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Casual relationship turned serious

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  • #371978
    Dan
    Participant

    She left my place that day and then later on that evening I texted her my thoughts about the previous night. I can’t recall word for word what we said but it was along the lines of me telling her that I felt the level of intimacy significantly increase between us, and she said she felt it too. Then we agreed to see how it goes. I didn’t want to ask her to be my girlfriend at that exact moment because it would have felt like I was asking just for the sake of it (probably should have though).

    Another reason for my current situation could be that she got impatient waiting for me to bring up the discussion. But I wanted to wait until Christmas time so it was more intimate, meaningful and emotional.

    #371980
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    In your original post you shared that after that night, “something changed… the intimacy level between us skyrocketed. Something switched and solidified our connection.. We spoke about this feeling, and discovered it was mutual”-

    – I was so impressed by the strong words you used (the italicized), that I assumed that the conversation between the two of you happened in bed, following the sexual experience, and that it was a deep, thorough conversation where discoveries were made (matching the verb discovered that you used).

    In your most recent post you indicated that the conversation was not at all as I assumed it was, that it was an exchange over text, one that did not involve an in-depth, thorough discovery (being it was over text . This fits with the second part of your recent post, where you suggested that it is possible that she “got impatient waiting” (for you to bring up a discussion about intimacy, one that didn’t yet happen, really), moving the relationship along from the context of hookups to the context of a bf-gf relationship.

    I want to bring up a few quotes from your previous threads that may shed some light on your current predicament- Feb 2014: “I’ve been angry so long that it has become a part of me”, Sept 2014: “I know I haven’t truly & fully let go of that anger & hate”, Jan 2015: “I also think all the hate I’ve been harbouring has been stopping the right woman coming onto my life… I want to be truly happy & find the woman of my dreams. I know it’s not  possible to do that whilst harbouring hate”, Jan 2017: “somewhere deep inside that craving for revenge.. will linger”, Oct 2018: “Deep down part of me still wants revenge”, Nov 2018: “I’m already a bachelor, and I intend to be forever”, May 2019: “I don’t have the dark cloud of burning rage of 2014 still hanging over me”-

    – Maybe some part of that dark cloud is still there, hanging over you, keeping you from having a healthy, emotionally intimate, trusting relationship.. ?

    anita

    #372019
    Dan
    Participant

    Even though the conversation was over text, we then felt that increased intimacy the next time we met up a few weeks ago.

    You could be right about something deep inside holding me back. I’m no longer in the mindset that I once was, but the pain of that time hit so hard that it wouldn’t be very surprising if there was residual pain within my soul.

    Having said that, my girl got in contact with me last night. I was right about her having some personal things going on. She sent me a picture of her glass of champagne and I sent back a picture of mine with that caption “Same to you beautiful xxx” then a little later she text me and literally said “Thanks babe.. I’ve had some things going on lately, that’s why I haven’t been in contact, sorry xx”

    This has alleviated some of my concerns. I still haven’t seen her yet obviously, but I will. And then when we do meet up, we can have that chat about relationship exclusivity. I’d be very surprised if she doesn’t expect this conversation to arise.

    #372021
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    I agree with you, that “the pain of that time hit so hard that it wouldn’t be very surprising if there was residual pain within my soul”, so pay attention to that residual pain as it may intensify as you proceed with this woman.

    The recent communication with her is positive and promising and I am glad that it alleviated some of your concerns, but again, pay attention to the residual pain and anger, so that the anger does not harm this potential beginning of an intimate and exclusive relationship.

    Happy New Year, Danny!

    anita

    #372027
    Dan
    Participant

    I don’t see any residual pain intensifying in fact I see it softening even more. In the last 6 years I’ve turned away from up to 10 potential relationships with girls. One of which, during 2018, I came to really regret, but she had moved on to someone else. I was too late.

    This time I’ve been giving this a lot more consideration. I miss not being with her, and have even had butterflies on occasion when thinking about her (something I didn’t think you could get after 25 years old haha). I’m quite confident that the next time we meet, aside from any potential conversation, how we feel upon meeting and embracing, will tell all.

    Happy New Year Anita

    #372028
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    “the next time we meet, aside from any potential conversation, how we feel upon meeting and embracing, will tell all”- overall, beyond the moment, as you proceed with her, and otherwise, combine conversation and feeling. There is an equation:

    Wise Mind= Rational Mind + Emotional Mind.

    Thank you and may 2021 be a good year for you and me, and for every person who is reading this post.

    anita

    #373032
    Dan
    Participant

    I still haven’t seen her face to face, unfortunately.

    I told told her yesterday over text that I want her more than I want anyone else, and asked her if she’d met someone else.

    She said she hasn’t met anyone else, but that she didn’t want to be serious with anyone at the minute.

    So that’s where I’m at. I do have bigger problems in my life but this still does hurt a bit.

    However, I’ve laid my cards on the table. That might not be a good thing, because when one person has the upper hand, it can affect the dynamic going forward, but there’s no taking it back now.

    #373033
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dan:

    “I’ve laid my cards on the table. That might not be a good thing, because when one person has the upper hand, it can affect the dynamic going forward, but there’s no taking it back now”-

    – you did the healthy thing: you told her the truth, that you want her more than you want anyone else. I say you did the healthy thing because a healthy relationship is built on telling each other how we truly feel. To worry about having the upper or lower hand- that is fitting war, not love. In war one side wins, the other side loses.

    It is true that lots of supposedly loving relationships between romantic partners are war-relationship, often passive aggressive back and forth,  one side has the upper hand at one time,  the other side has the upper hand at another time, back and forth. But in those relationships, overall- both sides lose. Both sides lose because both sides wear each other down, making each other weaker, less than we could be.

    Love builds, war destroys.

    I hope you feel better soon, understanding that you did the right thing for yourself, a step in the right direction, whether it will be with her or with another woman.

    anita

    #373977
    Dan
    Participant

    It’s almost comical that I’m a qualified student of human behaviour yet I went and lead myself down the path of no return with this girl, despite me knowing better. My attraction and increasingly strengthening feelings for her came to the point where I made the mistakes I should not have made. My heart overruled my head.

    Generally when people say they just don’t want to be serious with anyone right now, what they really mean is not with you. Harsh, but 99% of the time it’s true. I’ve even been the one saying this many times to various girls I was seeing, whilst the truth was that I’m always open if the right girl came along, but no-one is ever that honest in those circumstances now, are they.

    I believe she’s almost certainly getting attention elsewhere. She’s a very attractive blonde so there’s no doubt about that. The last time we text was last Thursday when I asked if she was free on Friday night. She said she actually might be free that evening for a few hours. I told her cool let me know and I’ll come and collect you. She never got back to me. She was also free all weekend as her kids go to the father once a month. Meaning she was doing whatever with whoever, and it wasn’t me. It’s almost like she’s making it clear without saying anything.

    Although we aren’t friends on Facebook, her relationship status has went from “single” to “no relationship info to show”.

    I realised the other day that I haven’t actually seen her in 2 months. So I’ve obviously decided that as much as it hurts and I hate having to let go and move on from a girl when I feel so strongly about them, it needs to  be done. I will not contact her again. If she contacts me on Snapchat (our usual method) I won’t reciprocate, whereas I’d normally compliment her or whatever.

    I decided at the turn of the month it’s gotta be total radio silence… Not to try and get a response or anything, just that there’s no point chasing anymore. It may make her come back some day, it may not, but I’m just gunna proceed with life regardless.

    Just trying not to get spiritually angry with her at the minute. I sort of feel like “You little b*tch!”.. although that could maybe help me get over her

    #373988
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    I noticed that I addressed you with Dan the last time, I want to address you consistently as Danny.

    “no-one is ever that honest in those circumstances now, are they”- hardly anyone is that honest when rejecting an interested suitor or breaking up with a boyfriend/ girlfriend, so to get the thing (rejection/ breaking up) done the easiest way possible for the one doing the thing.

    Thursday you asked her if she’d be free Friday, she said she might be free that evening, you told her to let you know, and she never called you back that Thursday or throughout the weekend, even though her kids were with her ex that weekend-

    – yes, that’s a definite No, I am Not Interested. I agree that it is best that you don’t contact her anymore, that you don’t chase her (“no point chasing anyone”!)

    I understand your hurt and anger. It is always hurtful to be rejected by someone you are interested in. Plus, she kept you waiting for that call Thursday- that was rude of her.

    I am sorry, Danny.

    anita

    #373991
    Dan
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, you’re always so sympathetic and caring.

    I think it’s my own fault anyway. After we both agreed back in October/November that the intimacy levels had increased between us, it wasn’t too long before some of my behaviours became a turn off. I didn’t become totally “needy” but I wasn’t the cool guy I always am. I became somewhat infatuated with her and I’m sure it showed.

    That’s the point where the person on the receiving end of that love and affection starts to pull away. They know they have you if they want you, and their attraction for you drops. I’ve been on that receiving end before, so it’s almost tragically poetic that I’m now on the opposite side of that.

    I think if she was going through some things I’d understand her wanting space, but if you’re into someone, you don’t reduce and then cut contact with them, no matter how hard you’ve got it. You still communicate, because well, you’re into them.

    It may not be over forever, and arguably nothing existed in the first place for anything to BE over, as we’ve never been exclusive, but if she was off seeing someone else and decided to come back to me at some point, I think I’d feel some pretty strong resentment for both her and whoever she was with. In fact the idea gives me those feelings now.

    Anyways, I’m not letting it mess with my goals and career and aspirations and dreams.

    #373995
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Danny:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.

    “I wasn’t the cool guy I always am. I became somewhat infatuated with her and I’m sure it showed”- I think that a man showing his infatuation with a woman is a very attractive thing, I can’t think of anything more attractive. Like I wrote to you earlier, a love relationship should be about..  love, not about appearances, games and power.

    “They know they have you if they want to, and their attraction for you drops”- that’s true for men and women who want to have/ own/ possess another. It is not true for those who want a fair, respectful give-and-take love relationship where no one owns or possesses the other person.

    “if she was off seeing someone else and decided to come back to me at some point, I think I’d feel some pretty strong resentment for both her and whoever she was with. In fact the idea gives me those feelings now”- I guess she is no longer an option.

    “I’m not letting it mess with my goals and career and aspirations and dreams”- good to read this. One of your dreams is a love relationship, I figure (?)

    anita

    #374478
    Dan
    Participant

    It has hit me quite hard in the last couple of days. I’m really feeling the burn of rejection and heartbreak.

    But I’ve just discovered this term “Unrequited Love” last night, and now that I know what I’m suffering from, I think now I have a point from which I can start to rationalize it and try to make sense of all. Having discovered a name for what I’m experiencing seems to have alleviated the burn, at least for now.

    Basically, my initial thoughts are, “ok, so this is an Unrequited Love, this is a chapter I’m going through, this is simply going to turn in to a story based on my first experience of this”

    I downloaded some books that are apparently relative and helpful for heartbreak.. “The Alchemist” and “Tiny Beautiful Things” and I’m also reading The Art of Seduction.

    I’m happy that I’ve found this term Unrequited Love to meditate on and explore.

    #374483
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dan:

    I am glad you found the term Unrequited Love. You mentioned Tiny Beautiful Things, a book published by Cheryl Strayed in 2012. Here is a quote from the book that inspires me, and that I think applies to to me, to you and to everyone else:

    “Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal”!

    anita

    #374519
    Dan
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, that’s a great quote and I’m looking forward to getting stuck into this book.

    I wonder if it would be a stupid move to send flowers or something to her for Valentine’s Day. I mean, in my head it would be a be-all-and-end-all last ditch attempt at winning her over.

    Although the other side of me is also very aware that I still have the Christmas present I never got to give to her, and here I am considering buying more stuff.

    Any thought on this idea?

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 42 total)

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