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Hello everyone – thank you in advance for your advice with this!
My fiance moved out to the city where I live a year ago, and things were going really great with regards to our relationship. He had a hard time finding a job, had not yet gotten into grad school, so was really stressed out. A few months ago, he ended our engagement, and a week later packed up all of his things out of our apartment, and moved back home. It was shocking and still is so painful to me. His reasoning was that he had too many uncertainties and needed to “simplify” his life, and that I am passionate about international affairs and he isn’t. Frankly, it didn’t make sense.
I love him so much, and still want to work things out. He has recently gotten accepted into grad school nearby where I live for his Global MBA. He said he just needs to focus on school right now, and can’t deal with the expectations of being together or deal with the commitment of being in a relationship. He expects me to wait until he’s ready to move forward (but won’t offer any sort of timeline), and still is texting me and talking to me as if we are in a relationship. He is 39, and I am 24. I say this not because the age gap is an issue (it’s not) but because it really concerns me that he can’t focus on both school and being engaged/married like we had always planned.
This was his most recent text: “I’m sorry I led you on towards marriage. It’s not the ring or ceremony that holds me back, it’s the lifelong sacrifice that marriage requires. In my heart I struggle with compromising and I think you do too. I’m unsure whether we would be happy together in the long run, or would we wear each other down to nothing. I have to get myself healthy and grounded in school before I can proceed. Rushing back together is not the answer. Let’s continue to be patient, honest, and kind to each other.”
It is really painful for me to ignore him, but I my heart also feels destroyed expressing my love for him and talking with him like we are together when he doesn’t want to be officially in a relationship. I don’t know what to do – if I should wait until he’s ready to get back together, how I should talk to him, etc… I’ve tried moving on, I’ve tried dating other people, am spending a lot of time with my girlfriends, etc. and nothing is working. Each day I hurt more and more, and I’m afraid he will abruptly just end things again and crush my heart if we are together. I love him, and I’m not sure what to do. Can anyone offer advice?
Thank you so much, everyone <3
Hi Searchingforanswers,
I’m sorry things turned out the way they did.
I agree with @pink24 in regards to the social pressures that certain men feel, primarily that they have to be grounded and successful before they can move onto the next stage in their lives. The obvious issue is when do you know that you are successful or when you have made it? It’s not like you get handed an award and then you know you have leveled up.
“I’m sorry I led you on towards marriage. It’s not the ring or ceremony that holds me back, it’s the lifelong sacrifice that marriage requires. In my heart I struggle with compromising and I think you do too. I’m unsure whether we would be happy together in the long run, or would we wear each other down to nothing. I have to get myself healthy and grounded in school before I can proceed. Rushing back together is not the answer. Let’s continue to be patient, honest, and kind to each other.”
He is breaking up with you because he wants his freedom, so being with you is what he considers to be something that takes away his freedom. Some men don’t want to be tied down physically (have responsibilities) whilst some have no problem with them. THe comes across as well that he is afraid of commitment, especially when he talks about how he is ‘unsure’ about your possible future. Personally, if he was unsure, then he shouldn’t of asked you to marry him. He is also putting himself before you, even if you get back together, he will never put the relationship first, but his own wants. I find it particularly interesting that he writes “let’s continue to be patient, honest and kind to each other” which IMO demonstrates that he still wants you in his life, but he doesn’t want to be with you. He want’s the benefits of a relationship without an actual relationship. And he really expects you to wait around for him.
Basically, he wants everything. And, you know, by him contacting you, he is actually being quite selfish, he might think he is checking up on you, but he really is just trying gauge whether you still want him. Whether you still love him. Because, if he really cared about you, he would of let you go, he would said something like: I screwed up, i want to focus on my future without you in it right now, I love you, but not enough to be with. Instead, by contacting you, or you contacting him, you are just reaffirming that things ‘may’ get back together, just not right now. This hurts you, deep down it cuts you up, because how can someone say they love you, yet then do this? He wants to live of certainty, where everything has it’s place and everything is well, unfortunately, the world ain’t like that. He has decided to lose everything for certainty, and yet the only certain thing in his life, was you. And you have been cast aside. It’s important to realize, that you are really just a spectator in his life, whilst in your life he was your teammate.
In regards to your pain, i believe (like so many people deal with) is that you are currently experiencing an identity crisis. After all this time of being together, you went from being a girlfriend to being a fiance. Without your other half you are none of these things. Also, you were engaged, which means that eventually you were going to become a wife. All these words identify you with him, he was the boyfriend you were the girlfriend. Because it’s over now, you are trying to figure out who you are, without him. For so long your identity was linked to his, but now that its over you are in limbo. I don’t think hanging with friends or going on dates is the ultimate way to move forward (it’s great that you are doing this, i think the issue is more mental and emotional though). You have to figure out what your identity is now. Who are you? A way to do this, is simply grab a piece of paper and write down your interests, hobbies, family, friends etc. anything that makes you, you. write down who you are in relation to everyone around you. The goal is to notice that you are a great many things without this man in your life. When people break up, they go into meltdown because they forget that they were individuals before they were in a relationship, they forget the relationship is not the sum of their life, but a result of it.
My final sort of advice would be to understand that everything ends, it’s the one true guarantee in life. The sun will still come up tomorrow, the wind will still blow and the grass will still grow. Life will move on with or without you. Embrace who you are and what you want to become, the past cannot be changed. Live life on your terms. If your ex wants to get back to you once he has done what he wants to do, then he will have to earn that right again.
I hope this helps, if you have any comments or questions, feel free to ask 🙂
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