Dear Maria:

First, I will retell your story, quoting you:

You met a man during a work trip about a year ago. The two of you worked together, and for about six months you spent a lot of time together, “physically quite close meeting almost ever day”. He is Muslim and so are you, of different home countries, similar cultures, and different races, as you are mixed, having a darker skin color. Early in the relationship he made racist jokes regarding black people, but you didn’t take it seriously. “I got intimate with him, to a certain extent which in our religion is wrong… he said that it wasn’t a big deal because we were going to get married anyways”.

When the pandemic happened, six months or so into the relationship, the two of you “were separated by Covid”, you returned to your home country, and  the relationship became long distance.

For  months, while separated, he repeatedly told you the following things: that “he would come as soon as the borders (opened) and that we would get married and he would meet my family”, that his mother happened to find a picture of you and “she freaked out”, that she asked him about your religion, if you plan to wear a veil, what country you are from, that he answered all her questions, and that she said that  “she would never accept” you, that she didn’t like you, and that there was something about you “that was just off'”; that you “should fight for him and that his mother wasn’t that important.. if she doesn’t accept you then it’s her problem, she’s the one who’s wrong”, that his mother herself was not accepted by her first husband’s and second husband’s mothers, that you were “the love of his life and that he would never leave” you.

When the borders finally opened, he told you that “he had to ASK his mom’s approval”. For weeks after that, he told you that he was talking to her, that “she was afraid that, culturally, we wouldn’t match”, and needed time “to swallow” the idea of him marrying you. Later, he told you that “she told him that it was a big no for her and that she wanted him to only marry someone from the same country and same religion and that he knew it from the beginning”. Later he told you that “all his friends told him he should just marry” you. Later, he told you that “he was too anxious and that we need to take it slowly”, and that “he feared his mom would get sick if we got married.. that maybe his mom would get depressed and have to be hospitalized”. After that he told you that “he would rather die than live without you”. The situation now is that you blocked him, but the two of you still work for the same company.

Second, my input and efforts to answer your questions:

Particularly in traditional cultures, an engagement is not an engagement if the families on both sides are not involved: if the families never met, if they are not aware of a relationship, and/ or if they never approved of the relationship. In other words, you and him talked about an engagement, but  it takes more than two individuals to get engaged- it takes two families.

He said to you, or typed for you lots of words, over time. It is very easy to pronounce or type words.  If it involved hard work to talk,  maybe he would talk less. If he had to pay a fine for every lie or partial lie, maybe he would have lied less.

He told you that his mother just happened to find a photo of you and it was then that she asked him her first questions about you. If this is true, then he didn’t tell her a thing about you for over six months (long after he talked to you about marriage). He lied to you when he told you that he will marry you without her approval. I don’t know if he himself approved of marrying you. In other words, the promise behind the “engagement”, the promise to marry, may have been a lie all along.

You asked: “why the lies.. Would that intimacy be the only reason he was with me?”

– while the two of you spent physical time together, maybe the reason for his lies was to have that physical intimacy. When the two of you were long distance, he may have lied simply because you wanted to hear certain things and .. it didn’t cost him anything to tell you what you wanted to hear. Maybe he entertained himself by lying to you, mixing truth and lies, creating a certain drama that broke his boredom.

“why all these promises if it is to break them?”- because in his own mind, promises are just words one says.

You started your original post with: “I am writing here in search of some peace of mind and warmth. Also, in the hope I can forgive myself”-

– I am sorry, Maria. I am sorry that you were lied to. I am sorry that you were involved with a man who doesn’t mind lying. Please don’t be angry with yourself. You didn’t deserve being lied to and you don’t deserve anger. You deserve kindness. You need and deserve to be treated fairly, justly, kindly.

Learn all that you can learn from this experience so to improve your ability to evaluate people in the future and make better choices for yourself.

I was lied to, I made poor choices for myself, and I too was angry at myself for it. But growth and learning does not happen when angry at ourselves. Imagine a student in a classroom, will she learn from an angry teacher who is yelling, or will she learn from a calm, patient, kind teacher? Be that calm, patient and kind person to yourself, every day, all day long.

“I already had trust issues and I fear for the person coming after him, I feel I can’t never truly trust anyone anymore”- good thing, never truly blindly trust anyone anymore. Learn who the person is first, listen to what he says, ask questions, observe him over time: does he talk because it is easy to talk or does he put value in his words.. does he walk his talk.

Pay attention to his jokes, ask him questions about his jokes.. pay attention to what he says about other people.. if he thinks little of others because of their darker skin color and you have a darker skin color, then he also thinks little of you, for the same reason.

When you learn and ask questions and observe a man over time, then you will have a rational basis to trust him.

anita

Hi Maria,

I think sometimes the fault isn’t with us for being blind to our exes’ personality, but rather our exes for behaving badly. You believed him. There’s no shame in that. But you also you can’t avoid pain in relationships–that’s part of the deal. Love is always a risk.  And  I think you made out ok in this one. You’re not marrying him! Thank god!

Your ex sounds quasi-racist, confused, and not really brave or confident. Sometimes one’s family doesn’t know better, and it takes a person confident within himself to know that.  I think he saved you from making a big mistake. You know what they say, “Rejection is God’s protection.”

I know you feel stupid. Who wouldn’t? But it will pass. All that means is that you put yourself out there – and that’s a good thing!

One day you’ll find someone who will fight for you, who will want to be with YOU (and not his Mom lol). Take some time for yourself, love yourself LOTS – you’ve had a rough go of it, but every day the pain will be a little bit less.

Sending you good vibes 🙂

Pink

Hello Maria,

You are not marrying this man.  Thank God you have been saved from that fate.  You are now free to move on to someone who can love you and commit to you and whose family will also love and approve of you.  You have done nothing wrong.  You don’t need to feel ashamed of yourself.

What is loving yourself enough?  Loving yourself enough is loving yourself completely and utterly, accepting yourself exactly as you are.  You are a miracle of nature, you contain God’s divine spark, your DNA is unique which means you are unique.  Be proud of who you are.  There is no one else like you.  Get into the habit of sending yourself love every day of your life.  Bring to mind someone that you have loved in your life, even if it’s a pet or a toy, relive those joyous feelings and then allow them to flood your body, to fill you up completely, giving as much love to yourself as you have given out.  You are worth it.

Rest assured nearly everyone gets ‘abandoned’ by someone in their lives.  We all have break-ups.  It’s part of learning about adult relationships, what works for us and what doesn’t.  It’s normal and natural.  As an adult, you can choose what to believe.  Believe that you can attract a genuine, loving, sincere human being into your life and it will happen.

You may need to work on your self esteem which is much easier than it sounds.  Write a list of your positive attributes, adding to it daily and read them out in a private space until you have completely absorbed them.  This takes about three weeks.  Read them over as often as you like until you are totally and utterly integrated with your special, unique qualities.  Even if you feel ‘stupid’ and your thoughts throw up resistance,  keep going.  It’ll be worth it.

Begin shining your light and know that you are worth loving.

My very best wishes to you.

Peggy