am getting frustrated and tired of life. I feel lonely. To top it all, my parents are even discouraging me to leave. They are getting old, and in our culture, children are usually tasked to take care of their parents in their old age. But I am not happy anymore. I feel stuck. I feel life has not been good to me. I have given myself away and I can‘t find myself now. I feel sorry for my past younger ambitious self. I thought I have left him down. Whenever I look back it pains me. Whenever I look forward, everything seems bleak and blurry. Whenever I look to myself now, I always think I deserve something better than this and it does not have to be this way. But what must I do? I am doing what I can. Or maybe just stop trying? Let go? I have read about „letting go“ in a couple of books and writings already and I just can‘t seem to grasp its meaning. Would letting go mean also of letting go our true self, our very aspirations and dreams? Would it also mean being mediocre? Be abused? I am confused. Please help.

* Dear Ramon: if you would like the input of other members, will you start your own thread?  Click Forums above and go from there. You can copy your post above and paste it into your thread where you are the original poster. I will reply to you there.

anita

Hello Lisa,

I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I read your story, starting at the beginning. I agree with Anita in that you definitely are heard on this site. I believe many people feel alone just like you. So in that, you are not alone.

I am not sure if you are looking for someone to empthaise with you or actual advice. However, after reading your thread I felt so happy for you in the middle pages where you wrote down your goals and were making progress toward them e.g. eating healthier, walking more and getting a better sleeping pattern, so my thoughts are to say more about things that helped me in terms of positive progress.

Like you I have found life isn’ fair. Just watch a nature programme when a little animal just been born/at a young age is killed by another predator. Nature shows us life isn’t fair and its not fair for humans either. But I  do believe there are certain rules in nature and sometimes the things in life that seem unfair are actually trying to teach you something.. its just so hard and tiring to see that at the time. Life isnt ordered, just or fair sometimes and accepting that makes life easier to live i find. It all depends what you believe. I like much of what people say about the law of attraction and like to believe things happen for a reason. But everyone to their own.

In terms of practical help I would suggest the following things but you don’t have to do any. I do understand how you feel though. I have felt very much alone for as long as I can recall.

1) perhaps try and listen to guided meditations as you wind down and go to bed. These have helped me calm my over active brain and help sleep. They could help you. I peronally like ones by Jason gallant but it’s up to you which you like

2) You said you can’ afford therapy but there is perhaps other, alternative therapies you could try. Here in the UK the NHS offers free therapy to people online and there are websites like Talkspace, elder wisdom circle and 7 cups of tea that offer online therapy which may help.

3) I think what Anita said about patience in previous posts was so true. When I feel down I want to get better RIGHT NOW and somehow feel a failure when that doesn’t happen and feel discouraged, like back to square one as you describe. I think the key is to keep trying. You say you are stubborn and have tried, so persevering when you are having a down day would be a great use of that trait.  Think of a little donkey on a trail that just keeps on plodding on even if it’ just small steps one day and slightly bigger the next- the donkey will get there. For those days I have a journal which you can buy online called a 5 minute journal which asks you to write down things you are grateful for at the start of the day and write an affirmation and then asks you to reflect at the end of the day. That has been useful to me in seeing the good things in life and I would perhaps recommend to you.

4) at the start you mentioned you had a dog. It sounded like the dog gave you happiness. The dog would also help you get out of the house on bad days. Have you thought of getting one again? Perhaps getting one from a pound e.g. a dog that was also alone will encourage you both to heal. This may involve you cutting down some hours but from what you post, it sounds like you are so tired from working two jobs so doing less hours is a good thing. We need to take care of ourselves first.

5) you say you are an artist and a writer which is great. Anita is right, you do have a good way with words and express things clearly at times. How much art/writing are you doing Currently? It doesn’t have to be perfect at all. How good or not good you are at writing is no reflection on your self worth and value as a person…They aren’t linked. Perhaps you could join an art or creative writing class or perhaps start a free blog on word press?

6) when I am feeling especially down I like to Google things in the hope of finding someone ‘like me’ out there. In time I have found Ted talks which are useful and also YouTube videos. Try the one from a poster called ‘improvement pill’ about filling the iner hole (you will recognise the video as it has cartoon characters in) or videos by Teal Swan on the inner void, lonliness etc. There are also a few by Michael singer and Eckert rolled that whilst I don’t always understand principles, are relaxing to watch.

I have more to write but think this is long enough for now. I hope you have a good day today and do at least one thing that makes you feel good about your life/day. I would be interested in hearing about your progress towards your goals you mentioned.

Please take good care of yourself.