I feel so terrible, and hopeless and sad. I will never release myself from this, never. I can’t imagine my life without him now. There was a moment I thought he would come back. I can’t live with this, I don’t know what to do, it’s too much for a couple of days.

Dear Peter,

Thank you for that, I found that very useful and new. I understand when hope is not good, and that sometimes it keep us from seeing the reality. But what does the “believing” mean? Just acting? When can I say I believe instead of I hope? I kind of not understand this second part.

Dear Anita

What does it mean “but it  will take a long time in such a relationship for that comfort to sink in.” Is that good or bad? Okay, I will TRY to not hate myself for the feelings I have. More try to understand them and accept them. I need someone to just make me feel safe and take care of me as it was a magical feeling making my whole life better, without even changing anything in my life. I just need this little small feeling and I’ll be fine. Funny when I think of it.

I try to not fight this feelings I have for this man. I know he’s like my father whom I missed through all my life. I don’t hate my father or  judge him, I know he’s been raised in a tough way, he was way too young when they got married. I’m not just saying this, it took me years but now I understand him and I know he was a good person and loved me but life was tough for him. When my parents divorced and I visited him I had this feeling that all the issues I had back at home, they didn’t matter since I was at my dad’s. He didn’t do anything, everything just disappeared and it was okay. Even if it wasn’t but he made me feel safe because I was there.

Funny how we perceive problems, it doesn’t matter how big they are if we have someone to rely on. Seemed like the problems aren’t really the problem, but the feeling of being safe and taken care of. When I was back at my mom’s and her partner I would cry because no one at school liked me. At my dad’s house those didn’t exist, I lived in a fairytale for a week or two. But that’s a very old memory.

I know this man, my ex-not-boyfriend reminds me of him in many many ways. Even when we talked on Thursday and I told him about my problems with moving out he kind of calmed me down, explained some things. after talking to him I often have a feeling it’s gonna be okay, even if it’s not, just calms me and I feel better. He often says the right things, of course in the matter of things other than our relationship. I know it’s mostly my idea of him, that I want him to have those features, maybe he has some but I mostly want him to be like that because I miss this feeling. So when I noticed there was something I could use to make him stay, I did this, and in return for making me feel safe (or fooling myself ) I allowed him to hurt me as well.

I know this all looks like I’m still going in circles. One step forward, fighting my panic attacks, now two steps back, thinking about an affair with him. I promised I’ll be honest here so I am. I’m not thinking in a way of “planning” it or wanting, regardless of what impression you may have I understand more now, all the things we talk here and all you tell me I use it to open my eyes. He told me he does not love her, maybe in some way, but in general he never thought he loved anyone in his whole life. That made me think it’s not me who is unlovable, I’ve just chosen a man who can’t even love his own girlfriend, and I set a goal for myself to make him love me, as a challenge for myself. I once read something called “it’s easier to let go of a human than a hero” with which I agree now. We’re both damaged people, probably. I’m STARTING to see him differently. Like it’s not all my fault, because there’s something not right with him if he would cheat on her and does not love her. I must say I would never expect this in a million years and lost some respect for him, although of course it made me feel better in a way, as those weren’t hurtful words from him for a change. Anyway, I’m a bit afraid of what will happen, as I know I should have cancelled that meeting then and I couldn’t. I see he’s very straight forward when talking to me. Also I do not understand this whole situation, it’s not completely logical, why is he talking like that now, is it about sex only, which also hard to believe since he lives with a girlfriend, why would he need me for a sex, whats the point of that. Is he really that damaged and fucked up. I always thought it’s only me who was.  Anyway I have this hope and I’m thinking a lot unfortunately, but I also have fear since I see more and care a bit more about my well being. Not having panic attacks is my priority now, which earlier I did not ever care about.

Dear Anita,

I haven’t responded in a few days but I’ve been reading this post repeatedly. Thank you very much for this. When I try to think about this in a logical way, not automatic way as I’m learned to, it makes very big sense. It’s the feeling I probably never had, or had for a very short period of time and I connect this with my father because after divorce my life became worse – which is very twisted because they divorced because of my father’s drinking problem, so that I would have a “normal and calm life”, turned out my mother’s and her partner’s behavior towards me, their being aggressive (not physically), her silent treatments and criticizing me, his constant bullying, one day after another, started my self harming problems. The year we moved out, exactly. Exactly the moment my father disappeared  I started picking on my face, as I was 12 years old to this moment when I finally realized I’m doing this in may last year. Sometimes it stopped for year, two or three and it returned when I met this man. Now I try to do this consciously, when I do. It’s easier to stop then. I cant say it’s fully under my control but I can say it’s not automatic like before and I’m not hurting myself in a serious way like I did sometimes, it’s like 10% of what I used to do in the past.  Also thanks to you here.