Anita, thank you for always replying to me.

To your question: Yes, that would be nice. I’m dreaming about the day when it would be just like you described. Thinking about moving out gave me a reason to hope for the future.

Oh gosh, I had a dream today that I was looking for a new flat, and it was very quiet area. So new, so weird but nice. I think I’m very excited about this plan. I talked to couple of friends about it and they definitely say it’s the best idea. But I would never start planning this if it wasn’t for you.

My biggest dream is to longer want him in my life. Honestly I don’t think that would ever be possible.  I can’t see myself in the future not wanting him. I feel that, and it’s a fact, that nothing works.

I know this wouldn’t be a beginning of anything good, meeting him. Just a continuation of what’s already been happening.   Thank you for reminding me what’s obvious, I need those reminders.

I think deep inside I’m afraid to let him go, I don’t want my life without him because I think it will be pointless. So I feed this feeling every second so that it won’t fade. Do you know what I mean?

Dear Anita

When I start meditating I try to observe my thoughts. Most of them are being trapped in this life, this flat here, and thoughts about him. I try to observe them, and let them pass, but I keep holding on to them because I’m afraid that if I let them go, I will have no control of them. I need to look at them, and control them, make sure that they exist. When we were dating I woke every morning and my first thought was: ‘Are we okay. Is he not angry with me, or is he not gone.’ I still do that, except now it’s mostly negative. I can’t explain this. I’m afraid when I have no control of those thoughts and let myself to let them go, he will disappear from my head, and I’m scared of it, because he’s the hope.

Yes, I always thought of my dad as my rescue. If only he was there, he could support me through everything I’ve been through when I was a child and she was bullying me, when her partner was mocking me. My dad wouldn’t allow this, if only he knew. He could laugh at things and tell me it’s all good. But he’s not there so I have no one.

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Anita, thank you for feeling this way and caring. Yes I think he is not a good person doing this to me, not a good person in general. I don’t quite understand why he is doing this.  I’ll try to give myself a break, a month without contacting him or replying to him, because talking to him has bad impact. I marked his messages as ‘ignore’ and I’m telling myself if I can’t end this, I’ll at least try to give myself time. I’ll try to let go of these thoughts a bit and postpone them, allow myself to distance a bit. Obsessing thoughts are my worst problem, I need to try to control them. Do you think that would be possible.  If I promise this here, it will help.

I know my dad wouldn’t care. If he was alive right now he wouldn’t care about my current problems. I have no reason to assume he would. I would be alone after all. I always thought, if only he was alive right now, I could live with him, he would help me. But last time I saw him he was 40 year old man with no job, drinking every day, careless, with grandpa looking for him at his friend’s house, telling him to come home because I arrived. I had to wait because he wasn’t at home. Would that person be enough support for me, and tell me: why don’t I buy you an apartment, or I renovate you your room here to help you? No, he wouldn’t. I’m dreaming he would be excited to help me, but I never saw him being excited about me living there or doing anything for me. Also I never saw him doing anything for me. No evidence or memory about that. I have friends who have fathers buying them first cars, supporting them when doing driving licence, helping with renovations, fixing things. Why I don’t have all this. Its not fair I have to be alone all my life with my parents either bullying me or ignoring me. Anita, I know this is reality. I know I am alone, my father didn’t love me and didn’t care about me, and my mother has mental issues and has been abusing me. But it’s not fair, how can I accept it. This is not how a reality should look like. Why do I have to accept a worse reality than other people, when most of people I know have parents who not only love them and care for them but even when they’re adults they can count on them.

I need to go for  a walk, and ignore the fact that my mother’s boyfriend is being rude to me even at Easter, at my own, let’s say, home. I want to ignore this and not waste even a second thinking about this from now.  I’m thinking of the time when I will leave this hostile place. I’m dreaming of leaving this hostile world and wondering if there is something else for me.

Anita, I am very excited about moving out. Seems like it may be a real plan. I always dreamed about this, but not in this life, not in this world, in my dreams only. I would never really dare to plan this if it wasn’t for you. So thank you for that. Whatever happens I will not change my mind.

Dear Anita

Thank you. I recently re-read your posts from this thread. My own, and yours. I see what has changed, what has not. I remember what you always tell me, that the distress will be back, and to expect it. In last days I feel anxiety is coming back. I’m not sure what is the reason. I noticed I gained some weight and I got scared. Yesterday I felt it’s the way it was during and after summer, when I started posting here, when I was having the worst panic attacks in my life. I tried to shift my focus to something else, I knew all the things you told me, and everything I read and was told, but I didn’t know what to do, I just tried to not think and shift my focus, also to explain to myself that nothing is happening and it’s just anxiety, it looks for something to attach to. Today during the walk home I felt fear that it’s coming back again. I feel like it’s coming back and I’m afraid. I know logically nothing is happening but I’m so afraid. Why is this happening to me. I feel like I’m one step away. I’m trying to distract myself and meditate but it feels desperate and I know it shouldn’t. I feel those thoughts come to me and they keep poking me, and shouting at me, and I’m trying to resist but I know I won’t survive it again, it was the worst that happened to me, those panic attacks. I’m so afraid of them now.