Dear joanna:

To break free from the hope that one day my mother will love me, that one day she will be pleased with who I am, pleased  that I am in her life… it took me removing myself from her life, that is, ending all contact with her. It was very difficult for me to do but I did it. I had my last phone conversation with her early in 2013, sent a message to her through my sister in Jan 2014, and that is all, nothing else since or ever will be.

It took that and my first quality psychotherapy 2011-2013. And then, my continuing healing since.

For a child it is impossible to accept that your parent, your caretaker, doesn’t like you, is not happy with you in her life, displeased. Biologically speaking, for a young animal dependent on a parent’s physical care, such dislike and displeasure by the mother means the mother will abandon the young one leading to the young one dying, without food and protection.

So a child does not accept this displeasure, disapproval, and will do anything to change it. When we grow up, we don’t grow out of that motivation, even though we are no longer physically dependent on the parent, for food and protection.

And then, this motivation expands to others, people of no consequence to us as far as our mere survival. We keep hoping as if our survival depended on that person’s love for us, a love that if ended feels like death.

anita

Dear joanna:

You are welcome. It is inconvenient and distressing to think what is true, but the more our thinking is congruent with the truth, with reality, that is, the better our mental health. At first realizing this or that is distressing and we close our eyes to it, but long term we suffer when we don’t see reality for what it is.

Why do I help people you asked. Well, I think that I help very little. Most often I don’t help at all. For the same reason in my first three lines above, what you have mentioned as well in your recent post, if I understood you correctly: suggesting what is true to reality is inconvenient and distressing. There is no way for me to reach out to anyone’s brain and calm down that anxiety, that distress… and so, I am of no help or of very little help, overall.

Which brings me to your question, why do I try to help people- because I am trying to help myself. Communicating with people make it possible for me to see more and more of reality, of what life really is, of what is really happening. The more I see of reality, the better my mental health.

Not only can I not reach into another’s brain and calm that anxiety, I cannot reach my own and do that. It takes a whole lot of time, and practice, incredible amount of patience and learning to do that, to calm that anxiety long term.

I don’t think I have enough life in front of me to eliminate my anxiety, or to minimize it to the absolute minimum possible for a human being, but healing has been and is taking place as I type these words. Little by little … by little.

Thank you for your appreciation. Post anytime. I like replying to you.

anita

Dear joanna:

This is Thursday, and by the time you read this, the meeting with him may  be over? Do  let me know what happened or is happening.

You shared on the previous page of your thread the following about your mother: “She was angry… and took it out on me, yelled at me”- this is what happened to me too. My mother yelled at me too, judged me too, took out her anger at me, used me like a tool. Your mother did these things to you as well, you shared that.

What happens to a little girl being yelled at by her mother, is the following: the young girl is not a separate, individual mental entity. She and her mother are one mental entity in the girl’s brain. The yelling of the mother become a yelling voice in the girl’s brain, a voice that keeps yelling without the actual mother being there.

If your mother was gentle with you, you would have had a gentle voice in your brain.

Just as you were anxious when your mother yelled at you, you are anxious when her voice keeps yelling at you. I wrote her voice- the voice originated with her voice, born in your brain as a direct result of her yelling at you. And now, this voice is independent of her. It is this voice that keeps scaring you. To heal from your anxiety, you have to mute that voice, through a process of healing, over time.

Regarding this man, you wrote that you “wanted so much to not hope for this”- I understand. But we hope anyway. We hope because we need that strength you mentioned in your recent post, to keep you going.

What is my strength, what keeps me going? At this point, curiosity, the desire to learn. I want to see more of what is real. The more I see, the better I feel, little by little by little. The progress is so gradual and so non-linear (some ups and downs, zig zag like), that it is hard to notice and easy to get lost in those downward little lines of … feeling not so good.

This man, hope is not with him, that is reality as I see it. Hope is in muting the yelling in your brain. This man is of no real consequence in your life, isn’t  that an amazing thought? That the man you are so consumed by, so hopeful about, believing somehow that he is so important in your  life, is not at all important.

No matter who a man is in your life, he cannot shut down the yelling.

I hope you keep posting here.

anita

Hi Joanna,

I have been reading your posts, and I hope you don’t mind if I jump in for a moment. Then I will leave you alone. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder as well as Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder and severe anxiety disorder. I too used to self-harm. I also, for several years had such terrible, debilitating panic attacks, I would wake up every morning on the dot at either 2am or 4am sweating and thinking my heart would pound out of my chest. Or I would be driving too work, and start to hyperventilate, get neauseas and turn around and have to go home. I lost many, many jobs.

This is a disorder that can’t be willed away. No amount of meditation will help, it can’t be “snapped out of”. I had to have five to 10 years of DBT therapy, CBT therapy and Schema therapy. Sometimes this therapy would be done inpatient because of trips to ER for self-harm. It does not go away. I was out on Topamax for emotion regulation, Klonopin 2mg in morning, 2mg at Bedtime for Panic and anxiety disorder, Wellbutrin 300 for motivation just to get out of bed. Remeron 45mg when I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation in 2005, which I still take, it brought me out of the deepest, darkest depression I ever had. I also take Busphar, for racing and intrusive thoughts. I was in intensive Psychotherapy. They will put you on the right medication that will work for you and put you on a treatment plan that will work for you. For people that self harm, DBT therapy and Schema therapy is often used with medication..you will feel better, not “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, religion, meditation, you tube videos and so on, but real professional help and medication. I have been there and still attend therapy sessions and 12 step support programs. 1 out of 5 people have mental illness. Some never ask for help. It is not who you are, it is part of you. It is curable, but only with a treatment program, with a qualified trained therapist. You will get better. It is not a character weakness to be on medication and therapy. You will feel so much better. Have a great weekend. x