Hello,

I am sorry you are feeling so blue at the moment.

I think that you need to take a step back and breath for a moment. You are over whelmed with stuff to do and I think you need to break things down into little pieces and do things one step at a time.

I think it might be wise to look at some of the small practical things you can do first.

It may be that I have misinterpreted your writing, but it seems to me that you have not yet contacted your internship person about your start date? Am I correct?

If I am right, you need to just send the email. Just a two line email. Dear so and so, I’m really eager to start my internship. Please could you give me a start date so I can arrange some child care. You can reach me by replying to this email or calling me on 0000000000000. Kind Regards, Straight No Chaser.

If you have already been in touch and have received no reply, email again. If you haven’t heard back in two working days, call them. If you don’t get to speak to the person you need to speak to, leave a message.

Lets all hope that they call you back. However if after a few times at contact you haven’t heard anything, email and call again. This time make it clear you are concerned that because you haven’t heard anything, you would like to know if the internship has fallen through. Then take time to calmly think about the situation and take it from there.

I will say that I’ve worked in busy industries where lots of internships were offered. Unfortunately sorting out the arrangements was often at the bottom of most peoples to-do-list and priorities and I have waited ages for responses myself and witnessed the same happening to others. It’s annoying but it’s important not to take it personally or see it as a reflection on your abilities. It’s just unfortunate that you are the victim of other people’s disorganisation.

Reading your post I get the impression that you feel very judged by society and the people around you? Am I correct?

I know I can’t take away those feelings for you, but I think you need to mentally dismiss those who you think are judging you. So you don’t have an academic education. Who cares? So what? So you are finding it difficult to find a job? Who cares? So what? So are millions of other people.

Anybody who judges you because of these things is ignorant and foolish.

I also feel it might be wise for you to let go of this desperate need to find a purpose. I don’t believe in purpose, I think it’s kind of a made up thing. Animals don’t wander around trying to find their purpose, they simply exist and that is enough for them. I think trying to find a purpose is a little dangerous, it suggests that some lives are worth more then others and I’m not convinced by that.

Your purpose in life is like mine. You are a human being and that is all the validation that you need.

You might want to read around the topic of imposter syndrome, because it sounds to me that you may be currently thinking along these lines.

I hope you find some peace.

StraightNoChaser- I hope you don’t feel as blue today as you did when you wrote this, and it seemed like you giving me advice on my post helped you feel better (I know if helped me). Hopefully I can return the favor. My mom works for the government and more and more lately government jobs and government funded programs simply run out of money. That could be the case with what you’re going through. But that doesn’t mean your dreams fell apart. You aren’t suppose to wait on any job to come through simply because they said they were interested in you. Keep putting in those applications! Doing something is better than doing nothing.

You seem to beat yourself up a lot for things that were out of your control. I know a few people who have dropped out of college multiple times and then went back, sometimes just one course at a time. Many community colleges will work with you if you communicate with them what’s going on and also freeze the money you owe to other educational institutions. But don’t feel rushed to jump right back into school. Take your time and when you’re ready, go for it. And don’t worry so much about being able to afford it. You never know what can happen if you don’t try.

Something that helps me when I feel like I am mentally falling apart is to take a short break from applying and worrying and do something I enjoy. For me, it’s walking my dog or watching and episode of “The Simpsons”. Find a couple things that will make you smile and take some time to do them.

Finally, you are not a loser, you did not ruin your life, and you didn’t have past failures, but rather, past lessons. Look at everything you “failed” in and try to find the lesson you learned from it. There always is a positive lesson and once you find it, then you know it wasn’t a failure. My mother got her G.E.D at 45…an Associates degree at 48…and her first full time job at 50, all while battling depression and anxiety. If some employers were willing to overlook a 20 year employment gap with her, I’m sure they will understand a 4 year gap because you were taking care of your child.

I hope this helps and remember, progress is progress, no matter how small.

Hi StraightNoChaser!
I agree completely with Buddhist Wife and Sheik, although I have a few things to add.
Firstly, I think that amidst all this chaos you seem to be experiencing, you have one extremely important virtue – you daughter! I think your search for purpose can end here. Haha. I agree with what Buddhist Wife said about purpose being made up. You create your purpose through the small things you do and decisions you make on a daily basis. Many single parents in a simmilar situation to you put lots of pressure on themselves to be “a good mom” and provide for their child(ren) which are very valid concerns. However, if you take a step back and look at your daughter’s life, she has no clue about any of your problems, and I am sure she is thrilled about life and thinks you’re the best mom ever. She is fed, clothed, and happy! 🙂 That is an amazing thing! If that’s all you’ve got right now, just remind yourself everyday that you are already succeeding at the most important job you have – a mother, but remember to see it through her eyes, not yours 😉

I also always find it helpful to concentrate on the little things when the “big things” don’t seem to be lining up. There was a time in my life when everything was going wrong, I had extreme anxiety, depression, was failing school, etc. In those moments of desperation and helplessness, I find it helpful to just force yourslef to go and complete some mundane, easy task. For example, wash the dishes. But focus on doing a really good, throrough job. When you are done, you will genuinely feel more accomplished than you did 15 minutes ago. When you can’t get the big picture straight focus on mastering the little things, because after all, they make up the big picture 🙂