Dear mandy:

Reads to me that you are indeed “nervous for no reason”- of course it is not a good thing that he lied about that fact that he was living in the same home as his ex wife when he started dating you, but if they don’t anymore, and his ex wife knows about you, and if he doesn’t have a pattern of lying, maybe that one lie can be forgive… I suppose he was under great stress starting to date, liked you very much and didn’t want to spoil the opportunity.

Most men, especially private, quiet men do not like those serious conversations with their girlfriend/ wife about feelings, and have learned to dread those. It could be a reason for him initiating less. Probably a good idea to talk in a different way, more pragmatic, less feeling- focused.

Reads like he had a difficult life/ unhappy marriage and that he appreciates the relationship with you as something different and way better than what he had before.

anita

He will not add me to facebook as a friend because then his ex , friends and family will know who i am and snoop me. He doesnt want the drama that goes along with it he said.

See, this sounds odd to me, and I can see why it raised red flags for you. It’s one thing if he doesn’t want the “in a relationship” thing with your name connected to it because that would single you out to everyone, but he won’t even add you as a friend? If everyone knows your name and they want to snoop on you, chances are they already have. You don’t have to have a friend connection to find someone on Facebook. All you really need to know is their first name and then the autofill does the rest, starting with names closest by location. They don’t even need to know your last name if they know what you look like…. so I think that would raise a red flag for me too that he doesn’t even want you added as a friend, but who knows. I don’t know him at all and you do, so I would say just use your best judgement on that one based on what you know if him… but his feelings are sounding a little one-sided, and at some point soon, I hope he starts taking your feelings into consideration rather than just trying to avoid drama with an ex all the time… he’s divorced now and shares kids and that isn’t easy, so he’s likely going to have to learn to handle the drama and won’t always be able to just avoid it.

we have had that talk and he wants to respect her and her choices. she cried and said its broken her heart to hear from her girls how nice i was and how i played with them. so she needs more time to adjust to him dating. Then he said last night she is starting to date. Ive said all i can about the issue , he doesnt want her drama so hes agreed and asked me to respect his decision.

It IS nice that he is wanting to respect her wishes, and that will keep smooth sailing in their co-parenting relationship. Hopefully as she starts dating, she gets to a point where she also wants to introduce a significant other to the kids and then manages her expectations with her ex-husband.

Did he decide to leave her or was it mutual? If he left her, I can see where her feelings are coming from with him dating someone new and the kids being around another motherly figure and also wanting to avoid the social media drama so as not to rub salt in the wound, but I still think it’s odd he can’t even add you as a friend.

Yeah, I don’t understand the hiding thing either. When you add someone as a friend on Facebook, it’s not like it alerts everyone that you just added someone, although it does show up for a bit sometimes when you hover over someone’s name as “____ added so and so,”  so maybe that’s what he’s concerned about… and if he only has a few friends and doesn’t ever add people and someone is paying close attention to his account, then it would probably be obvious if he added you (unless he accepted a bunch of other requests at the same time), but I don’t really understand why he’s so worried about them checking you out if you aren’t even worried about them doing it. I guess if he doesn’t use it, it’s a nonissue, but why not just deactivate the account then? That’d solve the problem all the way around. You don’t have to have a FB page to use Messenger now. It’s a separate app as long as you have a cell phone number.

Also, if his ex-wife told him that a year ago, it seems like she would have had plenty of time to get used to the idea of him dating someone else, and you’ve also been dating for 5 months already and that’s plenty of time to get used to it.  As a mom, I get how hard it is to let go and be okay with someone new having influence on your kids, but it’s something you HAVE to do as a co-parent. Otherwise, it ends up being more about having control.  If you’re okay with it for the time being, I’d just let it go for a while and see if she changes her mind as she dates more, but please be aware that if he gets into the habit of just giving her whatever she asks for just to avoid drama, that’s going to be a huge issue for you guys later on and it really does create a lack of boundaries with her and tension for the two of you. At some point, it will start to feel like your feelings and needs always come second… but being that you are still in a somewhat new relationship, I wouldn’t worry about it too much at the moment because he might just be trying to learn how to navigate the waters and it may naturally get better and easier with time.

Yeah, it almost sounds like he should be on his own until he gets things figured out, because it’s an awful lot for a significant other to have to deal with, and it can be damaging to the relationship long-term, especially if there’s no real time frame for how long this is going to go on, because what if it takes years?

If you do decide that your relationship with him is worth it, I would set a time frame for yourself for things to change. I don’t think this is something you have to discuss with him if you don’t want because it would probably add pressure to an already delicate situation for him, but it would just be something for yourself and your own boundaries… set it for however long you feel comfortable waiting for things to settle, and if things are still the same after that amount of time, I would move on.  I’m afraid that him allowing her now to control things is setting a precedent in the co-parenting relationship that will be very hard for him to break later on.  I am speaking from experience here. haha. If you are not assertive right away, it tends to blow up in your face when you finally decide to be assertive. Those who feel they have the control do not like to lose any of that control and will do anything to keep it. So saving himself from drama now may just be creating a ton of drama later on. Time will tell.

Hi Mandy,

I’m not really sure what your problem is here.

Firstly, you have met someone with whom you can talk, you go places together, cuddle, have trips and generally have a lot in common.  This is wonderful.  Focus on these positives.  There are no guarantees with relationships – it may not be forever but surely there is enough here for you to enjoy in the moment.

You have no control over his ex-wife.  She holds all the cards with regard to the children and how much power she wishes to exert.  I think you are probably going to need lots of patience and understanding on this front and you may need to accept your place in this whole scenario.  There can be no winners in this situation and only you can decide whether it is worth taking part.

Just because he hasn’t added you to social media, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you.  I think you are giving this too much importance especially as you say he is a private person.  All he needs is to share some of his time with you.  If the amount of time he is or isn’t spending with you is becoming a problem, then you may need to consider your options.

I agree with Mark that it takes time to come to terms with the end of a marriage.  However, you are already in this relationship. I would say that 5 months is a relatively short amount of time to be with someone and perhaps you should hold off making too many plans.  If you can, carry on dating and enjoy his company for a few hours a week knowing that it may not last forever.  If you look for red flags, you will find them.

Peggy