Thanks Teak for your valuable insights

To be honest, Ifeel you as well as Anita actually got me with my updates.

I completely agree with whatever u have mentioned above, thanks again for understanding, it feels really good to let it out.

Ya about whether he is a narcissist or not,

Well I think he is, but I only gotto know that in these two months, never had an image of him like that before.

He has indulged in gaslighting me at times and it used to leave me emotionally hurt.

He started to become more about himself, and criticising me for smallest of things, making me feel uncomfortable.

Whenever I used to bring these things to his notice, he either used to keep defending himself with baseless reasons or trying to be “overly technical” About everything(trying to show how smart he is) or when I used to really make him realise what was wrong, he would go entirely silent but never to own up and say sorry or give a rigid answer, unlike me.

This behavior usedto keep me hanging thinking tht he is trying and maybe he wants this because thats the kind of signals i used to feel from the conversations.

Now i dont exactly think that he was legit unaware of what was happening,

Since as I said he used to have some good opinions on intention of my other guy friends when we werent thisclose.

Now, the thing is

I feel I shouldnt , sort out with him whatever I am feeling right now, because somewhere I feel, he would still not own up to his part of mistake, and instead would either defend himself by not analysing deeply or would indulge in gaslighting. So, I dont know if this confessing would actually help me let go or not?

But a part of me also believes that if he cared even a bit about me, then maybe he will understand and have a bit of remorse atleast.

But I dont know what to do?

Let me know what you guys think

For example, these are very small things to say, but he used to really hold on to that

Say I sent him a post, as an instagram msg, (which I used to frequently, sending him some philosophical quote or read) , and then this one time I sent him something, which was on love and as soon as I sent him, I decided to delete it because I thought he might take it personally and get the hint that maybe it was about us.

So, as soon as I deleted it, he managed to see it and then he wouldn’t let it go, he legit got angry on such a stupid thing.

He was like , you dont want to share anything with me, why would you send something and delete it and he just wouldn’t let that go . And I am not someone who would let someone just stay angry, I did tell him sorry and tried to convince him a lot bbut he just didnt listen and finally said gud night and left and for days I couldnt let tht be (because I wanted him to understand that it wasnt ok to let things stay unresolved atleast before sleeping)

The other would be : say I was talking to him on call for like half an hour and then I asked him to come on meet because I wanted to show him something cool. But as soon as I left that call, my sister called me to hangout with her, so I texted him, that maybe I can catch up with him later.

To which he pretended to be fine.

But then after ten minutes our club members call us up for an informal meeting, so I told them in the grp, the same thing, that I might join in later.  But after talking to my sister I,because its necessary for your position to bond in the club, I join the informal meeting first (where he is also present) , instead of calling him to continue from where we left.

So then I get this angry message from him, that u just told me u werent available , and now u are in the meeting and I was waiting for you(when I had already let him know that I wouldnt want him to wait) .  So, I left the meeting and called him immediately, but he just wouldn’t pick my calls at that point and neither talk to me, he was pissed for I dont know what reasons. But unresolved issues make me bothered even if it doesn’t to him

So the next day I called him to resolve this, i told him sorry and I also made it very clear that, just because it was him, I tried to sort it out, but if it were any other guy friend of mine expecting this, then I might have lashed out.

Now, i think such convos should have given him some hint of what I was feeling and his this anger seemed kind of something what a boyfriend would expect i felt.

What do u think, please let me know

Also, I would just like to add,

That the reason I had lashed out at him once or twice wad, because we used to call eachother almost daily during the months of December and November and so, it got me thinking that it meant something.

Although i know doing that to someone who isnt your boyfriend isnt right, but I just trusted we were getting there.

Hey Anita and Teak, i just want to let u know, that even if u r unsure of what I should do forward on, then i am fine with that

I will be grateful to whatever take u guys have and then ultimately make a choice of my own

I  am just grateful u guys helped me open up about it and supported me,

Had Been feeling a bit weary lately until now

Thankyou so much

Ohk i dont know how to explain his overtechnicality but something like

What happened recently was.

I wanted to talk to him about something but he went all silent the entire day, because he was sleeping(but he hadnt told me that then)

So naturally i was a bit upset the next day, that I msgd u and u weren’t responsive at all so, he called me

And told me that he was sleeping the entire day, why was I making a deal out of it.

So I told him he should have atleast told me that instead of ignoring completely.

But we couldn’t continue our conversation further.

Now, i was getting a bit anxious by the end, so I kind of was angry, that I felt that maybe we were connecting again because he had been video calling me evry day for a week then until that day, so I just didnt want to lose that again.

He told me he will call me back so I waited, and had begun tofeel that maybe this was wrong onmy part he isnt my boyfriend and so I wanted to resolve this from my end as well if hecalled

Butbythen wewere Exchanging a bit of text

And the thing that happened is he was suddenly bursting me with a bunch of text that he probably wont be able to VC but will surely call,

So I said that if he is busy we can maybe take it up later its fine, I can wait.

So he asked if I was ok?

And I told him referring to that very msg, that I would let him know on call(since i didnt want to get started on text, i think thats a very poor mode of resolving anything)

So he asked again the same question and I again told him that yes its fine I ll tell him on the call.

And somehow he assumed it as something close to ignoring his actual msg

He called later, i talked politely because i wanted this to get resolved.

But then  to counter his absence the day before he started comparing it to me ignoring his msg “are you fine”

I couldnt believe him then, how was he even finding the logic.

I tried to make him understand that I genuinely didnt ignore hismsg, and I was actually replying to the same msg. But according to him,  the only fair reply wod have been either u r fine or you arnt.

But then he went like,I ignored you for one day and you are making a deal out of it,

And you just now ignored my msg , nothing abt that.

Although he knows that I would have said sorry if without a thought, If i would have genuinely felt i ignored his msg

This matter was really stupid and then he kind of started talking to me rudely, making fun of the way I was fumbling(which i do at times) and it really hurt me, so I told him on that call, that resolving an issuewould be a different thing but one is never supposed to talk rudely to ppl close to them (he didnt use to do that before ) and he knew i dont talk to ppl in that tone, so he went silent and didnt apologize.

And it went like that for seven days( we werent in contact) and it really hurt me very bad, that such a small matter could go on to this extent,  seven days later hecalled me and i told him it wasnt ok to comeback like nothing happened, and that was the first time I burst in tears while saying that, I used to talk to him very politely and he knew that, and he was suddenly being rude to me just because he qas angry. But he felt really bad and sad and he did apologize, but I knew it was too late by then. I did forgive him

But i guess this was the last fight we had after which I had really decided this was it, the confusion needs to go, we have been fighting just because of unmatched expectations