First of all, thank you kindly for your response. I did not expect interest from anyone.

Yes, I’m 15 years old now. And I have long understood that this age is seen as childhood as we know it. But (and I am trying to say it without arrogance, naivety, superficiality) I am interested in these issues of life much earlier than my surroundings. If you had a chance to get to know me, you might say that I’m about 20 years old. And that is probably my psychological problem, that I do not know who I am, where I am going and so on. because in my whole short and inexperienced life I have no idea what I want.

The story isn’t anyhow interesting. But you asked for it: So I would start by saying that my zodiac sign is Aries. Believe it or not but it really sums up my characteristics:

Strengths: Courageous, determined, confident, enthusiastic, optimistic, honest, passionate

Weaknesses: Impatient, moody, short-tempered, impulsive, aggressive

Aries likes: Comfortable clothes, taking on leadership roles, physical challenges, individual sports

Aries dislikes: Inactivity, delays, work that does not use one’s talents

that sums up who I am. You can see when I am ok, I am optimistic, passionate, confident, and so on. But when things go down the hill (I will explain furthermore), I can be impatient, impulsive, and feel bad for doing nothing (even though when I deserve it). I never liked school on some kind of regular basis. ‘work that does not use one’s talents’ explains it perfectly, because in school you are taught that lava is called magma when underground, but no one tells you how to manage life, how to get to know yourself, etc. I understand that we have parents for that (or even grandparents) or it is up to us to form our own beliefs (which I am ok with because the life really is about CREATING a meaning/purpose and not just accepting it from someone else), but the school hardly ever develops an individual’s potential (if you aren’t on specialized school with some sort of focus). And for me, here I am in 10th grade and wondering about the meaning of life. I wish I could be an innocent child at least for a moment.  I don’t want to grow up, wondering where to go. But that just is how my life goes. I have never had any dreams. I never knew what job I would like to have. I never know what I want to study. I do athletics from the first grade of school, so now it is 10 years already. I also have scoliosis (curvature of the spine), so it surely helped with my health problems. I go to races, for example, I was at the Youth  Olympics 2017 where we won silver at the 4x60m relay and so on. I have medals, but when I look back I never really enjoyed running. I tried other disciplines, but the sprint suited my body the most. I had times when I really was good at it. I rode the championships in my country, but I saw the gap between wanting and realization of success. I had so so so many falls. I wanted to end it so many times. But here I am still doing the same because I WANT to, not have to! This is something that I realized thankfully this early in life. When you break it apart every decision is ‘i want to’ or ‘i don’t want to’. Because the action that we do is only that. Nothing else.

So this was my system for so many years. School, trainings, and relax at home. Again and again. But in the last 2 years I started asking. I started observing. I started seeking the true meaning behind this. I asked myself who I am and where I am going… But I haven’t found answers. I only deepened the uncertainty. I have learned so much from those years. But I still think and think. I smile, I cry, I feel everything and I feel nothing. My life is now like a rollercoaster. Ups and downs. And in the last months, something started to happen. Before Christmas, I began to fall into the abyss of my head. It got worse over the Christmas. After new year, we signed me up to a psychologist. I have been there 4 times. She is really good psychologist, but my thinking is just on a deeper level than just the ordinary depression. We are still investigating what is the cause. But I dont know. I just feel numb, sad and confused. I have good days when I feel that I am going to change from the day on. But the other day is just worse because the depression slaps you back into reality. It is like a spiral.

Just adding more info for the relationship —> (I totally understand that one should not stick to the past and move on. I also understand that this is the first love feeling, but in my life there really haven’t been anyone who I want to be with so much as this. But I have to accept that time flows, we aren’t here forever. And we just can’t spend it waiting for someone with the chance of it not even coming true.

One thing I want to highlight is that she wants me, I miss her too, she likes me, but this gap between us is just too big for us to be one hundred percent sure. The point is that since the last time we were together, it was about half a year. She is the kind of person who thinks about things unhealthily, so I think it took her a long time to take courage and tell me because I believe it hurt. So that are those couple of months when nothing happened. So now we have seen each other and we plan to meet again in a month, but I’m really drowning in such feelings of uncertainty and confusion because you love someone, but you just can’t be together and you don’t know how it will turn out.)

This was really long. If you want some more info, just ask. I will happily respond. Thank you once again. Hope you have a good day ! 🙂

I am speechless because I really appreciate what you do. Thank you for being here for me, because I’ve been feeling really terrible myself lately. I am an introverted extrovert, so I have no problem talking to people, but I prefer to be alone. But lately, there is enough of that feeling and I really feel the need to belong to someone. I do not mean materially, but rather open to someone and be accepted. It really means a lot to me. Thank you <3
So I want to make one little adjustment. My depression is not mostly about deep thoughts. I spend more time with melancholy watching what is happening to me. I’m empty. It’s like I’m missing something. Maybe I lost something. Maybe there was a mistake, or I’ve always been like this before. And I know this is just exactly what overthinking is. But I am more describing the feeling that I have other than saying that this is how it is. I just feel sad as if you were looking at pictures of your dead children. So it’s more about the emotions. Sometimes I am really happy (I feel enlightened), thinking that from this day on I will behave differently, think differently, etc. but as I wrote, depression will slap you back into reality. So I have good days, but it’s such a rule that bad days follow.
It’s really like living in a body trying to survive, but with a mind that wants to die. Unfortunately, depression will give you only two options. Either you are dying trying, or trying dying. You just have to fight, fight and fight again, or you can give up and just want to die. It’s really not easy. Imagine that you have to convince someone that they don’t have depression. But it is you who have it, so you have to persuade yourself to do something about it, but it prevents you from doing so. Of course, it is important to admit that something is wrong with me. And you can’t just play that you don’t have depression. You can’t ignore it. We can suppress it, but that’s only for a short time.
I’ve read lots of articles, tips and books, I’ve seen lectures, conferences, dialogues, I’ve heard podcasts and advice on how to be happy, how to value things, how to better control your emotions, how to cope with the depression, and so on and so on. But honestly, let’s say it’s all about experience. Yes, we can be inspired by this, take something from it, learn something, and possibly follow it for some time. But nothing compares to going through something. I know that by this I actually responded to myself on how to solve my depression. This should give me hope. But it doesn’t. You no longer have such good sense. You no longer have energy. You’re just tired of trying. You’d rather just kill yourself (and I’m really sorry if it’s uncomfortable to read about it), and don’t have to deal with anything. You want to stop the pain. But you won’t leave because you don’t want to hurt your family. You feel trapped, you don’t think you belong to this world, you are not worthy. You think nobody would miss you at all. Actually, it will become your only way out. Because nothing makes you happy anymore.
So you can probably imagine that it is more about emotions.

I have mild scoliosis. At first, I had badly turned feet (inward), so it was the first sign that something was wrong. Actually, at the Youth Olympics, I moved my back somehow. I didn’t do anything about it because I thought it would pass. But it didn’t go away. It was still there, but I could do sports with it so I was still hoping it would pass. But then one day at the training it got worse. I couldn’t even walk. The back pain was also linked to my legs, so when I pulled the hamstring, I got acute pain. So I started going to rehabilitation. Where they actually found my scoliosis. I did different exercises. Breathing, ballooning, stretching, strengthening different parts and so on. So it helped, but it came back later, and that was a problem. I had to go to some magnetic treatment, with electric shocks (which weren’t big, it was more of an electric current to release the muscles). Which didn’t help at all. So I was still going to rehabilitation. I was practicing at home. And in fact we somehow found out that I had a shorter leg. About 2 centimeters shorter left leg. It’s probably because of the deflection of the pelvis, but it doesn’t deny that it’s not there. So we got orthopedic insoles on the shoes to compensate for the difference. I just got them in my new shoes. And I have to admit that you get used to it. But outside my back, I also had a groin problem. So I am generally as crippled. But I don’t complain. Of course, it is a nuisance, and especially in the sport. But it would be selfish to throw it at others that they have it easier. Right now I have nothing with my back. I think I have developed a solid foundation by fighting against the body. But hey, Usain Bolt also has a shorter leg. 😀
So roughly like this. I really appreciate your answers, and I’d like to continue. Thank you very much once again!

PS: If you are wondering why am I posting this at these weird times (like 3 am), it is because I live in Czech Republic.