Hello,

Yes, it helps a lot to hear from you. And you are right, I definitely have been feeling some sense of relief because he is no longer able to hurt me in that way. And it is also good that I was able to get out of it early on, even if initially it wasn’t my decision. You are right about the betrayal. I barely started thinking about that these past two days. I can’t just bend myself over and over again for someone who is okay with disrespecting me like that. I am currently feeling all of this pain, heartbreak, betrayal, and that is what has me feeling hopeless, trying to fight for something that isn’t right. I know that this is the right choice, I am just having such a hard time dealing with my emotions and trying to heal in the best way possible. I know it takes time, I think I’m just trying to reach out for some support, some advice, anything. This whole situation with lockdowns has left me stuck at home unable to escape my house or my feelings and I feel like I’m having a hard time dealing with all that.

We had our last conversation last night and it made me realize that it’s not worth it. However, I was unable to say a lot of things that I wanted to say to him. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m the kind of person that needs closure to move on. I was thinking about writing out a letter and sitting on it for a week. If I still feel the things I wrote are important to share with him then I will send it. Right now I just need to feel what I have to feel. I’m not feeling hopeless, just sad, and afraid of what’s to come.

Anita,

I will look into writing it down and I will share it on here. I think the biggest thing for the purpose of the letter is forgiveness. I feel like I need to forgive everything that he put me through in order for me to let go of all this anger and negative emotions. I really think that it will help me heal in a healthier way. When I have it written, I will share it with you thank you.

And this is the first time I get cheated on in a relationship. It’s only my third serious relationship, and while I had issues in my past two relationships, infidelity was never one of them. I think I am scared I won’t deal with these insecurities well if I start to date again. I really lost myself, I became a paranoid person, constantly looking for mistakes, focusing on details, and missing the big picture. It made me very controlling and insecure, and I am afraid that that’s something I’ll struggle with a lot in the future.

Hello,

Yes, there’s stuff that I feel like I need to get off my chest. I know a lot of people talk about closure in the sense that it is not needed, or at least the ones I’ve discussed it with, but I do feel closure brings me a lot of peace and clarity. So I’m going to write it all down, share it on here and sit on it for a week.

Yes, I am afraid of that. If I’m being honest, I feel like I kind of lost my mental stability in this relationship because I let my emotions (love, fear, disappointment) take over my actions.

And in my past relationships.. I guess my first one was difficult because it was new to me. I wanted freedom and he wanted me to compromise and prioritize him in my life. So I did. And at first it was tough to get through, but I slowly started enjoying having someone I could lean on. It was nice, but he leaned on me too and he has always had a lot of issues with his mental and even physical health. It got to a point where I felt like I was just there to take care of him and I always wondered who was taking care of me. It ended after being off and on for a good while. The funny thing is, I do talk to that ex of mine. He went through so much pain that I lived through with him. We didn’t talk for almost 3 years, and now we are actually decent friends. The other one was just bad timing. He was in the military and was set for deployment, so almost a year into the relationship, he left and I told him I couldn’t put myself through that. We didn’t talk throughout his deployment (a year). He ended up coming back earlier than expected and we tried to rekindle things, but it just wasn’t there anymore.

Hello,

I realize the way that sounded was a bit intense. I meant that I lost it during my relationship. I was doing crazy things, like checking his location, asking him too many questions if I felt suspicious. I usually am not the kind of person to doubt and worry, but I wanted so badly to believe that our relationship would grow that I never stopped to give myself time to heal and decide whether or not I would be able to forgive him. I think I can, and I probably should to let go. People aren’t perfect they will always make mistakes. It’s how the choose to act after those mistakes that show whether or not they want to do right, be better, etc.

I have been having a rough time sleeping. I also have my up and down rollercoaster of emotions. I usually wake up with that feeling of despair, knowing that part of my life is gone. Some days I feel hopeless and I cry a lot, other days I feel okay. It’s tough living through all this and not being able to leave home. I feel like I am always in my thoughts and can’t escape them. it might be good, as I am the kind of person that buries themselves in work when grieving, but I guess it’s just new to me and I’ve been struggling to understand it.

Hello,

I ended up doing something kind of bad, but I texted my ex a few days ago. We later FaceTimed and talked about what we had been up to. I ended asking him if his decision was still the same. He told me that he still thought us breaking up was the best choice. He still seemed upset about the whole situation. He told me that he was hurting too, that I was everything he has ever wanted, but that he had messed up by cheating on me and that’s something that he had to live with. He also said that it wouldn’t work out, just that it wouldn’t work right now. I am super hurt by what happened, and he is super hurt from me trying to control him and our fight getting physical before we broke up. I started talking out of panic, telling him that I was having a really hard time and I just needed him to hear me out. At one point, we started going back and forth and bringing up certain details that happened that night that he seemed to not remember well. I told him I was hurt by what he was saying and he told me that we shouldn’t talk about the past and try to let go of what happened. He was pretty upset at this point and I felt a bit of a panic attack coming. I asked him to stay on the phone and he said that he was done talking for the night. He told me he had been trying to be there for me, to just relax and try to get some rest. He hung up.

His reaction to everything had me triggered. Like he didn’t care, or he didn’t want to hear all this again. I didn’t cry that night, but the next day it kind of just hit me like a wave. I’ve been on a wave of emotions the last couple of days. I decided to not talk to him again, I am hurt and talking to him doesn’t help. I cut contact and wrote out a letter that helped ease my mind. I’ve been sitting on it for a bit. I’ll decide in a few days whether or not I want to share that with him.

He reached out to me yesterday.. asking how I was doing. I didn’t reply. It sounds crazy for me to think he does love me because he cheated on me, but I truly think he cares. Which would explain why he is reaching out and has been since we broke up. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing though. I know there’s too much pain for things to work out between us right now. I need to heal and move forward, so I am going to try to stick to not talking to him.

I’ve been taking my dogs for walks and it helps, I’ll listen to some music that helps clear your mind, that’s been good for me. I do struggle, like I mentioned before with keeping the bad thoughts out of my head. I’ll randomly miss him, feel the urge to text him, sometimes I also think into the future and I feel afraid. I think that’s normal, but it has really kept me unmotivated, Even with work, I do work most of the day throughout the week, and I’m on auto pilot. I know it’s a feeling of numbness but wow it’s made it difficult to try to feel relief in working and doing other things, even simply watching some television.

Thanks for hearing me out!

Hi again,

I ended up writing my letter how you suggested.. I’ve yet to go back and read it, but it definitely gave me some relief to be able to write down everything I was feeling. I decided to cut off all contact with him. It has been rough, but I don’t feel like a huge emotional rollercoaster. It has been a week and a half since I last spoke to him. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and doing things I enjoy. It has been a bit rough, being so that I’m stuck at home. I have been able to keep myself put together for the most part. I don’t feel the urge to text him, right now I actually don’t think I even want to talk to him.

Over the last week and a half he has contacted me twice, I didn’t respond. Yesterday, some of our friends who we used to dance salsa with started a group chat with us. He responded, but I tried my hardest not to, and didn’t. I know the best way to avoid those moments and feeling nostalgic would be to block him. I don’t think I am there yet. Maybe it’s just my heart in denial, maybe I feel too emotionally exhausted to put myself through more sadness and anxiety. Yesterday was super rough, I cried the whole time in the shower, and later in the evening I cried for about two hours. It started with missing him, but transitioned into how he treated me and what I had to go through in the relationship.

I hadn’t mentioned this but I was having so much trouble sleeping, however these past few days I started to sleep a bit better. I still struggle to fall asleep, but my sleep is now continuous. I manage to get around 5 6 hours of it. I also started eating a bit more, as I have lost around 10 pounds in the last few weeks. I think that means I am slowly healing. I am still having feelings of wanting to ask him to reconsider, him breaking up with me totally crushed my self-esteem. I know this relationship wasn’t healthy for me, I of course still love him, I think I need time or closure or to be able to leave my home once again. Being stuck at home during this quarantine makes me feel I am stuck with my thoughts and feeling this way, I don’t know how to explain it. Anyway, I was reading other people’s posts on here, and realized a lot of people are going through similar or worse things than me. I also saw people revisiting after years and sharing how they are doing now. It was so refreshing to see that they overcame their struggles and that time really heals wounds. It’s only been a bit over two weeks for me, so it’s fresh. I still cry and have super bad days full of anxiety, but I am waking up every day and getting through the days with all I have to offer right now.