Dear Eric:

You thought that you and her “could find our happiness by being together…  that she’ll rely on me as her escape from her aunt to achieve happiness“, so you invested so much time during (and after) your uni days on trying to impress her and get her attention so that the two of you will be happy together, but all of that investment was a waste because from her Instagram stories, it looks like she found happiness without you and that she is having fun at uni while you missed the opportunity to have fun in your uni days, and now you are stuck at home with your boring, “lonely family”.

You’ve been feeling lots of regret and anger at yourself for having missed out on the opportunity to have fun while at uni, and for wasting your time and energy on this girl. You blame her for misleading you but you understand that she was not the only reason for you missing out on the uni opportunity. Other reasons: “my lack of social skills, insecurities of my body and my social anxiety“.

You feel lots of bitterness and envy regarding “other people seem to have better lives“, including her. You are quite focused on her Instagram stories and selfies, suspecting that she is trying to attract other boys (not you) even though she told you in the past that she was not interested in a relationship. You blame yourself for not having done a good job in the past when trying to positively impress her on social media, and you feel like posting about yourself being in a relationship just so to show her that you are happy. The last sentence in your recent 2nd post: “I can’t post regarding my appearance like that, to rival hers,  because I’m a guy and it’s not that I have an appealing appearance“.

My thoughts and imaginings today- if I could, I would close my eyes and make these things happen: (1) I would make Eric as tall and as handsome as he wants to be, (2) I would roll back time so that Eric is 17 or so, just about to enter uni… no, I would roll back the time to when Eric as a baby: I would make sure that no one force-feeds him. I would make sure that Eric’s family is as big and as loving as he wants it to be, that little Eric has friends and is happy… no loneliness for Eric, no feeling less-than others for Eric, no pain for Eric.

And when Eric is 19, or 20, I will see to it that he falls in love with a girl who falls in love with him… and they live happily ever after.

All this happened in my imagination, but in reality, I can’t change my own appearance or roll the time back on my life, and I can’t do any of these things for you either.

So, what’s next, what is it that can be done?

You tell me, Eric: please tell me, what can be done to make your life better?

anita

Dear Eric:

“There is nothing I can do to get that life… that kind of appearance…  a really big and loving family“- in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl wrote about his life as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War 2. The conditions there were terrible: people dying every day from hunger, hard labor, and from violence.

He wrote: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves“. What he meant by it, is that he wasn’t able to change any of the conditions of his life: nothing he could do to escape the concentration camps, nothing he could do to be able to eat when he was hungry, or rest when he was tired… the only thing he could do was to change his ATTITUDE: the way he thinks about himself, about others and about his life.

He also wrote: “It is not freedom from conditions, but it is freedom to take a stand toward the conditions“- again, it is about ATTITUDE:  a freedom that a person has to think differently than before.

Back to you: “The only thing that I can do now is live my life as best as I can“- to live your life best you can is to have a different, better ATTITUDE; a different, better STAND TOWARD THE CONDITIONS of your life.

“But it’s such a struggle… circumstances keep giving me struggles, like my friend could suddenly posted a pic of us together and I look short there… I always felt that this world hates me…. I never asked to be born with eating issues, this appearance, etc.“- when seeing pics where you look short, your attitude has been to think that the world hates you, etc. And as a result of these thoughts, you felt very badly. Can you think of a different, better attitude; a better stand toward the condition of your short height?

“Even tall boys who have filthy personalities would underestimate me when we haven’t talk yet“- what is your attitude about it, what is your stand toward this condition of being underestimated because of your looks?

“I keep protecting myself from going to certain events because I could look short there. I didn’t chase girls in my uni days because of my insecurity“- again, can you think of a different attitude, a different behavioral stand toward the condition of your looks in the context of chasing girls?

“I tried to do what most people do when they broke up, show their ex that they are better….“- how about an attitude that is different from most people’s?

“It’s really hard to live a life calmly, like there is always something that I did wrong every day“- the other day I did something wrong: I placed extra weight on a drawer in the refrigerator and as a result, the drawer broke. I felt badly!

When such things happened in the far past, I felt badly for a long, long time, thinking and overthinking.. . basically my ATTITUDE was that I was a bad or neglectful person for having made this or that mistake. But the other day, I asked myself:  did I break the drawer on purpose? Answer: No. I felt better because it meant that I didn’t break the drawer because I was a bad person.

Next I asked myself: did I know that placing too much weight on a drawer can break it? Answer: No, I never thought about it, it never occurred to me. I felt better because it  meant that I didn’t break the drawer because I was negligent. Next, I made a mental note for myself: now that I know that extra weight can break a drawer, I will remember it and be careful in the future when I handle drawers in the refrigerator. After all of that, I felt fine! My NEW ATTITUDE (asking myself these two questions and making that mental note for myself) stopped my overthinking and bad feelings and felt as good as I felt before I broke the drawer.

How can you change your ATTITUDE about MAKING MISTAKES?

“Deep inside I experience internal pain every day. I can still force myself to live my life every day, I just have to bear the pain inside me“- with a different, better ATTITUDE, you will have way LESS OR NO PAIN!

“I always felt that this world hates me…. I never asked to be born with eating issues, this appearance, etc… Nothing will come from dwelling my appearance, regrets, etc. I knew about that. It’s just that I like dwelling on how unfair my situation is right now“- your attitude of thinking and overthinking about how unfair the world is to you is keeping you stuck in pain and nothing good comes of it.

“The only good thing is that from every overthinking, I always gain new life advices,  like I got some awakening in me. But the pain I felt inside is sometimes too unbearable“- no, nothing good comes from overthinking and the pain that you are describing. I know the pain that you shared about for so long in your various threads, I felt it too and I assure you, there is nothing good about this kind of pain. Life wisdom and awakening happen when there is hope that pain will lessen and be no more, and… a different, better attitude will make it happen!

“I need to camouflage my weaknesses every day, I guess it’s isn’t possible“- a different, better attitude will be your strength. It will be difficult to form but it is possible.

anita

One more thing, Eric: I am still proud of you!

anita

Dear Eric:

I understand your frustration. I didn’t share with you about my past experience with this kind of frustration, but there was plenty of it. I know how it feels to want something very much… and at the same time, to walk away from it.  In your case, you want a relationship with a girl, but on the other hand, like it happened in the mall, you are too afraid to be negatively judged by a good looking girl… so, you walked away.

You didn’t walk away because you are stupid; you walked away because you are afraid. Then you got angry with yourself, as if walking away from the girl was a stupid mistake that you should be punished for. But NO, it was not a stupid mistake: it was fear. Fear does not respond well to punishment. It responds well to empathy and understanding.

The more you punish yourself for being afraid, the more afraid you will be. Oh how I wish you will be empathetic and understanding with yourself, particularly when you are afraid!

anita