Hi everyone

I’m returning to a topic I started 3 months ago. In a moment of doubt, not long after posting, I deleted my original message, which I am reposting here:

“I am a woman in my early 30s. I have always had boyfriends and I guess a background attraction to women but no more than many straight-ish women probably have, I thought. This summer a woman came into my life who shook me up. She didn’t do anything apart from be herself, but she has had a huge effect on me.
She was my client. I work as a coach/trainer on a one to one basis (I teach a practical skill -I’m not a therapist and don’t work with people’s emotional or personal lives). The night before I met her I had a dream that we were together. I had previously talked to her on Skype before our first face to face session but hadn’t thought anything consciously other than she had a pretty smile. I shook the dream off as an oddity and proceeded with professionalism through our sessions together. We spent a couple of months meeting usually twice per week. When she left I missed her. She lives in another country, but not too far away. On our last lesson she gave me a card expressing her gratitude for my work, that I was a real pro and a nice person (she highlighted this last part). Nothing at all happened between us or was even hinted at apart from we took each others’ hands at the end and at least I felt a bit of a ‘moment’. Wishful thinking perhaps…
Throughout the course of our sessions I became more conscious of my attraction for her but of course did nothing. I would never do anything while in a professional capacity. We have some things in common, same age, some background circumstances, which allowed for some feelings of complicity I guess.
Fast forward a couple of months and I was still thinking of her from time to time. I had a new website built for my work and asked her and a few other previous clients for testimonials to put on the site. She kindly obliged with a glowing testimonial and in her email to me said she missed her time in my city and her sessions with me. It so happened that I was going to be in her city (I used to live there and still have friends there) for a few days a month ago and I told her she could have a free session to say thank you for taking the time to write my testimonial. She responded saying that would be great and we could go to lunch afterwards…her treat. So we met, had an informal skills session then went for a long lunch. It’s hard to say whether she flirted as I can’t gauge females too well. If this was a man I’d think he liked me but who knows. I know that she is bisexual. She didn’t tell me herself, we’ve never discussed things like that. but I know for a fact that she has said this. I am single. I have no idea if there is anyone in her life.
After the lunch meeting we exchanged a couple of texts and emails. She told me it was cool to hang out and even referred to future work and social stuff we could do together. I felt that I had been a bit ‘held back’ and hiding behind my professionalism as although I feel really excited and inspired by her, she wouldn’t have known. So a few days ago I sent her an email saying that if she ever comes back to my city I wouldn’t charge her for sessions, rather we could do a skills exchange (there’s something she can help me with and the subject of an exchange had already come up). Being brave I told her I always enjoyed her company and she was welcome any time. I also referred to a book recommendation she’d made to me which I think is quite personal to her (it was her who chose to share the recommendation, though!)
My confusion now is that she hasn’t replied…yet. I sent my email 4 days ago. To be fair she has taken a lot longer than this to get back to me before but I had less emotional investment then! I just hope I haven’t offended her. Have I crossed a line I shouldn’t have? I hardly declared undying love, in fact I barely hinted at my feelings, but I feel exposed as this is not how I’m used to conducting myself. My god, I feel like I’m overreacting now I see this written down. I guess my worst fear is that she can guess at how I feel, she doesn’t feel the same and now feels that she can’t take advantage of the professional help I can give her. It’s all a bit blurred. I feel odd.
I should also underline that she stopped officially being my client with the end of our financial exchange a few months ago.
What is happening here? I could use some objectivity and it’s not one I can share easily with friends.
Thanks.”

Your lovely kind replies are still in this thread. Thank you.

An update: she replied! Eventually. Took her two and a half weeks, by which time I’d given up on her but I wasn’t feeling too awful. I had meditated and nurtured my self-confidence in that at least I’d been true to myself by trying/hinting at my feelings so there weren’t really any regrets. Anyway, she wrote a lovely considered response, signing off with an affectionate term which I got rather excited about and it still makes me smile. Said salutation was written in her native language although she’d written the rest of her email in English. We both speak both languages. We then exchanged a couple of emails over the Christmas/new year period mainly talking about books/life philosophies and what we’re up to in our professional lives.

I haven’t heard from her since the beginning of this year. I’m not overly concerned about that as our emails did kind of ‘wrap up’ with her saying she’d see me this year and me wishing her good luck for this work venture she’s currently doing.

What I am concerned about is I still think about her A LOT. I mean a lot. I’m kind of ashamed of myself. Like, what is missing in my life that I have so much brain-room for a non-existent love story?! I know I shouldn’t judge my own feelings. I try to just ride them when they feel strong…. This woman has really got to me. I miss her. On a lot of levels I felt connection with her. I guess there are things about her that I admire…she has already helped to inspire me professionally and personally without even knowing it. She’s funny, she’s real, she’s intelligent, she’s unafraid, she’s spiritually aware, she’s driven and she has the sweetest smile I have seen on any human. I think she’s one of the best examples of a human I’ve ever met.

And yet. There are things I don’t know about her. I’m aware I’m probably filling in some blanks. I don’t even know if she’s in a relationship (I know she lives alone). We’ve never discussed that. She doesn’t even know I have these feelings…though she’s not stupid. She’ll have guessed at something.

So what do I have? A lunch date a few months ago (her invitation). A few emails with an affectionate/mildly suggestive sign-off from her. Nothing for a few months. Lots of questions in my head.

I think my reason for posting here is: sometimes my feelings for her overwhelm me. Why? Why has she affected me so when nothing has even happened? I think about her more than I’m comfortable with and more than I feel is appropriate for the situation. She has no idea. If I do see her again I’ll feel embarrassed!

I could just contact her and I probably will in a couple of months if I haven’t heard from her. The reason I haven’t is I know she’s travelling for work…her life’s a bit upside down for a couple of months.

Do I like her because she’s hard to get?

I’d write more detail if I wasn’t worried about identifying myself/her.

Writing this has clarified something at least: I build mountains out of molehills in my head. Please reply, though, anyone who has words of advice or even solidarity!

I’m the kind of person who plays my cards close to my chest in real life. Sometimes I feel lonely as a result.