July 14, 2019 at 7:21 am #303251
I have been in a relationship on and off with my first love for 5 years now. In the beginning we were just kids, so young and so in love. Neither of us came from a complete family, we were both damaged in many ways without realizing it. The beginning is always the best part. You’re naïve, crazy in love, and so blind to all of the red flags.
After the first year things started to get extremely rocky. We started fighting like crazy, purposely hurting each other, breaking up with each other and taking it back instantly. But through all of the fights and anger, I was so in love with him it hurt. We had our first major breakup after a year of being together. We broke up for 3 months do to him being controlling, and me holding things back. I was devastated.
Shortly after, we got back together. How could we not? I was still so in love with him it hurt too bad to go on without him. This time things were different, things were worse than ever. Constant fights followed by purposely hurting each other and horrible manipulation and emotional abuse. I went through two occasions where I sat next to him in a hospital bed after he tried to take his own life. Not only did I blame myself for not being there for him, but I blamed myself for not being enough of a reason for him to want to live. As expected, we had another very horrible breakup.
Another couple months later, we found each other again. He told me he changed this time, that he doesn’t want to do this life without me. That I was the person he wanted forever with. But this time was different. We fought after the ‘honey moon phase’ we fought bad. He ended up cheating on me, so I called it quits. This time for good. This heartbreak was the worst I ever felt. I was destroyed to a point where I never thought I would come back, I thought the pain would never end.
Nine months of being apart, and him being in treatment on and off do to many reasons, our love resurfaced. This time he promised he had changed, again. And I whole heartedly, but hesitantly believed him. The love I felt for him when I saw his face and felt his touch was stronger than ever. I felt like I finally was home, like I could breathe again, like I was complete. A couple months of spending every second together, of him and I being so in love, of him being the perfect man and my best friend, I found out he was cheating on me with many many girls. I was so torn apart, but I took him back. “I only did it when we were fighting” (which was a lie). A couple rocky weeks went by and we were finally starting to get back to normal again. Until I found out he was still cheating on me. How could he do this to me? I gave him everything, I fought for him harder than I have ever fought for myself. We were supposed to be in love. He was supposed to be my best friend.
A couple days after I found out he was cheating on me, we broke up. I can’t describe the pain I feel all over, I cant explain the emptiness I feel. I want him back more than anything. I wanna be home again.
I’m writing this to ask for advice. How can I heal myself? How can I make it easier for me? How do I keep myself from going back? because I don’t feel done. I don’t want us to be done forever.July 14, 2019 at 7:55 am #303259
Could you tell me how old you two were when you first got together and how old you two are now?
You mentioned both coming from broken families. In my experience this is where the healing starts from. Have you gotten any counseling or therapy? I strongly recommend that in order to have any kind of healthy relationship in your life.
I never trust anyone on their word when they say that they have changed. I look to see what actual work they have done.
You ask how you can get over this guy. Start by building a life for yourself, by yourself. Do you have a circle of friends? Do you have a social life? Do you have hobbies or passions you pursue? That is how you start getting on without someone.
July 14, 2019 at 8:10 am #303263
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Mark.
When we first got together, I was 14 and he was 13. I am now 19, and he is 17.July 14, 2019 at 9:08 am #303273
What do you think about what I said?
MarkJuly 14, 2019 at 1:44 pm #303275
I just want to pick up on a couple of points.
Your boyfriend, between the ages of 13 and 17, has attempted suicide twice. This is very, very sad. This is not your fault in any way whatsoever. When you think that he didn’t want to live ‘for you’ his attempted suicide makes it personal to you. This is not the case. He didn’t want to live for anyone, not even himself.
He has cheated on you several times. The man you have described as perfect and your best friend has done this to you and has then tried to dump the blame on to you: ‘we were fighting’ which you know is a lie.
You have tried several times to be together and it has not worked. Yet still you want him back. You haven’t had enough of his lies, his cheating, the pain of breaking up. You just want to be back with him so that you can feel “at home”, so that you can belong. You don’t feel done and you don’t want to be done forever.
Until you change this mindset, you will keep going back. Until you can say that you have had enough of his lies, his cheating and the pain of breaking up, you will keep going back. Until you can say that you will no longer accept the blame, you will keep going back. Until you can say that you do not belong with this imperfect man, you will keep going back. Until you can say that “home” with him is not a safe place to be, you will keep going back. Until you can say that you are done with him forever, you will keep going back.
Begin by changing your mindset regarding this person and as regards yourself perhaps you’d like to bear in mind that “if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got”.
I hope you find the strength to move on.
PeggyJuly 14, 2019 at 4:36 pm #303281
I think it was very helpful that you think I should seek out a therapist or counselor, I think that would benefit me in many ways. In regards to what you said about building a life, I have no issue building a life for me without him, but in the end I always end up wishing it was a life we shared together. I want him to want to be in it as well, but as a better man. I do find myself enjoying my time alone more than with anyone, but in the back of my mind is always him and I have a hard time letting go. I do not know how to let go.
GraceJuly 14, 2019 at 4:43 pm #303283
Letting go is one step at a time. A mindfulness practice will help. That would entail being fully aware of the present moment, with your senses atune with what is around you at that moment along with noticing your physical body sensations. Whenever you think of him and wish that you are with him, notice that desire and let it pass and go back to the present moment. It’s a practice. It’s not an instant magic bullet but it’s a good practice to do regardless.
It is setting your intention to move on. So focusing on building a life is about that life without him. It’s about focusing on that rather than focusing on your wish of having a life with him.
MarkJuly 15, 2019 at 1:15 pm #303459
You wrote, “Neither of us came from a complete family”. About your feeling of love for him you wrote, “I felt like I finally was home, like I could breathe again, like I was complete… I wanna be home again”-
– when we feel rejected and not part of a loving family of origin, it feels like being incomplete and not having a home, homeless and incomplete and sometimes it feels like not being able to breathe.
That “crazy in love” feeling is that desire for a home-feeling with another person, and the feeling, at times, that this desire has been satisfied. No better feeling.
He repeatedly cheated on you, and you asked, “How could he do this to me? I gave him everything”-
– unfortunately, when a child gets severely hurt in his home of origin, a later in life relationship, even in one’s second decade, does not fix this hurt, especially if he still lives with his parents, suffering the same rejection or aggression that he suffered early on.
If the two of you were to make it together, he would have to live away from his parents, no longer exposed to their rejection/ aggression, and same true for you. Then both of you will need to attend quality individual psychotherapy, some of the therapy will need to be couple therapy where a competent therapist teaches and guide the two of you how to communicate effectively and not mistreat each other in any way.
July 15, 2019 at 1:20 pm #303465
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
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