Dear Farnaz:

“Although they weren’t nice to their children they were decent people in general, ethically“- good thing for the other people, the people in general.

“Once I was home in summer break, my dad and I were arguing over her behavior, and he said very angrily..  if (I) was a good daughter, he wouldn’t get married…it was obvious to me that he wasn’t really happy with his marriage… Once when we were alone, I almost begged him to tell me the truth about his marriage…  but he was adamant that his wife is so perfect“-

– reads like the relationship between you and your father- after your mother’s death, if not before- was somewhat emotionally incestuous.  Are you familiar with the term emotional incest aka covert incest?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

Yes, saying that if you were a better daughter, he wouldn’t have married a wife.. is comparing a daughter to a wife: that sounds like emotional incest on his part. You can google emotional incest (there is a book about it as well) and see if any of it fits your story…?

If there is something to it, I figure that your negative experience with men as an adult, in the romantic context, is significantly affected by this.

anita

Dear Farnaz:

I didn’t read the book but I came across the title when I googled it today (and earlier). I suffered from emotional incest myself, coming from my mother (it’s not gender specific). As far as how it could have affected your romantic life: could be that you’d feel that partnering with a man would mean betraying your father… could be that you kept replaying the dynamic with your father in the romantic context.

anita

Dear Farnaz:

You are welcome. According to the list provided by  Healthline/ emotional incest, I suffered from all the “possible outcomes of childhood emotional incest“, including: (1) difficulty individuating/ establishing a sense of self and setting boundaries with others, (2) trouble establishing lasting, healthy friendships and adult romantic relationships, resulting in loneliness and isolation, (3) perfectionistic tendencies and a sense of superiority, (4) feelings of guilt, shame, and a low self-esteem; depression, anxiety and personality disorders.

In the book I mentioned, titled Silently Seduced, it reads: “the covert victim feels idealized and privileged. Yet underneath the thin mask of feeling special and privileged rests the same trauma of the overt victim: rage, anger, shame and guilt”-

– I remember my mother telling me how special and superior (to peers), how most intelligent and pretty and meant-for-great-things I was, on one hand,  and telling me that I was “a big zero” during long raging and shaming sessions, on the other hand.

More from the book: “The boundary between caring and incestuous love is crossed when the relationship with the child exists to meet the needs of the parent rather than those of the child…. a disregard for personal boundaries. The child becomes an object“- I very much felt like an object in her hands, literally. My very existence- my body- was her property, hers to do with it whatever she wanted. She was The Person, I was object.

“Over time, the child becomes preoccupied with the parent’s needs… The child’s core needs are rejected, not served. The child feels like an object, not a person“,  “There’s nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of a parent rather than the child“.

“As long as the abuse or neglect experienced in childhood remains buried within, we re-recreate our family in adult relationships”, “Assigning responsibility where it rightfully belongs is the first crucial step in gaining access to one’s true feelings, needs, and wants”, “Even as adults, we do not gain freedom of choice until we see the past clearly and experience our feelings about it“.

anita

Dear Farnaz:

You are welcome. He wanted you all to himself, didn’t he? He didn’t want to tell you that he was getting married because… it was an inconvenient truth that he didn’t want to admit to, or to share with you: he didn’t want to tell you that he chose a wife, in fear that you will follow suit and choose a husband?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“I’m assuming that your mother was similar, wasn’t she?“- I hope she wasn’t similar to your father in this regard: I was 20 something, was on a date, his name was Benny. I returned home late, she waited for me, sitting in the dark waiting, and she said a lot of things, I remember so little of what she said (at that time and at so many other times), but I remember this, she said, paraphrased: I know why you are with him, because he has a (a vulgar way to say penis) and I don’t!

I never shared this here. And in my mind, you will not want to talk to me anymore because of these words… the sentiment.. from a mother, it is too vulgar, too wrong. I never brought it up to her, never asked her about these words. I don’t quite understand.

anita