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Casual relationship turned serious

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  • #371769
    Dan
    Participant

    Hi people,

    I’ve been seeing this girl on and off for about the last 18 months. The relationship has always been casual, and there have even been a couple of times I thought we had ran our course and we would never see each other again, and there would be up to three months of a break. We always somehow ended up meeting again to spend the night together.

    We started hooking up again a few months ago. In that time we’ve only spent perhaps four or five nights together. However, after one of the last nights, something changed. The sex between us has always been absolute fire, which is why I believe we always came back to each other, but after that night the intimacy level between us skyrocketed. Something switched and solidified our connection to more than just casual.

    We spoke about this feeling, and discovered it was mutual, and left it at “let’s see how it goes” rather than rush into any decision making. The thing is, I now know I really want her to be my girlfriend.

    But now what it feels like, is that she seems to be doing push-pull on me lately. She’ll send me a snap or text, I’ll respond, she won’t respond, sometimes she’ll respond, sometimes she won’t, and so on and so forth. It feels like I’ve ended up in the situation where I’m the chaser. Which is extremely interesting to me because..

    With me being a student of psychology, I know exactly what is going on in my head. However, whilst I’m fully conscious of why I feel the way I do, it’s not something I can just turn off, because I fancy her like crazy. It’s good to know the how and why of the situation though, so I can self-analyse.

    The funny part is, this is a chick who didn’t show up to see me one night earlier in the year and I was like “ok then madam, I won’t be bothering with you again” and yet here I am on the polar opposite side of that idea.

    I could also be overthinking it. I mean it’s Christmas and she’s a single mum with 3 kids and was/is obviously busy, but if she’s trying to make me want her more, it’s really working. I’m starting to get concerned about the possibility of another guy having got her attention and it’s making me feel jealous. Of course, it would be none of my business, but it would hurt, because the less attention she gives me (which is becoming less) the more I want her. She posted a snap last night of her having boxing night drinks, I think (hope) at her sisters house and I felt butterflies and my heart beating faster at how beautiful she looked, and the worry of someone else getting her attention.

    For full disclosure, I am actively seeing another girl too. Neither know of the other, but no-one is being deceived, since everything is casual. However, I’m willing to be a one woman man to my main lady.

    At the minute I’m just trying my best not to turn into something ugly; a little needy whiney b***h. I don’t want to text anything stupid like “you seem so distant lately” or any of that nonsense. Instead I think I’m going to do the opposite and go radio silence. Perhaps she’s just getting Christmas over with and she’ll get back to me, or perhaps not. At least either way I’ll know.

    Anyone got any happy thoughts or ideas for me please?

    #371783
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    Welcome back, it’s been more than 13 months since you posted last, having posted last before the pandemic, seems like a lifetime ago.

    “after one of the last nights.. the intimacy level between us skyrocketed. Something switched and solidified our connection to more than casual. We spoke about this feeling, and discovered it was mutual, and left it at ‘let’s see how it goes’.. For full disclosure, I am actively seeing another girl too.. everything is casual”-

    – I don’t understand:

    (1) You already saw how it went: the intimacy skyrocketed and the connection solidified,  and she agreed, so what was the “let’s see how it goes” about?

    (2) Since the intimacy skyrocketed and the connection was solidified, why did you continue a casual relationship with her (and with another woman)?

    anita

    #371788
    Dan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you, yes it’s been a long time, and a crazy year. Let’s hope reality goes back to normal soon.

    It’s a very good point you’ve highlighted in that I already saw how it went. I just didn’t think it was the right time to make it exclusive. I thought that asking her right away would be too much and was probably thinking along the lines of “playing it cool”. Perhaps that wasn’t a wise thing to do.

    I only continued the other casual relationship because of the simple fact that I’m still a free agent. It does come back to your previous observation though in that maybe I should not have waited around to ask the one I’m falling for.

    Although I did have a motive for waiting. I got her a necklace for Christmas and was hoping to see her over this period so that I could give it to her and then when we were enjoying each others company, ask her for relationship exclusivity.

    I still hope this scenario happens. But all I can really do now is withdraw from contacting her unless she contacts me.

    Danny.

    #371791
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    You are welcome. Better be sincere in an intimate relationship instead of playing it cool, although containing one’s emotions to one extent or another is often wise. I hope your hoped-for scenario happens in the next few days, and I hope to read about it when it does. Hope to read from you again anytime.

    anita

    #371793
    Dan
    Participant

    Anita,

    I know she’s busy and I hope, as well as the scenario, that I’ve just been overthinking it and she’s just been busy with the kids at Christmas.

    I also don’t even mind if she’s doing this on purpose, knowing that her absence will make me want her more, and then when we do have that chat and make it exclusive, she’ll know I’m very much invested in the relationship.

    I’ll let you know what happens.

    Danny.

    #371794
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    I imagine a single mother of three kids would be busy any day, let alone during the end of the year holidays. I wish you a Happy New Year, and a healthy, intimate and exclusive relationship this coming year. I wish your son a good year ahead as well. I will look forward to your update.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by anita.
    #371911
    Dan
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your kind words. I wish you well.

    Earlier today she put some snap videos on her story of her out walking by the sea and the coast with her kids. I commented to her that it looked nice. Then I followed that message up with “I hope everything is ok with you babe but if it’s not, tell me if there’s anything I can do to help xxx” … The reason I said this was because she put up a quote on her story the other night, something like “My face may show happiness but inside I don’t know what’s going on”.. She removed it by the next morning, so she doesn’t think I saw it, but I was able to read it without having actually clicked into the story.

    I just didn’t like being in limbo not knowing what was going to happen with us or where her head is at. So I decided to let her know I’m here for her, and left the ball well and truly in her court. I want to discuss things with her so bad, but it’s not something I want to do digitally. It’s gotta be face to face.

    #371914
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    You are welcome. I think that it’s a good thing you reached out to her. I wonder why you didn’t ask her about that particular quote, saying something like: I read the quote you had the other night, about your face showing happiness but inside you don’t know what’s going on. I want to know what’s going on inside you… can we get together and talk?

    How long ago did you send her that message?

    anita

    #371915
    Dan
    Participant

    Anita,

    I sent that message about 8 hours ago and she read it about 4 hours ago. I’ve been thinking I should have asked her to meet, and that I had something important I wanted to discuss. But there’s no point worrying about that now.

    As for your suggestion, it’s a good suggestion, but also not something I would want to mention digitally. If I was to say to her that I saw that quote over text, at a time when I’m worried ab0ut her and unsure when I’ll see her again, it could make my anxiety worse… Although the psychology student in me tells me I’m overthinking and even avoiding confrontation.

    The quote is, however, something I’d consider raising when I’m having an intimate face to face conversation with her.

    #371916
    Dan
    Participant

    Also, I can’t be sure of this but she might realise from my message that I sense something is up with her.

    She has replied to me before, even within the last month, apologising that it took her a while to get back to me, that she was busy with the kids etc. So it could just be the fact that I’m so much more attracted to her now that makes me miss her more than usual.

    #371918
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    Clearly, the two of you need to communicate more, to put it all  out there. It’s no longer.. cool, at this age, at this time, to be anything but honest and open about what is going on, including the anxiety you mentioned (“it could make my anxiety worse”).

    She read your message and didn’t answer four hours after, and it is mid-morning your time, I think. Single mothers of three children have to be extremely busy in mid-morning. But waiting is difficult, isn’t it.

    anita

    #371950
    Dan
    Participant

    She never responded at all. There are only a few possible reasons for this..

    1. She has some personal problems she’s dealing with.

    2. For some reason, she is no longer interested in me.

    3. She is interested, but is waiting on me to make the move (however, I want this to be face to face)

    The most frustrating thing at the minute is that I wold have really liked to be going in to the new year with her as my girlfriend.

    #371961
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    I am sorry that you didn’t get a response from her. Regarding the first possibility you brought up: if she “has some personal problems she’s dealing with”- why would she choose to not ask for your input/ help with her personal problems, after all, the two of you were very personal, naked and all, do you know?

    anita

    #371965
    Dan
    Participant

    I’m not entirely sure why Anita. Perhaps it’s a pride thing. Perhaps it’s something she wants to keep to herself. Perhaps she will talk about it with me but just not yet. Perhaps it’s about me and it’s difficult to approach me about it.

    It’s the not knowing what’s going on or where I stand that’s killing me. I just want to see her and talk to her.

    #371969
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    You wrote: “It’s the not knowing what’s going on…”-

    – maybe there is more to know in elaborating on what you shared in your original post: “after one of the last nights, something changed… the intimacy level between us skyrocketed. Something switched and solidified our connection to more than just casual. We spoke about this feeling, and discovered it was mutual”-

    – what was said in that discussion, what did you way, what did she say?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 42 total)

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