I find it hard whenever I hear/read a girl’s story of how bad the relationship is but cannot leave it because she loves him. I feel pain for her because that means to me she does not love herself enough.
If you truly want any guidance then start with the Loving Kindness (Metta) Meditation. Susan Salzberg originated it but you can find versions of it on YouTube. This will help you with compassion for yourself (as well for others).
You stated in the present tense that he is controlling, unloyal (does that mean he is dishonest and sleeps around?), immature, and treats you poorly. Is this someone who can love well? Is this someone you can partner with? As you said, the Cons outweigh the Pros.
I would really recommend examining why you don’t value yourself enough with your willingness to stay with him. I recommend seeing a therapist to help you gain a better insight on yourself on why you want to stay with such a person. Having the reason on not leaving because you are scared of starting over is not a good reason. I don’t think how you think what “love” is is sufficient. That is not love but co-dependence and attachment.
Focus on making your life better with school and other healthier relationships (not just boyfriends but friends).
Mark

Please ignore my post.  It was put under the wrong person’s posting.  I cannot delete it.  I can only flag it.  It now shows it as “Inappropriate Content.”

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Mark.

OK, before I couldn’t reply for some reason…

OK, he isn’t leaving his wife even though the kids are grown.

And he wants to see you in two years because he’s hoping against hope that you’ll meet someone new.

When a man loves a woman, NOTHING will keep him away.

Keep your dignity. Lose the married fellow. Unless and until, of course, he’s not married.

Inky

Hey girl, don’t fall for the illusion that these types of men put out. They choose younger girls like yourself for a reason and someone that needs “saving” because they know a woman in her 20’s or even early 30’s has time to waste and have fun. He doesn’t choose women his age, because they have experience and wisdom, ( his shit stink!) They use your weakness to manipulate and control you. They are actually very bad with a mask showing that they care and that you need them. Actually, if you read about a pimps tactics…it is very similar psychology. You need to practice some self love and have self reliance. He is not in control of your happiness and healing. It is actually quite the opposite, because he keeps feeding off your energy because you are a sensitive and loving person. He is also just another addiction, which is why you are digging yourself a bigger hole. You will feel more empty and depressed than before you started with him, making you believe that he is the cause to happiness. No! He is robbing you of your happiness. True love should make you feel safe and warm. He didn’t choose you because he is a coward and because you are young, he is most likely worried that you will find someone better and ditch him eventually. He doesn’t deserve his wife either. She is also low self esteem and he feeds of this. Even if he leaves, do you really want to be in that poor woman’s shoes? He will get bored and find a new one after. Just telling how it is from some experience and learning from other friends as well.  The Friendship is broken because you had sex, so there is no friendship. He is just trying to keep you emotionally attached and stringing you along so you can have him on your mind.  Even some communication is enough for him, but for you it brings a flutter of hope to your heart. He is screwing with your mind and it is poisoning your heart. Don’t be afraid of the unknown. You deserve love and will love again having the person all to yourself. Please heal yourself and be strong! Be patient. Forgive yourself and learn…

Advice? BREAK-FREE.

And I have to be honest. He’s the 2nd guy I been with who was married ..I know… I know… I’m such a hypocrite. But I’ll never do it again. Lesson learned- they will end up with their wife no matter what. They will return back to their wife as if nothing happened ..and live in a whole diff world..so at the end …no it’s not a good idea to go back to him or have any sort of contact. My guy wanted us to be good friends in couple month. I don’t think I’m gonna meet him as a friend bc I know it’s not a good idea. I’ll get hurt. Someone once told me men are like dogs…they will chew anything they see and spit it somewhere after they get bored of it..

I also went through this kind of situation, only the man I was with had convinced me that he was leaving his wife someday because she deceived him into marrying her when she was secretly in love with another guy who wouldn’t marry her.

after he married her, she had to much to drink during their honeymoon and she wound up blurting out the truth.

his mistake was that he didn’t immediately seek an annulment. Instead he listened to her moms advice that she’d get over her other paramour.  Well, she absolutely did not.  In fact, she was never nice to him, (even physically abusive at times but since she didn’t want to go get a job, she had kids with him).  Finally, she received news that her lover had moved away from Mexico and was now living in a nearby town…so she trampled over the top of him,(my married man), and the kids and had a torrid three year affair…but to make it even messier…she was sleeping with both men and she got pregnant.

This is how my married man found out about the truth about her affair. Because she became extremely depressed over the fact that the baby couldn’t be her affair partners and she was fully packed and ready to run off with him until he realized that the baby wasn’t his. (He knew because he had been out of the country for four months and she was two months pregnant).

As if things couldn’t be anymore complicated, she decided that since she was pregnant and still didn’t want to find work, she was just going to stay put….

So she had the baby (#4), and he began to stray as a husband because although he didn’t want to lose his children,(she told him she would take the kids, kill herself etc.), he stayed, feeling very trapped.

For a while he was seeing a much older woman. She worked at one of those meditation temples. She offered him much comfort. But eventually she became hooked on the passion and became increasingly demanding and he then met me at a thrift store…

I just remember our first meeting. It was very innocent and sweet and we had an instant connection.  I had no idea he was married when he asked for my phone number.  When he began to woo me.

We formed a great friendship and the chemistry was very intense. And he told me right away about his terrible dilemma and how he didn’t want to lose his kids so he stayed with her.

After doing some detective work of my own I actually found out he was telling me the truth.
We were so perfect together and I was happier then I’d ever been…but when she was confronted on letting him go so we could be together, she not only refused, but suddenly she did an about face…why? Because now instead of seeing him as merely the rug she could walk all over and use to keep a roof over her head, NOW he was wanted by someone else….so she started packing his lunch every day, seducing him, texting him sweet messages etc etc etc etc….oh, and using the kids,(especially the youngest one), to manipulate and control him.

As for me I was very upset because he was not making any real progress even though he still was deeply injured over her affair with he childhood boyfriend who she tried to leave him for…

seven years of waiting…anyway…one day I finally had enough of his constant list of excuses. I had already helped him find a therapist two times and he was still living with her.  He was a major part of my life but I was a secret in his and this was not fair.  If he wanted to live a complete lie that was not ok with me. Anyway it took me a long time to break free.  I still have strong feelings for him but the truth is, he can never really move on until he is courageous enough to say the truth out loud and get out of that mess,(if he actually wants to).

Right now I’m dating a very nice man who spoils me rotten and is madly in love with me. He has no other woman to complicate or ruin our relationship. Instead of waiting for a once a week visit, he comes to see me and take me to dinner every night….

I still miss the married man who I loved (I am not sure when or if I will ever fully get over him ) ),but he seems as stuck with her as he ever was.  We sometimes have lunch as friends and I can’t even believe the craziness I went through for him and how false his proposal was to someday marry me.  He’s not some demon. He’s actually a really sweet guy whom I adore BUT he just can’t bring himself to actually leave the mother of his kids who cheated and abused him for many years. Now it looks like she’s being a good girl since she almost lost him.

it looks like the only loser in that situation was me.