We can reassure ourselves that perhaps in the future when all of this passes. Things might change for the better. And be thankful for the good things that conflict has brought. It has been nice getting to know Peter, Lucidity and Tee more. It is nice to see you here again Yana. ❤️

I don’t believe that true compassion can be attained if it does not include self-compassion. Giving compassion to others at the expense of ourselves, regardless of the reason that happens to justify it in our mind, is compassion like to the other whilst being an over or under extension into ourselves. Compassion is the balance bwtween what we give outwards and what we have inwards. Anything else is off balance and sets of a reactionary chain of events that hurts whoever it was that performed the act.

This is captured in Attachment Theory where the bonds we form with others in social interaction mean that life is filtered in a certain thro our eyes as conforming our beliefs about ourselves. Theres secure attachment which is supposed to be ideal and outside of that there is anxious, avoidant and disorganised. A secure person would consider what the cost is to themselves and take that into account in their decision os whether they want to do something that looks compassionate and kind. If they didnt take that into consideration initially, then experiencing the outcome of their actions would inform whether they would do it again, or how they would do it again, and so they would reassess their boundries.

In the Vedic school of thought, this is a question of finding our dharma and the play between karma, and kriya. An act thro kriya is when you take the right action at the right time to the right degree and aligns with dharmic action. It considers not taking an action as an action as well. One done outside of this balance leads to karma where we experiences consequences for our action. Karma is suffering. Kriya is not.

And for sure, we cant expect everyone in a group to commit to being equally vulnerable, equally present, equally understanding. We can hold space for this and practise it ourseles to the capacity we do. We can act respectfully while respecting ourselves whatever that may look like to us but if we don’t respect ourselves and self-sacrifuce, this is noted by others. Its opens doors to how it can be used to manipulate and exploit us, it can be seen as a sign of weakness by others and be judged, it can reveal different degrees of alliances that we have with different group members. Any social act is a political one; its reputation enhancement, its wanting to be seen as considerate. Then theres reacting because of how we are feeling and that being taken as a communicative signal to others – we can signal unintentionaly to others that we are displeased or we can do it intentionally, and if intentionally, then what is the intention? Is it that we want thr other person to stop doing it, is it because we are manipulating others to see things as we do?

Conflict is an inescapable truth of life and not dealing with it well holds us back in life. It must be dealt with. Not conronting it at all is avoidant behaviour. Confronting it immediately is an anxious pattern. Confronting it securely – what does that look like? I’m guessing that its in dealing with it gratiously within a reasonable timeframe. Its in having hard conversations that may feel critical and blaming but doing it kindly. Outside of that, we don’t have control on the how others will respond.

Hi Everyone

Something I have been thinking about recently is a responsibility to manage our own feelings.

One of the difficulties with C-PTSD is sensitivity, hyper vigilance. I find that my C-PTSD and Autism combine to create feelings that don’t accurately reflect reality.

Things can be more painful than they would be if these conditions weren’t present.

It is important to me to acknowledge this disparity. And to try to act in a healthy way by soothing myself and managing situations in appropriate ways, as opposed to being based on my feelings.

Realistically, internet drama is a very low tier issue.

Redirecting to the actual issues. My C-PTSD and autism helps me to feel more comfortable because I know how to deal with that. ❤️

I don’t know about being wise. 😊 I just have had really good therapists and have been lucky enough to meet some wise and kind people. I try my best to remember everything that people teach me, even if I don’t understand it at the time.

I find that life is like an esoteric book. Sometimes I don’t understand things. In time and with experience, it starts to make sense. Memory is a precious tool to rely on. In time, advise people have given me clicks into place.

Hmm well, I’ve been there myself. It’s not an easy process getting out of these habits. I think the most important thing is getting therapy and of course, to treat yourself kindly. It’s a journey and I feel like I’m always learning new things to work on. No matter where you are on the journey, to me if you’re trying your best that is good enough. Mistakes happen, it is what you do afterwards that matters. Trying to make amends is an important part in the process for me.

I also find having good experiences and maintaining relationships with people who have had similar difficulties and done their best to fight their way through it is important for healing too. ❤️

Hi Lucidity

Yes, I totally agree regarding apologies. Like you said, it’s as much for me as it is for the other person. Self-compassion is very much central.

I know that I have difficulties with being blamed. I tend to take it to heart and reflect on it because I care. It is easy to go too hard on myself. It is not something that people necessarily see either because I hide it. So what people can perceive as aloofness is just me hiding how I feel.

I know that when I struggled more with conflict it was difficult to reflect on my own mistakes. It was painful and I blamed myself a lot. I think a lot of people avoid reflecting for this reason. Learning from my mistakes, trying my best not to repeat them and making amends is really all I can do to handle things in a healthy way. I realised that blaming myself harshly was just a cycle of self-abuse, it does no good.

I think that is honestly fair. There is no need to put yourself through unnecessary suffering. 😊

Hmm my answer is that I guess that I have come to see that blaming others is just as harmful as blaming ourselves. One hand washes the other. Can we honestly say that we can offer ourselves compassion if we can’t offer it to others?

Also, I find anger and stress generally harmful. It’s best for me to let it go rather than hold a grudge. Offering apologies and forgiveness is helpful in letting these feelings go.

That being said, I agree that things need to be reciprocal and there is no need to remain in contact if someone is genuinely harmful to be around, or if they simply don’t want to be in contact.

❤️

Hi everyone
I’m also finding this discussion helpful as I explore the tension between the concepts of ‘triggering’ and forgiveness.

When I first encountered the idea of trigger warnings, I understood them as a compassionate gesture, an invitation for those who are aware of their wounds to choose whether they’re ready to engage. That made sense to me. But it also raised a question: what about those who aren’t yet aware of their triggers? What responsibility does the community carry then?

This is where I struggle…

To be candid, my personal view is that the individual holds primary responsibility for their triggers. I realize that may sound harsh, and I don’t mean it to dismiss anyone’s pain. (I suspect this view originates with my father…)

It’s just that I’ve come to see triggers not as something others cause, but as something within me that gets revealed. I sometimes picture it like walking around with a loaded weapon, if someone bumps into me and it goes off, it’s not their fault I was carrying around a “loaded weapon”. That image helps me take ownership of my healing. I also find this perspective empowering though I know I don’t always feel that way in the moment. (Copilot suggested I soften the image but that would not be honest as I can’t seem to separate the association of trigger from weapon. That is something I’m continue to self examine.)

Today, when I notice a trigger, I see it as an opportunity to understand myself better and to care for the wound that was touched. In that sense, triggering can be a gift, even if it doesn’t feel like one at first.

Another difficulty with this forum is the sensitive nature this space and the vulnerability of its users.