Anita,

Thank you so much you caring soul! I was thinking about you too actually, and your kind words and the quotes you shared with me.

She’s still on my mind but it’s been eased a little bit thanks to this new lady I’m talking to and have a first date with on Friday night. I know some might consider it too soon and all that, but I need this distraction, and I’m not going to deceive anyone.

Thank you Anita.

I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.

The girl I met the other night was as loose as I am, and we did had sex right through to about 7am after getting p*ssed together.

Something interesting to note about the evening however, was that I found myself comparing her to the other girl I messed up with. This was new to me, I don’t recall ever thinking about someone else whilst I was with a girl, but in a way it kind of makes sense since she had been on my mind so much recently.

Whilst this girl was nice and talkative and bubbly, on a few occasions I couldn’t help imagining how much I wanted it to be the other girl sitting there, and how different they are. For me, the other girl oozes more sex appeal than most if not all other girls I’ve been with, in her persona, mannerisms and even her accent. I shouldn’t have took that sh*t for granted.

Even the sex, whilst it was fine, was nowhere near as good as with the other girl. The girl from the other night was even slightly prudish in some respects, although some of that’s most likely because she’s not long out of an 8 year relationship in which sex had probably become rather mundane. It was fine, but not the best I’ve ever had (that credit goes to the other girl).

I’ve got a feeling this could potentially be the case as I go through multiple more girls (I know that doesn’t sound very honourable but I don’t lie to or deceive anyone).

Despite all that, it was still the essential distraction I very much needed.

Out of the blue the girl I was hurt by popped back up last night on Snapchat. She had removed me or deleted her own account or whatever, because somehow I just got a random notification saying “(Girl) has accepted your request” even though I hadn’t sent one.

It was of course, a bit of a surprise. Very soon after, she then put a cryptic quote on her story that said ” If you understand how frequently people cope by projecting, you would learn to take absolutely nothing personally” and this was 100% posted for my attention.

I then looked at “projecting” a bit, and I have to say it’s an interesting psychological theory / concept. One I’ll look into further, for personal interest. It could be much bigger than we realise, since it’s generally unconscious. Real deep stuff.

In terms of me not taking her withdrawal personally, I didn’t. At least not from the perspective of it being purposely done to hurt me. But even though I don’t take it personally in that sense, it was very personal to me because it hit me quite a dig, so is that still me taking it personally?

As for her “projecting”, it’s not like that explains much. It’s an extremely broad term, and could mean projecting one of, or many things. So I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to make of this piece of information other than there’s a somewhat vague explanation for her disappearance during a time in which I wanted her more than ever.

I don’t know what will come of this and I don’t know if I want anything to come of this. Perhaps she’s just come back to give me this indirect explanation and she’ll be off again. Perhaps she’s better now and wants to reconcile. But even though in the back of my mind I secretly hoped and imagined she’d be back at some stage, I’ve grieved for this relationship. I’ve felt and expelled the hurt already, and even if there was a reconciliation, a big question on my mind is, would I feel the same way I did in the lead up to Christmas when I was all besotted and emotional about her. It’s like, sadly that important moment has passed.

Anyways, I’m not sure what to do about this. Part of me wants to reach out but part of me wants her to reach out to me.

This girl I’d been torn over a couple of months ago popped back up last night (this was three weeks ago) on Snapchat. She had removed me or deleted her own account or whatever, because somehow I just got a random notification saying “(Girl) has accepted your request” even though I hadn’t sent one.

It was of course, a bit of a surprise. Very soon after, she then put a cryptic quote on her story that said ” If you understand how frequently people cope by projecting, you would learn to take absolutely nothing personally” and this was 100% posted for my attention.

I then looked at “projecting” a bit, and I have to say it’s an interesting psychological theory / concept. One I’ll look into further, for personal interest. It could be much bigger than we realise, since it’s generally unconscious. Deep shit.

So after last weekend, me and my coquette lady who broke my heart planned to spend next Friday together, (tonight). I was excited about it all week and we texted a few times during the week. She affirmed yesterday she was still free Friday and I said cool tell me what time you’d like me to come and collect you. Then this afternoon she told me she was meeting her cousin for dinner and she could meet me afterwards (she meets this cousin almost every time she’s free).

The thing is, she never met me tonight, and it annoyed me more than I care to admit. This isn’t the first time she’d met this cousin and was supposed to meet up with me but didn’t. I’m thinking, why would you say “I’m free Friday” when it seems I wasn’t set to be your first priority that evening?

The main reason I’m expressing this is because, here I am, after spending one night together a week ago after a 5 month hiatus, allowing myself to become emotional about this girl. I haven’t figured out why this feeling arose, but it could be one of, or a multitude of, quite a few things…

First off, I’m definitely annoyed that it was supposed to be a date and then all of a sudden someone else takes priority.

I could be jealous that she chose to spend all night with her cousin instead of eventually coming to meet me.

I might be irritated that I have experienced this before with her and it’s happened again.

It could be that I’ve felt and expelled heartbreak over this girl already and here I am feeling annoyed with her again.

Perhaps all of the above.

Maybe I’m overthinking, but I can’t help but wonder if this is all part of some long-game where she’s sneaked back into my life then start playing the push pull game again? I guess I would find that out in the near future through how things go.

Ultimately, I’m happy to see her again, but I don’t want that to be at the cost of more hurt (actually, it seems I don’t care about the hurt). I’m strong as fuck, but with this girl, let’s say if she turned around and told me she fucked a guy last night, it would affect me intensely. So that must mean I love her or some shit right?

Life is interesting, that’s for sure.