Girl, I relate to everything you wrote. It’s like you’re talking about me honestly, almost all of it. I don’t even know how to start cause I have a lot to say. Btw, I’m 22.

In the past, I had a bf (my first ‘real’ relationship) that was … a mommy’s boy, idk. I hated that. So, my ex bf was meeting all my ‘standards’… like, he had no girls he talked to, he deleted his fb for me, things like these…He adored me, loved me…Before I decided to have a relationship with him I wasn’t sure what to do cause I wasn’t atttacted to him and didn’t like his looks that much (but I helped him become a better version of himself from this point of view) ..I accepted to be with him in spite of this, only because he made me feel important, adored, loved no matter what and because he listened to me in the sense that he would stop talking to someone if that was what I wanted….We had a lot of fights because I didn’t want him to go out with his friends…We were kinda long distance too.But it became a problem only after college or in the summer holiday cause he had to go back home…It’s a lot I want to share with you, I may even forget some of the things I wanted to say. The thing is I feel our situations are similar in a way and I understand you.

Now, back to a question you asked…it’s not even a thing of the right/wrong person…There is much more to it….When you stop obssessing over him ….you’ll still want affection…You can’t stop yourself from wanting that…It’s perfectly normal. And you’ll be like ‘okay, you can’t give me that and I’m not happy compromising like this and I think it’s better to break up”…not in a dramatic sense, you won’t be fearful or wanting to be with him no matter how unhappy you are…

The same as you,in my last relationship I just didn’t know what is right or wrong….because he got that idea that I’m always wrong thay he didn’t even bother with me anymore…he would never ever admit anything…and I just didn’t know when I have the right to be mad and when not..

He told me how my behaviour affects him…I read a lot of articles because I wanted to understand myself and to change… In my heart I knew I was unhappy but couldn’t let him go. Before our breakup, we had another kind of break up. We fought and he told me he realized that he’s better off without me and was so sure of his decision and I panicked so much, like never in my life and somehow I talked him out of it. From that moment….something clicked…and it kind of changed me.. but still it wasn’t enough. I learnt a lot of things from that relationship, it wasn’t something specific that I did to change (I’m still not perfect but I’m more…rational I think, and understanding)…It was a chain of events and realizations and feelings and much reading about this stuff…

I know what you mean by that. When I’m single I’m the same because I don’t put so much worth on everything a boy I talk to does…and I don’t care cause we’re not in a relationship. But once I get in a relationship, don’t know why, it changes for me. I feel like I need to control him, to make him give me everything that I want, like he’s there only to provide me with all the attention, affection that I want. Now I understand why you want to stay with him, so you can see for real if you have changef or not,cause when you’re single you can’t tell because there aren’t any situations that trigger that kind of behaviour. That was what I was thinking too when I was with him, and it’s true only like that you can surely tell.

Anyway, after my breakup I also realised a lot of things. And I think I’m changed. Again, not 100% (I don’t even want to be … like another person) but I am. After my breakup, I had another short term relationship with someone who couldn’t show any affection to me, didn’t like when I showed affection to him, keeping things from me…(I know he doesn’t have to tell me everything….I didn’t force him anyway…but in a relationship when it’s real you want to tell everything to the other person…anyway I know it wasn’t something ‘real’), he didn’t really talk to me, he was always unsatisfied with what I did…he made me feel so stressed. Anyway, I broke up with him because this was clearly not what I wanted. Now I feel that I want to be single until I find a right person. I’m glad I feel this, because until now I always felt the need to be with someone, to get someone’s attention.

Before havin this short term relationship, I realized that I used boys to make me feel good about myself because I lacked self-confidence. Like I was always expecting from my bf to make me feel good about myself and tell me exactly what I wanted to hear and be there everytime that I want not caring about what his plans are and not being understanding. This is not healthy and thank God I’m over that phase, I don’t overreact or exaggerate anymore. BUT that doesn’t mean that I have to accept some behaviours that are generally not okay….And I won’t do that because that’s not the point….

I couldn’t totally change while being in a relationship with him, but maybe you can do it.

Dear H:

You wrote: “i’m not saying they didn’t love me. they just didn’t show/say it”- for a person to be loved, that love must be shown. If it is not shown, not expressed, then it … fails delivery.

It is like you ordering pizza and it is never delivered. You don’t get to eat it if it is not delivered. Maybe the delivery driver intended to deliver, maybe he thought: I really want this customer to enjoy this pizza. But if the driver fails to deliver the pizza to you, you don’t get to taste it, to smell it, to eat it, no matter his intent, his thoughts and his feelings.

No wonder, to me, that you are so jealous in the context of a romantic relationship, jealous at the guy paying attention to anyone else: you got so little loving attention, that you are afraid every bit of a loving-like attention he gives someone else, is taking away from you.

It is also not strange to me that you are jealous and distressed only in the context of a romantic relationship. It triggers the distress you experienced in the context of a relationship with your mother and/ or your father.

anita