Completely broken and confused

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 5 months ago by Peggy.

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June 29, 2019 at 7:04 am #301337
Natalie
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I was with him for nearly 2 years. And I’ll say this; I knew from the beginning that I’d probably end up feeling this way in the end, but I fell in love. A love I’ve never felt, a love that was completely selfless, a love I thought was worthy of reciprocity. I was wrong.

From the beginning he told me he had his doubts. He’d break up with me saying he wasn’t ready, of course I’d respect his decision and I’d let him go. He’d come back a day or so later telling me what a huge mistake he’d made and we’d get on with life. During the first few months of our relationship I’d find him messaging other women (he would actually be open and tell me the truth, he said he felt guilty.) But he always had his doubts every few months or so he’d tell me he wanted to be single, but each time he’d tell me he didn’t want to lose me. 5 months into our relationship he received an offer to work out of state. He took it, and of course….I supported him every step of the way. I never complained that he didn’t call for days, I didn’t complain when he’d post on social media and neglect to contact me, never. And would you believe me if I said that every time he did call I didn’t nag or bring up how I was feeling neglected? I didn’t want to burden him and I wanted him to know my love was unconditional and understanding. When he returned home after 3 months, we moved in together. It was amazing. He was good to me, he told me I was going to be his future wife, and I finally felt like all of my efforts paid off. He loved me back. I was HAPPY. But he still wasn’t. He would get mad at me for tiny things, over eating fast food and not going to the gym, over letting the dog in the room and giving him allergies, over being too tried after work to go out. Over allowing my sister to, in his words “speak to me rudely,” basically everything. So I did what I do best, I tried to change everything for him. I went to the gym, I didn’t allow my dog to sleep inside anymore. He still wasn’t happy. He left for work again, and I’d feel a little relief. I didn’t have someone looking over my shoulder, being mean just for the heck of it. I’d miss him like crazy though. I loved him. This went on for a year, and a few weeks ago he left once again. At first it was like every other time. He’d tell me how much he loved me, how I was his future, the best he’s ever had. But something changed. He called me crying, saying that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore that I didn’t deserve the way he treated me and that I would be happier without him. That I’d be able to find someone who will marry me and start a family with me. He asked me for a favor, and then told me “You’ll be okay.” And I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been a week of hell. I feel so worthless. I gave him everything I had to give, and I wasn’t enough. I’m hurt, lost, betrayed, if he didn’t love me, and I gave him all I had to give, why would anyone else? How to I go on from this? How do I forgive this, how do I forgive myself for not being enough? Please help. I’m losing hope.
- This topic was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Natalie.
June 29, 2019 at 7:25 am #301345

Mark
Participant

Natalie,

I am sorry for your pain. You are going through this transition of loss (again). How do you go on from this? This is the period of grief. Be gentle with yourself. Nurture yourself. Be OK with sitting with your pain, your grief.

When you find your way on the other end of that tunnel then work on ways of loving yourself by acknowledging that you are enough. When things don’t work out, there is a reason for that. It just means that you two are not compatible. As you noted in the first line of your post, he had his doubts. You experienced having to look over your shoulder for blame and meanness “just for the heck of it.” Those are not behaviors or signs of a healthy relationship. To try to be somebody else for another person means that you don’t find yourself good enough. There is where your work needs to be, to love yourself. Your (our) worth is not dependent on another person.

Find yourself a therapist, not only to get through this transition but also to start working on yourself. anita is very good at probing people’s family of origin to ascertain where this sense of unworthiness comes from.

Take care,
Mark

June 29, 2019 at 8:32 am #301353

Valora
Participant

I think one of the things that happened here was that you saw the red flags but decided not to pay attention to them. His actions have absolutely nothing to do with your worth. You changed everything and did whatever you could to make him happy, and he still didn’t appreciate it… which means no matter what you did or didn’t do, you weren’t likely going to keep him. He probably has some of his own issues going on too, but, regardless, he likely just wasn’t your match. So it isn’t that you weren’t “enough.” It’s that you and him just didn’t match up… which means your match is still out there, and to that guy, you will be eeeeverything.

Take this time to grieve and heal. As Mark said, be gentle with yourself, sit in your pain and feel it and then let it go as it comes. It’ll probably come in waves for a while, and it’s going to take some time, but you’ll feel better afterwards. Then, after you’ve had some time to heal and reset and start feeling like yourself again, start dating but set some boundaries. If someone doesn’t contact you for days but can get on Facebook? Don’t be afraid to call them out on that. Just calmly ask them to explain what’s going on… the person you’re dating should want to talk to your or at least check in. If their response doesn’t feel right to you, pay attention to that feeling. Use those feelings as a guide system and communicate them to your partner. Also, I wouldn’t let a partner get too nitpicky. My ex used to do that to me, too, and I’d put up with it but now I wish I hadn’t. I deserved better than that and so do you. Usually it means something’s going on with them and they’re grumpy, but it’s not okay to take it out on you. So that’s another thing that you’d want to talk to your partner about rather than just letting it slide. If you are with the person you are meant to be with… you will not lose them from healthy communication, and your needs are just as important as his.

Your ex was right that you do deserve better than how he was treating you, so take this time to heal, do some things that make you feel really good, hang with friends, learn some things you’ve always wanted to learn, rebuild your self esteem… and then find someone who treats you better…. and you’ll know when you find your match because he will be just as excited about you as you are about him. No doubts.

June 29, 2019 at 8:37 am #301355

Anonymous
Guest

* Thank you, Mark.

Dear Natalie:

Because you feel so badly since he left a week ago (“It’s been a week of hell. I feel so worthless… hurt, lost, betrayed… please help. I’m losing hope… Alone… completely broken”), and because he ended the relationship before, repeatedly, and returned, it is a possibility that he will be back, and if he will be back, reads like you will accept him back.I am keeping this in mind as I reply to you.

Next, I am combining the post you submitted on another thread and your original post on your own thread, for better udderstanding-

You wrote about the man that you “gave him a place to live, and literally took care of everything for him”. One of the ways you took care of him was the following: “I have been his punching bag…I let him take out all of his negative feelings on me, and I did it with a smile, just because I loved him”.

But then, “He broke up with me because he says that he’s unhappy with his life. That he couldn’t stand seeing me happy and him taking out his frustrations on me… he still decided life would be easier without me, because then he wouldn’t have to worry about hurting me… He called me crying, saying that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore that I didn’t deserve the way he treated me and that I would be happier without him”-

– if he is honest about his reasons, then you availing yourself to be his punching bag, availing yourself to provide him a temporary relief from his frustrations by being his punching bag, that part of you taking care of him didn’t work for him. He didn’t like that part. He felt badly for punching you, figuratively, feeling like a bad person. If he contacts you or you contact him, let him know that you will no longer avail yourself to be his punching bag because it doesn’t work for either one of you, that this part will change.

He had doubts from the beginning of the relationship, “From the beginning he told me he had his doubts… he always had his doubts every few months or so he’d tell me he wanted to be single, but each time he’d tell me he didn’t want to lose me”-

– ask him why he has doubts, what about his past caused him to be so doubtful, ask him what does he want from a partner, what does he need? Ask him so that you can have the information you need so to understand him and figure out how to proceed.

You were very tolerant of him and his doubts, you respected his decisions to break up with you when he did, supported him taking a job out of state, “never complained that he didn’t call for days.. didn’t complain when he’d post on social media and neglect to contact me, never… didn’t nag or bring up how I was feeling neglected.. didn’t want to burden him”-

– but even though you didn’t complain or nag him he knew you were unhappy, and repeated this when he broke up with you, that you are unhappy with him. So better, if you do get back with him, better that you tell him when you are unhappy about something he said or did, not by nagging and going on and on about it, but tell him in an informative, matter of fact way, so that he knows and feels comfortable in that knowing, not having to guess, maybe, how you feel.

You lived together for about a year and he got mad at you for things like overeating fast food, not going to the gym, letting the dog in the home, allowing your sister to speak rudely to you, “basically everything”, so you went to the gym, didn’t allow the dog to sleep indoors-

– it makes sense to not have the dog sleep indoors if he is allergic to the dog. It also makes sense to not overeat and to exercise. If he avoids overeating himself and exercises, you can help each other to live a healthier life, free of allergies, maintaining healthy weight and keeping in good physical shape, working like a team.

Working like a team, helping each other, better than that selfless love, as you referred to it. When you practice selfless love, you don’t only lose your self, but as you can see, you lose the other self, that is, that man.

I hope to read more from you.

anita

June 29, 2019 at 10:17 am #301361

Peggy
Participant

Hi Natalie,

I’m so sorry that you are going through such heartache and pain at the moment.

Here’s my summing up of the situation. Your ex-boyfriend has been playing you and, because of the feelings that you had for him, you’ve allowed him to do this. He has never really shown any true commitment to you, he’s treated you abominably by messaging other women and only confessed to feeling guilty when he was found out. He wanted to be single but he didn’t want to lose you! He wanted you on the hook whilst he went off playing the field. When you/he did attempt to be together, he did nothing but criticize you and your lifestyle. The one honest thing he seems to have said to you in all this is that you’ll be better off without him.

Relationship break ups are painful. Rejection is painful. This is more about your ex-boyfriend not being ready or mature enough for the kind of relationship that you were hoping for. He might never be ready. This really does have far more to do with him than it does with you. You might not see it like this at the moment, but you’ve had a very lucky escape.

Mark is right. You don’t need to change to please other people. You have been put on this earth to be one person and one person only. You have your own talents, strengths, quirks, characteristics, physical attributes etc. You are special and unique exactly as you are. I don’t know you personally but I do know that you are every bit as good as anyone who has ever stepped foot on this planet.

Where do you go from here? Print out, if possible, your original post, take a match to it and burn it. You’ve put your feelings down on paper now release them forever. It’s very cleansing. Go on a journey of self discovery. Who are you, what do you enjoy doing, what cause touches your heart, if you were to write a love letter to yourself what would you say, how many things do you have to be grateful for, what would you like to achieve during the next twelve months, is there anything stopping you, what would your dog say to you if he could talk?

Where do you go from here? Have a love affair with yourself. Burn your favorite incense or oil. Play your favorite music. Watch a favorite film. Eat your favorite food. Dine at your favorite restaurant. Go on your favorite walk. Make it all about you! You’re worth it.

I really hope this helps!

Peggy
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