Anita,

I did not end up going to the lake house.  I believe he realized I was not going to sleep with him.  He still messages me but I’m like whatever with that. He’s funny so it’s just someone to talk to sometimes.

I feel like maybe I’ve made an error in judgement.  They say once you start to forget about someone they pop up out of nowhere and that’s exactly what happened.  Saturday morning I was walking my dog and I get a text from “S” and I called him.  I started crying and explaining some of the things that happened before his daughter got sick and how I should have said something to him.  He stated he wasn’t happy that his girlfriend broke up with him via text and woke up to reading it.  Which I can understand.  He told me he loved me and that was the end of the conversation.  I believe on Sunday I asked him to call to further discuss.  He sent a picture of him and his daughter getting yogurt and stated they were going to watch a movie and he would call Monday.  He said that he missed me and hoping I was having a good night.   He did not call on Monday.  Now I’m trying to put myself in his shoes.  I think the yogurt movie thing was fine.  I think he should have sent a quick text last night if he was busy.  However, if my daughter is at a hospital with leukemia and I’m staying in a tiny apartment with one bedroom, I don’t know that calling would be on my priority list.  Her hair is starting to fall out and she is no a steriod that makes her face very puffy.  I’m trying not to be selfish with I,I,I regarding our relationship.

There is a lot I want to say.  Mostly things I did not communicate about, issues I had, etc when we were together.  There is a very short video I found on social media explaining people’s behaviors who are love deprived.  It keeps going around in my brain to send him but I’m not sure to send it.  It might feel like to him that I’m am blowing up his phone and he has lots to deal with that are important.  I keep thinking about it.

I’m having all this anxiety but we will end up getting back together so I’m not sure why. He wouldn’t have talked about it with me or said he loved me and missed me.  In fact he would never had reached out staying thank you for the care package I sent to his daughter and that he still had my key to my house. He stated that we would talk about it later in our first conversation we had.  I feel mixed up.  I hope you are not disappointed. There was no way I could ignore him when he reached out initially.  I’m wondering why I have this anxiety about him not calling.  It’s kind of unhealthy when I think about it.  And almost not something I should even worry about.  I mean we can’t really have a relationship anyway until he gets home in a few weeks.

Lindsey

Anita,

I feel like I made a mistake. I’m back to the Tuesday after I broke up with him to an extent.   Yes I went to the pool last weekend and this past weekend.  I enjoy it and also doing things and being around my kids. But he just does not go away.  I feel like I will go crazy waiting for him to call.

I believe you are right that he does not follow through with his actions. I do believe he means what he says from what has happened when we are together but for some reason-personality, laziness?  it just doesn’t happen like it should with his actions.  It really sucks for me that I cannot explain myself to him.  I have all these thoughts and maybe I will write a letter.

I don’t understand why this happened and why I could not just ignore his texts.  I feel like I cannot deal with this again. There is no way.

lindsey

Anita,

I am shaking.  I don’t feel like I can  do that but I don’t feel like I can continue

Lindsey

Anita,

Does my brain shut off during this situation with “S?”  I cannot understand why I would put my self in a situation like this that is so unhealthy for me.  I do not want to say he is a bad person but…he’s not good.

This is my fault really.  I’m so worried about people noticing that I have mental health issues when they meet me and get to know me.  I don’t think it’s about that.  I think that my issues with self worth and self esteem make them wonder if I have issues.

I have got to get myself together.   yesterday was just embarrassing and self destructive.  I blocked him on all social media.  I deleted his number but probably should have blocked it.  Which I will when he decides to text.  I have a really good male friend and so far he has been right about everything and I have not listened to him.  “S” will reach out at some point.  And when  he does I will not answer and then block the number.  My friend stated he reaches out to me because he has access and is making sure he still has access.  He does have feelings but they are all on his terms and he is happy with the situation.  He doesn’t care about my feelings or my happiness.  This really does not read as a good person.

Lindsey

Anita,

There is an obsessive component in a lot of my posts that I write to you.  And it’s about  men.  My brain seems to got back and forth and around-erratic really when talking to you about them and my anxiety with their behavior.  It is my brain not wanting to work on what I need- self love and self worth.  I think because it’s easier? But what I go through with my anxiety is harder.

This man “S” is not a good man and has not treated me well at all.  I sit back and I am embarrassed. I believe now that I have some significant trauma possibly from my marriage.  I have not discussed in depth this trauma or how it has effected me. It’s troubling because it seems to be an every day battle with my thoughts.  There is this short video on a social media app called Tic Toc about moving on.  I listen to it a few times a day.

Why do I get side tracked when I have 2 great kids and a pretty amazing dog.  Why do relationships and dating men who are unhealthy take over my life at different times?  It’s almost like an addiction.

Lindsey

Anita,

I believe your theory is right with some additions.

I think the key to getting involved in these types of relationships is somehow I am picking up mixed signals from the beginning. And I am pulled towards that behavior because of my mother.  I was pulled to “S” because of the attention he gave me in the beginning and how he was always complementing me, texting me good morning, sending love songs, etc. I loved the attention because I was loved deprived in my marriage.  When he pulled away I got anxiety-kind of like my mother pulling away?

Yes, my good friend says I pick men as projects.  I don’t know here.  I would keep going back to my mom, sometimes rejections, sometimes not.

Lindsey

Anita,

I can give a more clear picture of my ex husband.  I think you may understand more. What are some of your questions?

I think he is might be more of my issue than my mother.  Or at least 50%.  It was very bad with him.  When I close my eyes, things that happened are blurry unless I think of a very specific thing.  It’s weird because if you were to say a word I would remember an incident.

Lindsey

Anita,

So my husband’s girlfriend “A” is very…intense and strict with the children.  I have become friends with her ex-husband’s wife.  A little complicated I know.  The wife has had really bad interactions with “A.”  There is some deep seated insecurities.  My ex and she seem very much alike.  I do not agree with how she treats my daughter.  However, my kids both want to be there in the home.  So for now I have to be ok with it because I really don’t have a choice.  It is impossible to discuss with my ex her behavior-not surprising.

So I’m trying to remember the sexual issues with my ex as I write.  I remember from the very beginning of the relationship not enjoying sex with him.  I was not attracted to him.  Why did I  marry him then?  I’m not sure.  I can say part of the reason was I was taking an anti-depressant called Lexapro at the time.  It caused me to be very tired all the time and foggy headed. Also getting married was easy and I found that he would never leave me based on his behavior.  I didn’t have to work and I just did part time employment at animal shelters. Of course the sexual issue were ok until we had my daughter and he became abusive.  The sex continued to be a chore throughout our marriage.  He was very unhappy with the issue.  Over time as the abuse continued and we went to counseling we have a scheduled night to have sex.  there was no connection or enjoyment for me.  Over time he would yell at me during or before sex because he could tell I did not enjoy it.  Before kids there was an attempt at communication as to what I liked during sex and I tried to show him.  It neve really worked as I got the impression he really was not interested in me enjoying  sex, more the amount we had it.  Thinking back I’m not sure he enjoyed it which is odd. It was almost like he pressed the issue so that he could control the situation? By the last 2 or 3 years, I started having sex with him because for 2 or 3 days after he was pleasant and did not verbally abuse me.  Afterwards I would go in the bathroom and cry.  I felt that I would turn off my brain during sex and that I was being used.  It was extremely unpleasant for me during sex.  It’s honestly hard to describe the feeling.  To an extent I felt used?  Then it got to a point where I refused to have sex because there was no respite in his behavior for 2-3 days like before.

I believe he may have cheated. During my pregnancy with my son I did not have sex with him because of the hormones due to my pregnancy made everything very painful down there.

Lindsey