April 20, 2019 at 11:35 am #289971
Hi! I am seeking advice on how I can improve my relationship.
I am in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend and I used to play games together a lot or watch movies while being on skype, but i have started to find that boring and I dont enjoy games as much anymore and want us to be able to do other things too..
I tried to ask him if he had any suggestions on other things we could do but he didnt..
Our conversations seem boring honestly, its always the same.. games or what are you doing.. Just want our relationship to be based on other things too.. and I find myself often not knowing what to talk aboutApril 20, 2019 at 11:57 am #289981MarkParticipant
What are you doing with your life now you don’t have? School? Other activities? Reading? That’s a start of a conversation. When you limit your shared life by not really sharing an in person life then it’s more of a challenge to stay connected especially when you don’t share the same interests anymore.
MarkApril 20, 2019 at 1:19 pm #289995InkyParticipant
You might be outgrowing your long distance relationship. Do you see him at least a few times a year in person? Seems a little untenable to me.
InkyApril 20, 2019 at 1:45 pm #289997
Thanks for both of your replies.
I do have school, but he is currently unemployed and is trying to look for a job. I am trying to become a certified health care assistant and will finish june 2020.
His interest is mostly games and movies, he does not read or have any other activities really which also limit the things we can talk about I feel.
I do enjoy reading and often spend time outside with my dogs driving to lakes/forests with them.
I do visit him a few times a year whenever I have vacation, last time I went to see him was in February and I will be going there again in july if possible.April 20, 2019 at 2:13 pm #289999MarkParticipant
Be prepared for the possibility that your relationship has run its course.
You’re growing and he is not.
MarkApril 21, 2019 at 6:24 am #290023
Aiming at understanding your boyfriend better I ask:
1. What kinds of movies does he enjoy most?
2. What kinds of games, of what topic?
3. In games he plays for hours and hours, what does he like least and what does he like most, what parts of the games?
4. Does he live with his parents; what is his relationships with his parents/ family?
anitaApril 21, 2019 at 6:46 am #290025
1. He enjoy series that are based a lot around super heroes or old movies about vikings. Right now we’re watching a new series on netflix called “Black Summer” which is about a zombie apocalypse. We used to watch Lucifer a lot. We tend to watch series more than movies.
2. Games it’s usually final fantasy or games that are based around teamplay, tactics. It can also be games such as Destiny 2, Black Desert, but it’s often pve/pvp games where both things are available if that makes sense. We’re playing online games together.
online-only multiplayer first-person shooter
sandbox-oriented massively multiplayer online role
These are mostly the genres we play.
3. He really enjoy playing with other people where they have to come up with a strategy or tactics for the “dungeon, raid” they are in. He does not like fighting games that much which are just pvp, but really enjoy the pvp/pve aspects of games.
4. Yes, he does live with his mom and little brother, since he can’t afford his own place at the moment. He do have a good relationship with his mom and often help her out by carrying the groceries or cooking.
April 21, 2019 at 7:24 am #290031
- This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Tenna.
I asked about the games but I am not familiar with gaming at all but am familiar with gamers, so I wasn’t able to benefit from the titles of the games and gaming glossary. (You didn’t have a way of knowing I wasn’t familiar with these things when answering 2-3).
To try to get something out of your answers to 2 & 3, I will paraphrase what I did understand: he likes Fantasy games based around teamplay- does that mean he likes team work, a number of individuals working together for the purpose of achieving an objective that will benefit all?
“He really enjoy playing with other people”, so team work? And he enjoys planning how to achieve an objective (“come up with a strategy or tactics..”)?
Regarding #1, he likes to watch movies about super heroes. Did you notice him trying to be some kind of hero in his life outside movies and games, be it in small ways, or ways that appear not too impressive, but still?
You wrote regarding his mother that he “often help her out by carrying the groceries or cooking”- did he tell you that or did you observe that when you visited him? Will you tell me more about what he told you and what you observed regarding his relationship with his mother, how she treats him and what he thinks and feels about her?
anitaApril 21, 2019 at 7:38 am #290033
Yes that’s correct, he do enjoy fantasy games that are based around team work where the individuals are working together towards an objective.
He does not try to act like some kind of super hero outside of the games, I wouldn’t say that.
He can tend to change his voice sometimes to try and be funny, which it is sometimes, but can also be a bit too much at times.
I’ve seen him helping her out with the groceries where I have also helped and I often helped him with cooking when I visited him and he would often talk to me on Skype while cooking and send me pictures of the food he would make.
He have sometimes told me that he feels unappreciated because his mom sometimes will come home and complain about the food not being ready or her complaining that he didn’t do the dishes after he cooked, even though he spent 2 hours in the kitchen making food for her and his brother.
He seems to really love her though and I have seen them laugh together when I have visited him, he just feel that she is a bit too much sometimes.April 21, 2019 at 7:59 am #290037
You started your thread with: “I am seeking advice on how I can improve my relationship”- if your aim is a long term relationship with him, a future of living with him, maybe getting married and so forth, then I have the following input and advice according to my best understanding of the little information I have:
He is motivated to please his mother. This means that in the context of the relationship with you now and more so in the future, when he lives with you, he will be motivated to please you. Don’t use it to take unfair advantage of him, but use it for your benefit and his benefit.
Unlike his mother, don’t criticize his efforts to please you. Instead express your positive appreciation every time- now in the long distance context and continue when you visit him.
When you ask him to do something for you (and do ask him, he is likely to be glad you do)- ask for a small thing, one thing at a time, so to not overwhelm him, then when he does what you asked him to do, express your appreciation. Later on, ask for something else. (Again, what you ask is for your benefit and his, having the win-win principle of benefit in the relationship).
Don’t demand that he does this or that, don’t overwhelm him, don’t be “a bit too much sometimes”, like his mother, but be assertive, a gentle leader of sorts, in the relationship.
When you see him in person, do tasks together as a team, just as you did before and more. Not always, but often.
Help him maybe in his employment efforts, keeping in mind that he likes team work and planning a strategy to obtain an objective, see if he is capable of doing jobs that involve team work and planning. Or a job that will lead him to a higher planning position later on. Maybe you can talk with him about his employment prospects some of the time?
anitaApril 21, 2019 at 9:11 am #290045
Thank you so much for your input, it definitely made me change my look on things, I will take everything you said into consideration and try to implement that in our day to day life.
I really appreciate your help, thank you.
It’s always nice to hear how other people see it.April 21, 2019 at 9:36 am #290047
You are welcome, Tenna. I hope you post again whenever you want to.