I have been in a relationship on and off with my first love for 5 years now. In the beginning we were just kids, so young and so in love. Neither of us came from a complete family, we were both damaged in many ways without realizing it. The beginning is always the best part. You’re naïve, crazy in love, and so blind to all of the red flags.

After the first year things started to get extremely rocky. We started fighting like crazy, purposely hurting each other, breaking up with each other and taking it back instantly. But through all of the fights and anger, I was so in love with him it hurt. We had our first major breakup after a year of being together. We broke up for 3 months do to him being controlling, and me holding things back. I was devastated.

Shortly after, we got back together. How could we not? I was still so in love with him it hurt too bad to go on without him. This time things were different, things were worse than ever. Constant fights followed by purposely hurting each other and horrible manipulation and emotional abuse. I went through two occasions where I sat next to him in a hospital bed after he tried to take his own life. Not only did I blame myself for not being there for him, but I blamed myself for not being enough of a reason for him to want to live. As expected, we had another very horrible breakup.

Another couple months later, we found each other again. He told me he changed this time, that he doesn’t want to do this life without me. That I was the person he wanted forever with. But this time was different. We fought after the ‘honey moon phase’ we fought bad. He ended up cheating on me, so I called it quits. This time for good. This heartbreak was the worst I ever felt. I was destroyed to a point where I never thought I would come back, I thought the pain would never end.

Nine months of being apart, and him being in treatment on and off do to many reasons, our love resurfaced. This time he promised he had changed, again. And I whole heartedly, but hesitantly believed him. The love I felt for him when I saw his face and felt his touch was stronger than ever. I felt like I finally was home, like I could breathe again, like I was complete. A couple months of spending every second together, of him and I being so in love, of him being the perfect man and my best friend, I found out he was cheating on me with many many girls. I was so torn apart, but I took him back. “I only did it when we were fighting” (which was a lie). A couple rocky weeks went by and we were finally starting to get back to normal again. Until I found out he was still cheating on me. How could he do this to me? I gave him everything, I fought for him harder than I have ever fought for myself. We were supposed to be in love. He was supposed to be my best friend.

A couple days after I found out he was cheating on me, we broke up. I can’t describe the pain I feel all over, I cant explain the emptiness I feel. I want him back more than anything. I wanna be home again.

I’m writing this to ask for advice. How can I heal myself? How can I make it easier for me? How do I keep myself from going back? because I don’t feel done. I don’t want us to be done forever.