No one has really ever cared for me.. genuinely..not even my biological mother..(that’s for another time .. perhaps )Through limited introspection and reflection.over the past month…as an adult, I have come to realization..and a form of acceptance. My acceptance is informal and formal.

I have no regrets, nor was my temporary disappearance in 10th grade a mistake.

Mistakes aren’t intentional, and they are absent minded.

I was trying to find myself… I was trying to find comfort…. I wasn’t being found. I wasn’t being seeked.

I’m always trying
To find.

There wasn’t anyone coming … There isn’t anyone coming…

There wasn’t anyone genuinely caring of my absence. I was an entrusted property of the state in their care. They were afraid of the consequences of not being able to retrieve, present, and produce at demand… the property.

That’s what their consequences and manipulation tactics have always been about. . Isolation.Control and Fear. Monetary loss and gain.

I don’t have a family, nor have a familil unit. I’m an orphan…that no one genuinely wants.

They weren’t searching nor looking for me. They never are. They don’t even know my last name…still…after all these years.

After high school, I was sexually assaulted 3 more times, during high school pupils bullied me aimlessly. One pupil spit in my face in front of teachers.. no actions nor consequences happened to him. Middle school, I was bullied aimlessly, and one pupil kicked me hard in the head and spit on me. In front of teachers..no actions against him, in elementary school I was bullied, isolated, punched, kicked, etc…. by pupils..all in front of adults and enforcers ..no actions taken against them…

In fact, during all these incidents.. I was often suspended and reprimanded.

Before I was even out the womb, I was abused..

When I was in the foster program, an older service coordinator of mine who visited weekly (no more than 30 at the time) would make inappropriate remarks towards me, stare, and flirt with me. He even forced me to attend a movie theater with him one time. He would often threaten removal.

When I reconnected with a high school teacher via early Facebook… I just said hi..and he continued to harass and say inappropriate things to me. He told me that when I was 15 he wanted to sexually assault me in the classroom. That he would think about me when he was with his wife. That even though it’s been years and even though he coached girls softball, they didn’t make the cut.

I got grossed out and blocked him. Then he made a fake account to threaten me, and his wife threatened me and told me to stay away from him.

I’m an abuse magnet.

——

When I was around 22 in order to supplement her loss of income and fund her shopping addiction once more …foster mom decided to take in another foster child.

She came to us from a group home. The first day that she came, she insulted and cursed foster mom. Foster mom unfortunately threatened her and did the same.

I understood why she was upset and hostile. The foster program didn’t consult with her about living away in a family setting. They snatched her from her place of comfort, and her family there. Despite her protests …and decided she’d “thrive” here.

I honestly think that me remaining in residential placement would have been best for me. Even though I’d probably would have a terrible life there too because that’s my fate…there were others that understood. No one else would ever understand completely.

We were a united front.. doing time in the battlegrounds.

I felt terribly for her. I’ll call her K. K came to us at 11 and unfortunately remained with us until 15. If things had been different, I was thinking about offering her a home and maybe the peace that comes with pieces of a fractured mind and broken spirit….

Unfortunately, we were parallel not symmetrical.

Her pain and traumas manifested in anguish, self sabotage and destructive behaviors. She tried hard to improve her life but couldn’t.

She was trying to transform into what
everyone’s ideal was…ultimately her downfall or perhaps upfall was when she came to the realization she was incapable of being anything more than what she had always been.

She was looking for an escape and an escort, but was escorted and reintroduced to her genuine self.

I tried to help her. I tried to show her that I cared. Even though she, I, and foster mom coexisted in separate rooms…in separate prisons…

I paid attention.

She soon started finding comfort and escapism in boys her age, and older men. She started not going to school, or going and not returning here for days. Sometimes when she returned, she’d steal from foster mom, shower, change, eat, pack a bag and we often wouldn’t see her for days.

I was very concerned, and often stayed awake wishing for her return. Foster mom, her family and the program weren’t very concerned.

We were told by the foster program to just let her continue, and we must allow her reentry no matter the time.

They’d only threaten her with removal.

I told foster mom that maybe she could benefit from therapy and counseling…that she was in pain and misunderstood….

I guess i often voiced my concerns over her too often, because foster mom would get angry at me, berated me, and told me that she doesn’t want to hear it and be bothered.

During on of the times foster mom went on her annual trip to see visit family out of state…D’s grandmother agreed to watch K and have her stay there. Even though during this time D who had just recently gotten out of jail ..again and D a lifetime registered sex offender lived with his grandmother ..

I was the only person to see fault with this. I tried to persuade foster mom to let her remain with me until her return, but the foster program told me no.

So during her stay D 24 then manipulated and carried on a sexual relationship with K , 15 at that time. He convinced her that they would be married, living together, and raising children together in the near future. He convinced her to allow some of his grown friends to use her sexually as well ……

Tbc

Thank you as always..