Hi Ella,

Is there anyway, the nights your boyfriend goes out, that you can make plans to have a “girls night out” with your friends? That way you won’t be sitting home alone worrying and wondering about your boyfriend, because you will be too busy having a good time yourself. It doesn’t have to be a bar or anything, maybe a shopping trip, out to eat, an art museum, an observatory, a play, comedy club, movie, etc. Let him worry about you for a change, and if he texts you..let him worry..don’t text him back for a few hours. Let him know you won’t stand for his disrespectful ways.

Does he go out every night with his friends or more than three times this week, if so, I would try to set boundaries with him. Either he wants to “party” or he wants to be in a committed relationship. Also why can’t he ask you out sometimes? I know when I would go out with my girlfriends, I would invite my boyfriend out and show him off. Why not? Why is he hiding you? Talk to him, set clear boundaries, tell him your concerns which are very valid. He probably doesn’t know it bothers you unless you tell him. He should take you out, not his friends all the time.

Hi Inky,

Can you tell me more about these blankets, I too suffer from anxiety and think they could help. Do I get them online or from a store? Sorry to bother you. Have a wonderful Sunday. x

I believe they are called Weighted Blankets. I would Google them. I’m hearing about them more and more on infomercials and in online ads.

Glad you found it!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Hi Ella,

Thank you for providing me with some more insight. My thoughts are that sometimes people (especially women) tend to “lose” themselves in their boyfriends. They sort of forget the individual person that made them special and unique before they met their boyfriend and you are a special and a unique and lovely person. I see it in your writing, your boyfriend sees it, but only you have to see it, and it begins with becoming independent from your boyfriend, and learning to love yourself.

Remember that he does not “complete ” you. You were already a complete person before you met him. There is no one on this earth like you. What happens, is as women, we tend to put our boyfriends and relationship on a pedestal and I realize it and romanticize it. Then we lose who we are and we live through our significant others.

Become your own person and start doing things outside your boyfriend. If you love animals, volunteer at an animal shelter or animal shelter/SPCA, volunteer at a soup kitchen. Helping others activates our endorphins, and makes us feel good about ourselves by helping people and animals. Join a book club, a craft club at your local YMCA, a Zumba, yoga or Aerobics class. That does wonders for our self esteem, because we are doing wonderful things for our bodies which lift our mood. Take some classes at your local college or tech center. Volunteer at a Hospital and read or play a game with a lonely senior. Do bible study. So many things and passions you can do, and you will have so much fun, you will get out of your head (sometimes as women we get in our own heads too much and anxiety and insecurity, jealousy set in). You will soon see a brand new person, full of life, self esteem..you will have less time wondering and worrying yourself miserable about your boyfriend.

Dear ella:

It is very difficult to live believing that you are a bad person. When you feel jealous- you feel you are a bad person for feeling jealous. When you feel angry- you feel that you are a bad person for feeling angry. When something goes wrong- you think it was your fault. Is it so, for you?

This core belief: I-am-a-bad-person is not a feature of OCD: there are people without OCD have this core belief. For your mental well-being, this core belief needs to be replaced by a core belief that is true to reality. Not an easy thing to do, but possible, over time, with work and with help.

anita