Am i incapable of being in a relationship?

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Inky.

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March 19, 2018 at 8:23 am #198095

Care
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I’m 18 and i’ve never been in a relationship. I’m an straight A student, my body is beautiful and I love myself, I have never attended to parties, I don’t drink and I don’t smoke, I sing, dance, play instruments and I gget along with everyone.

I don’t mean to sound desperate or ashamed because I have really enjoyed my life and just never needed to add someone to the equation but recently my confidence has been going through a rough spot.

Everyone tells me how great I am, how smart pretty and how they admire me from a safe distance. They tell me that even if someone wanted to be with me they would be rejected so out of fear they abstain of declaring their feelings for me but truth is that I had never rejected anyone and no one has ever asked me out so yeah I get that “fear of rejection” excuse but I also can’t help but wonder, is it because i’m just not enough for them to be brave?

This may be interpreted as vanity or ego but it led me to some serious questions.

So I decided to take control, I told a really nice guy I liked him and his answer was (to sum it up) I love you but i’m not in love with you, I admire you and I think about you so much but it’s a platonic love just like loving the way stars shine. So now, this tiny feeling grew overnight and mixed up with a past experience of a guy choosing a girl that cheated on him several times and just using me as a supposed friend (despite knowing how I felt) because he felt lonely and had no respect for himself sent me down on a dark road.

Am I the problem? Have I started doubting myself and feeling needy?

I’d love to read your opinion/interpretation and feel free to ask further questions.

March 19, 2018 at 10:27 am #198121

Ryan
Participant

Andrea,

Yes, is the simplest answer to your question, but YOU have to believe it. Success in life is all about showing up, and the way you do that when it comes to relationships is just be YOU, dont ever change to attract a mate. Remember the word ENOUGH. Tell yourself each morning you are ENOUGH, and that you’ve had ENOUGH of letting the lack of a relationship define your happiness. Love is a strange and mysterious beast you will find it, and sometimes you will lose it, only to find it again just dont lose it with yourself. From your description about yourself you are an amazing young woman and trust me men (and I do mean men, boys dont learn a womans true worth into well into their 20s) will see you for your true brilliance if you allow it to shine. Dont seek love, it will eventually come to you.

Practice self love, respect yourself, and allow yourself to be open to let your energy and brilliance eminate for the all the world to see. Until you build your own strong foundations, which you have already accomplished so much, then relationships will not have the same lasting meaning. Relationships are meant to be an addition, a piece of our lives, but we should never let them define it.

Best of luck, you are ENOUGH, and continue to be awesome. Just be the best you you can be, and love will find its way Im confidant.

Caveat: I certainly dont claim to have all the answers, and I’ve struggled with the same.

Ryan

March 19, 2018 at 11:19 am #198145

Anonymous
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Dear Andrea Carolina:

You wrote: “They tell me that even if someone wanted to be with me they would be rejected so out of fear” they don’t ask you out, that reads to me what people say to make the listener feel better. A suggestion of what will be convenient to think, not what is true. And as you experienced already, you suspect that indeed this is not true. Your experience does not support this … nice thought.

It is difficult for us to see ourselves from the outside, other than looking in the mirror or in a video. How do we come across to others? I have seen young women who are pretty… after all, I was one, who are not asked out because they don’t look men/ people in the eyes, avoiding eye contact. It can be a poor body posture that communicates lack of confidence, body language that communicates fear.

The information you need is available. If you ask people, they may tell you. Not what is nice to think, but their true thoughts. Ask in such a way that will encourage them to tell you their true perception, what they believe is true.

I hope you post again.

anita

March 19, 2018 at 11:37 am #198147

Mark
Participant

Andrea Carolina,

I can only speculate about the “why” you are not being asked out. My guess is that guys your age are intimidated by your beauty, intelligence and confidence.

There is that wanting to feel in control or superior aspect of guys who rather be in the dominant position for relationships (and in life in general).

You will attract your equal.

Plus, you may be in a culture that is more of a male dominant focused one where it may be harder socially for strong women like yourself to be desired as a romantic mate.

Mark

March 20, 2018 at 4:27 am #198279

Inky
Participant

Hi Andrea Carolina,

You are 18, but are you still in HS or are you a young Freshman in College? If you are still in HS, the problem may be that these boys have known you forever and view you as their sister. If you are in College, you should feel lucky that the Sophomore guys haven’t approached you yet! Even so, you may have that sweet caring older/younger sister energy about you.

I think the thing to do is to be open to older guys. Unless you want to wait around for your crowd to grow up.

Best,

Inky
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