January 7, 2018 at 1:44 pm #185499
It was if I met the man of my dreams smouldering handsome, tall, built and could seriously move on the dance floor. Being a niece girl from a small town ended up always wanted to go out on the town and within 3 days of moving into a new city I did just that. Was invited to o a cultural dance party and locked eyes locked with a man that I later fell madly in love with. That night felt as if it was a tribal dance, flirting with my hips, talking expressively with our bodies and attracted to his scent. after hours of hypnotically being entranced in dance he asked me my name and my number. I told him I was new and his face lit up determined to show me the beauty of his amazing city. we started off friends when I learned he was 4 years younger and had moved here from India 10 years ago. Although of Indian decent myself I was born and raised in Canada. My friend told me don’t trust those men they always leave girls for an arranged marriage with a girl back home. Thinking I was from the exact same culture it wouldn’t be an issue and I ignored my parents my friends and decided to follow my heart. We fell madly passionately in love. My favourite place was by the ocean and being wrapped in his arms while watching the sunset. He was by far a better cook than me and always full of surprises he kept me on my toes and I never got bored. He loved to talk about spirituality and he would participate in events I held. He was my biggest supporter and would always encourage me to go outside my comfort zone and go after my dreams and with that I was able to build a life in the new city. After a few years I had hoped he would introduced me to his family but at the time they lived in India. When they did come down 3 years into our relationship he started to change. He started seeing me less and more attentive Otto his family. I was understanding at first but when I would talk about the future he would say I can’t promise u anything. He doesn’t know what future holds and whisper live for the moment. Ekert tolls says “live in the now” so I convinced myself to do the same.
I thought if he fell really hard he would just naturally want to have a life together. Instead he ended up going to India for a trip and while there we would FaceTimefor all the time. He told me his parents wanted an arranged marriage for him. My heart broke. I got so Sick I ended up in the hospital. Felt the life get sucked out of me. I told him he had a choice and he promised me he wouldn’t go thru with it. Luckily he came back and didn’t. He said he made a sacrifice. I felt as if. Our love was more powerful and there was hope. When he got back I was scared to start a relationship again and demanded he introduced me to his family. He didn’t even months later so I broke it off. Having turned 40 my biological clock is ticking and 5 years into it felt I gave it my all.
He still would always call send me romantic poems and videos expressing his love a year later we got back together. He said his parents were old school and they wouldn’t accept a modern Canadian girl even if she was from the same culture. I tried to accept it and try meeting other people but they didn’t have the same spark and I always felt thinking and dreaming of him. My friends and family thought I was so niece. But no one made me feel the way he did. I felt he was my soul mate.
I tried to talk to him and share how I felt that we were so good together he agreed but he said his parents wanted him to get an arranged marriage. I asked if age was the issue as I wasn’t convinced. But he said he fell in love with my heart and I look beautiful and I’m ageless.
..I learned he is going to India next week and I’m heart broken he called and asked to meet me saying he had to do this but he doesn’t want to I told him he’s a grown man and he can and he dissidents it’s an obligation but wants to spent one more day together…I told him I can’t. I don’t find life so unfair. nothing makes sense anymore. He says we can still be friends and I said no. I told him I’m losing a part of me. He says he’s going thru the same thing yet I feel he will forget me by finding a younger wife. I feel sick again and trying to keep my strength up. My friends and family say I told u so. My head and heart are at war my head says forget him move on and my heart longs for him. Any gentle advise please advise I don’t know if things will get better but totally utterly shattered and heartbrokenJanuary 8, 2018 at 8:05 am #185593
Dear Divani girl:
Your story and the stories of many other women, in these very Forums, indicate to me how strong parents’ power is over their children, way into the children’s adulthood. In the Indian arranged marriage culture it is evident most acutely. Again and again, adult children will turn their back on their girlfriends/ boyfriends, and do as their parents want them to do.
Many find a … solution of sorts: do the arranged marriage and have a girlfriend on the side. Men and women do that.
When your (now… ex boyfriend?) was a child, all those years of his childhood, he was formed by his parents. I find the term Formative Years very accurate for childhood. His brain was formed with obedience to his parents in it. This obedience, or obligation as you called it, was formed way, way before he met you. He feels that he must do what they want him to do.
I hope you recover from this as I don’t see him refusing his parents. Didn’t come across a story here where that happened. And do post anytime, if it helps.
anitaJanuary 8, 2018 at 3:41 pm #185687
Things will be better. More than you think. I have 36 years, and few years ago, I was completely broken, that I could not get up from bed for days, I throw up for days and become even suicidal. I went for counseling and It helped me a lot to feel better.. I guess that it has to do something with excitement, physical addiction, feelings of pleasure and hormone functions. I thing that oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin are responsible for feelings of love and lust. Moving to another city and meeting new people also made everything fade. After some time I started to see past events more clearly, and it wasn’t anymore so great, it was actually full of holes, but heart in love (or brain on hormones) is blind. The question is: what do you want? Do you want to feel pain, depression, suffering, heartbroken, or do you want to be a strong, a fighter, to get over that person, and have even bigger and better love, irreplaceable, mature, special? Wrote on a paper your possibilities: to lose years in pain and feeling stuck, or to maintain relationship with him as a mistress, a second woman, without children or family, or to get him over as soon as you can and have new relationship… you know better.. Please, don’t waste too much time of your life in pain.. Look forward to joy, love, new experiences! They will be way more stronger and better.January 9, 2018 at 7:49 am #185735
Hi Divani girl,
I am so sorry to see that you are suffering. I am indian too, so i get how our culture can be. But – to me, it more about men. just MEN. indian or not. i would like to focus more on what Rose mentioned above – seeing what is going on more clearly. I am much younger, however I know this concept. Sometimes, especially as women lost in lust and love, we tend to glorify things and make them into something they are not. I, for one, am a culprit of holding onto something because IT WAS SO AMAZING AND PERFECT AND HOW CAN IT EVER END. – in reality, if it was, it would not end. It is important for you to eventually get to the state when you can see the situation for what it is – see all the gaps and not-so-perfect things about you and him.
I know SO many stories like this. These men that come from india – are usually not a good idea. I say this bluntly. I say it bluntly because I have heard way too many stories like yours. Get him out. He does not deserve you.
Cali SisterJanuary 11, 2018 at 10:09 am #186163
Thank you for all the kind words. I am new to this site and these words have been providing me comfort. UPDATE: I did meet him one last time for closure before he left. I was not sure if I would go through with it but I did meet him. I found it healing. I remained calm and I just said I wasn’t ready for this to be over however as he made his decision and im not in limbo anymore. (I feel this strange sense of relief perhaps because finally a decision has been made) I talked about changing my phone number and he threw a fit saying that would be absurd and we can still be friends and he will for sure connect when he gets back…he kept saying that which made me realize he doesnt want this to be over…I didn’t say the most clever things I think I was a bit stunned feeling this would be our last time together. hopefully I remain true to that.
Like in any relationship when it breaks there is a period of grieving. I would start my morning drive by him calling…but now he doesn’t and feels so strange. We did alot together and now I dont look forward to weekends. Although i tried to make friends moving to a new city but find people flaky and now just watch a lot of movies and do things by myself. Thinking of joining something just to get my mind of of this but not sure what…all i know is I need community, connection and compassion.
I didn’t get up for days been cocooning and eating a load of junk food. I want to get back up on my feet work out have a killer body look 5 years younger and then fantasize about seeing him and saying oh im doing good in fact great and you didn’t effect me. I wonder if he enjoys a women loving him so much and that it builds his ego.
although not clear in above I did try to break it off twice once for 8 months once for 1 year without contact. But when you have history with someone its tough to give anyone else a shot I did try to date and didn’t find anyone interesting and his constant showering of affection emails phones texts, romantic song videos just tugged at my heart…I think now my age at 40…I want to be in a committed loving relationship but worried that it might come across too old not sure if kids will be in the cards now…if I was younger think id be able to bounce back more easily. Now I have this fear of moving forward and well…I guess time will tell. BTW I did try therapy but found myself talking a lot and no advise. I find this more healing to hear advise from people’s experiences who’ve gone thru breakups and how they cope. I just want to heal, live my life and be functioning again. Feeling numb.January 11, 2018 at 10:58 am #186175
It is not uncommon for people past their forties to start a healthy loving relationships that last a lifetime. I hope this happens in your life too.
I hope that you do heal from this breakup and free your heart from this man, making it possible for you to get involved with another. When you are ready, there are choices you can make, steps you can take to increase your chances of making a loving relationship in your life.
If you don’t change your phone number, if you continue to talk with him, that may place you back in that distressing limbo position. He threw a fit, you wrote, well… he shouldn’t be allowed (by you) to have it both ways, to have his arranged marriage and to demand your future attention and presence in his life, does he?
anitaJanuary 12, 2018 at 5:26 pm #186425
Dear Divani Girl,
its very late where I live and I will login later and write more or send you a private message. For now, I can tell you, I was in same situation as you minus just a little younger to you – you will heal, it will be a long arduous journey, next couple of months will be difficult, excruciatingly painful and relieving – both on different days or sometimes the same day. But you must change your number or break all contact atleast for next couple of months for your sanity, your recovery and your self esteem. I am not surprised your boyfriend wants to keep in touch..that is easy on him and tough on you. Will he do what is tough for him? No.
If you start walking away in opposite direction, even if it takes 2 years, you will be in much better place after 2 years, if you stay in this on and off limbo – it will be that much delayed, that much additional pain and a massive setback on your self respect.January 13, 2018 at 12:05 am #186445
Thank you sweet soul sisters for your support. I’ve never really journalled and writing down my feelings feels good, feels like this is a living diary… with Angels providing comforting advise. It’s Getting me thru some tough moments last few days. ..I missed a few days from work as I couldn’t get out of bed and worried as not productive at work. I’m feeling embarrassed to share my story with anyone as I did share with a friend but all I got was judgement in return. Perhaps if I was in my hometown surrounded by family and my core friends i would feel different. Feels no alone In the city…it’s tough. Going back home is not an option. I’m finding it Hard to trust anyone at the moment….my heart has a wall being built up around it. I guess this is why in meditation they say don’t have attachments with anyone. I feel all the attachments I’ve ever had have been broken as all my biggest fears have already come true, I have no expectations of myself anymore. Just want to be healthy and productive and if I’m lucky perhaps have love again. Feeling vulnerable wondering if someone will find me loveable or will it be another repeat…how will I know I can trust them….
keeping busy helps however it’s the weekend now thats when we would spend time together…not sure What to fill my time with. Sick of binge watching Netflix. worried about work as I called in sick a few days But I couldn’t even get out of bed. Now this weekend I can stay in bed but then I think lots of thoughts when I’m not actively busy. Yikes.
Netflix has a show called black mirror. There is a new episode in which I’m the future (A.I.) Artificial intelligence chooses A Partner for you based on information it collects on dates it arranges precious to selecting a partner. The catch is you are told the time limit upon entering the relationship. So A.I. may give you a 12 hour date or pair you with someone for 5 years which then you must enter into. The A.I. future version of an arranged marriage seems less of a hassle lol…. I wonder if I knew the time limit in advance would I feel so scorned. Perhaps if I had been less naive.. setting firm boundaries, a time limit of how much time I was going to invest and ensure I met parents within first 4-6 months things would have been different. Either ended a lot earlier or feel more empowered and have a roadmap of my life. Guess now I feel I going to have to do that feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time and I have to find someone I feel soon so I can leave him in the past forever.
Sorry for the long post…few hours later I come back to this and think In a way I’m grateful I’ve had these experiences of knowing what it feels like to be in love, have passion in a relationship, feel excitement and in awe and be swooned, serenaded and adored. Some people never feel that in a lifetime..so,e friends of mine are in loveless marriages so perhaps I can say that at least I know what it felt like to love and be loved. What I need to remind myself is to choose someone that chooses me fully and shows me that I’m a priority. I put in 110 percent into the relationship next one not sure if I have it in me to do that again…
i believe we came I to each other’s life to teach each other how to live, how to love, live in the moment and shared a lot of laughs…gosh he was so funny and he had a way of making me childlike and playful too. He got me through some of the darkest moments of my life with love and laughter…yet in the same token he brought a lot of sadness by this choices and not making me a partner in his life and keeping me separate always…
this one minute feel grateful next minute feel vulnerable …hot…cold..hot..cold is wearing me down. Just want My heart to heal 🙁 and stop thinkingJanuary 13, 2018 at 6:04 am #186455
Dear Divani girl:
You are welcome. I hope you continue this living diary, as you termed it. I would like to read more and reply.
I hope you return to work this coming week and get some rest this weekend. That you don’t think so much and watch less Netflix, since you stated you are sick of binge watching it.
The time limit idea upon entering a relationship, in the show you shared about, that would have given you a comfort in knowing the limit, not having to wonder, to hope, to fear the ending of the relationship. You won’t fear the ending because you know it will end, how and when.
The more control you can practice in your own life, the better you will feel. When you plan your day thoughtfully and choose your own time limits for the different tasks you do today, how much Netflix to watch, for example, then you will feel safer and better.
anitaJanuary 14, 2018 at 10:03 pm #186637
i find it difficult to get through the weekends. I was in bed most of the day and just reminiscing. I noticed a few items that still have his scent and having hard time to let it go. Also wanted to block his number today but felt I couldn’t. Perhaps I’m moving too fast and I need to do it in my own time however I did a meditation asking for me to release me from this attachment. I haven’t stepped out in days nor have I opened up the curtains been black. I slept last night at 4 am then wokup at 2 this afternoon I had some lucid dreams…and was up for a few hours then fell back asleep, now it’s late and can’t fall asleep my timing is all off. Although not eating the best as I haven’t felt like getting groceries have cleaned out my freezer worth of food…at least I’m eating. Tomorrow I aim to go back to work my goals these days are simple get up on time, go to work and eat. Any advise how to make this easier would be so helpful.January 15, 2018 at 5:44 am #186661
Dear Divani girl:
I am glad you added to your living diary. You are probably at work as you read this, or at home after work. I wonder how being back at work has been for you today. You asked for advice as to “how to make this easier”- my advice: be gentle with yourself as you would be if you had a hurting child with you to take care of. No criticism, no admonishment, no harsh words or tone of voice, only gentleness. Let her express her feelings, listen, and comfort her.