Confused whether I was actually lead on by my closest guy friend

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April 16, 2021 at 9:55 am #377873

Tee
Participant

Dear Ishita,

the incident you’ve just described, you said it happened recently. Does it mean in the last 2 weeks, since you first posted here?

If so, I’d have to say that you have expectations of him, as if he were your boyfriend, and he isn’t. So, he was silent all day, because he was sleeping, but you didn’t know about it, so you messaged him, and he called you. In this phone call he explained why he was not responsive, but you told him “he should have at least told me that instead of ignoring completely”. So you weren’t happy with his explanation, and resented him/got offended that he didn’t let you know that he’d be sleeping.

The reason why you had expectations and got upset is this:

Now, i was getting a bit anxious by the end, so I kind of was angry, that I felt that maybe we were connecting again because he had been video calling me evry day for a week then until that day, so I just didnt want to lose that again.

So you were hoping that there might still be something between the two of you, even though he told you he doesn’t want a relationship. But you started hoping again, and started having expectations on him.

Since you haven’t talked the matter through during the phone call (because one of you got interrupted), you expected to talk about it in more detail later, to resolve things:

He told me he will call me back so I waited, and had begun to feel that maybe this was wrong on my part he isnt my boyfriend and so I wanted to resolve this from my end as well if he called.

So I said that if he is busy we can maybe take it up later its fine, I can wait.

Here, one part of you started thinking that it’s maybe too much to expect of him to inform you about his every move, since he isn’t your boyfriend. This, rational, calm and polite part thinks you can wait. But the other part of you is pretty anxious, demanding and has expectations. That’s the inner conflict in you.

He himself can be pretty knit-picky too. He started to make a big deal of you ignoring his message “are you fine?”, although you did reply but indirectly. You tried to explain you did reply, but he didn’t accept your explanation. Same as you didn’t accept his explanation that he was sleeping and that’s why he didn’t respond to you.

Although he knows that I would have said sorry if without a thought, if i would have genuinely felt i ignored his msg.

You would have apologized if you felt guilty. Same as him – probably he would have apologized if he felt guilty. But he didn’t feel guilty for not letting you know that he’s sleeping – that’s why he said nothing.

This matter was really stupid and then he kind of started talking to me rudely, making fun of the way I was fumbling(which i do at times) and it really hurt me, so I told him on that call, that resolving an issue would be a different thing but one is never supposed to talk rudely to ppl close to them (he didnt use to do that before ) and he knew i dont talk to ppl in that tone, so he went silent and didnt apologize.

This is where he should have apologized for being rude and making fun of you. But I guess he didn’t want to apologize for what you originally accused him of (sleeping all the day) – that’s why he was silent. He did apologize though in a subsequent call:

And it went like that for seven days( we werent in contact) and it really hurt me very bad, that such a small matter could go on to this extent, seven days later he called me and i told him it wasnt ok to comeback like nothing happened, and that was the first time I burst in tears while saying that, I used to talk to him very politely and he knew that, and he was suddenly being rude to me just because he qas angry. But he felt really bad and sad and he did apologize, but I knew it was too late by then. I did forgive him

Indeed, it was a small matter, but you made a big deal out of it, and spent a week being hurt and offended. Perhaps you were offended that he made fun of you at some point, but I guess you were even more offended about his original “sin”, and you wanted to resolve it by having him apologize. Eventually he did apologize (I guess for the part where he was rude?), but it was too late for you (“I knew it was too late by then“). His apology wasn’t good enough, probably because he didn’t apologize for what you wanted him to apologize?

Dear Ishita, it seems to me that both of you are pretty stubborn, easily offended, and neither of you wants to be wrong. Plus, you have expectations on him that he should behave like your boyfriend. He refuses to do that, and gets angry and rude trying to defend himself.

But i guess this was the last fight we had after which I had really decided this was it, the confusion needs to go, we have been fighting just because of unmatched expectations

Yes, and before you talk to him, try to deal with your internal confusion. I guess you should accept that he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, at least at the moment, even if he’s interacting with you on a regular basis. Because from what you wrote, it seems you can’t accept that, and are having expectations on him.

April 16, 2021 at 10:22 am #377876
Anonymous
Guest
Dear Ishita:

I am not as refreshed this morning as I hoped to be. Nonetheless, I spent a few hours studying your thread. This is my current understanding (what I understand now may develop and change if we communicate further, as I insert new information into the old, but here is what it is now):

At some point on, and definitely by November 2020, your friendship with X progressed from friendship to a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship but without actual dating and sexual activity, and without the public use of the labels boyfriend and girlfriend (he privately addressed you as “bae”, which is a term used for a girlfriend).

The November 2020- mid January 2021 relationship included (1) an ongoing, deep emotional exchange, a “level or intensity of communication” that was not there before, when you were only friends. He spent a whole lot of his time taking with you, even when he was sleepy, he told you that “he was very much over his ex”, that you meant so much to him (“almost everyday assert it very clearly how much I meant to him”), showering you with compliments, and being there for you when you needed him, and (2) mutual flirting, including “real dirty flirting” (“We used to flirt a lot, he.. started calling me bae… we used to have some real dirty flirting”).

In mid-January this year you felt that “he started pulling hot and cold” on you, not calling you as often as he did in December, and you “felt like he wasn’t putting enough effort” into the relationship. You got angry about the change in his behavior: “I used to get upset if he forgot to or maybe just chose to not call me in two or three days”. You let him know that you were angry in ways that he considered “being ‘dramatic'”. He then told you that he was being lazy and that he “should definitely call you everyday”, but following having said that, he did not call you every day.

You were angry about this discrepancy: you “had always been there for him.. never allowed anyone to do something wrong to him in the club”, but he was there for you sometimes, “dependent on his mood”.

What happened next is that being angry at him (suggested by your use of big print letters), you let him know that you are taking a break from the relationship: “I TOLD HIM I NEEDED SOME DISTANCE… I NEED TO TAKE SOME TIME”!

He said that “he was ok with this“, but he “didn’t take it very well”, this and it being the break from the relationship. He called you, and you talked to him, restricting your talking to “what a general conversation between friends should be like”- that is, not including the previous deep emotional exchange and flirting.

He didn’t like being on a break, so he told you that “he would wait” until you were “ready to go back to being normal… He is still waiting for me to recover and end the distance clause”- he wants you to end the break and resume the unlabeled, undefined, uncommitted relationship.

“even though we were never in an actual relationship, I have trusted him throughout.. I had this idea of him that he is actually a gentleman, and he is mature enough to know the boundaries of a friendship with a female friend (which I still think he knows clearly, but behaves like he has no idea… He has indulged in gaslighting me at times”.

My concluding thoughts: clearly you are an anxious person, exhibiting what is known as anxious attachment style, but this is not The Problem here. The Problem is that X is dishonest.

You shared, and I believe you, that you don’t feel comfortable around people until you get to know them well, otherwise, your guard is up for a long time (“I used to generally have my guard on around even my good friends.. I don’t go around heavily flirting with my guy friends”).

It was because X went out of his way to behave like a caring, loving boyfriend- that you let your guard down, with him.

There is a saying: “If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck”, and I add to the saying: it’s a duck even if the duck doesn’t say the words: I am a duck!

X talked like a boyfriend, behaved like a boyfriend, so you believed that he was indeed your boyfriend. Even though he didn’t say the words: I am your boyfriend.

* Do you know anything about his childhood experience?

You asked a few questions previously. Take your time, if you will, and let me know what you think of my understanding and what your questions might be, at this point.

anita
- This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by .
April 16, 2021 at 10:55 am #377881

Ishita
Participant

Hey, Teak

, no this incident happened in the beginning of march,

What I meant was i confessed to him, after this very incident, saying

That i feel there is a bit pf clarity needed in where we r heading because otherwise, i am not feeling like opening up to u and I think we have been fighting a lot .

So that was on 14th March around I guess when I confessed and after that I had mostly totally cutoff with him

And what followed , I mentioned it in my first post

April 16, 2021 at 11:14 am #377882

Ishita
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thanks a lot for looking into this I really appreciate your help

I dont know any such incident from his childhood since he doesnt mostly have a lot to share,

He used to be a very expressive talkative kid in the childhood but eventually turned into someone more reserved in personality,

But apart from that I dont exactly know if some event could have had and impact on him.

He is although not very close to his family members to say, they are all workaholics in his family, he mostly is self involved, his parents mostly working in office and so his brother,

But could u tell me more, what kind of memories are u looking for?

Also I am still thinking if I should really talk to him about the future of our friendship

April 16, 2021 at 11:27 am #377884

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ishita:

Before I proceed, can you tell me more about what you think about the understanding I expressed in my previous post to you?

anita

April 16, 2021 at 12:16 pm #377890
Tee
Participant
Dear Ishita,

Sorry, I thought it was very recent, and that you started to get back together again. But I understand now that before you took a break from the relationship, you had hot and cold phases, and this was one such “warming up” phase after a colder period. You still didn’t know at that point that he wasn’t interested in a relationship. I get it now.

Well, although in this particular incident he doesn’t seem very guilty, he had led you on, heavily flirted with you and gave you false hopes during November/December. And he probably knew what he was doing, since he recognized such behavior in other guys.

You have put him “on hold” and now your relationship is strictly formal (extremely formal on his side), but he’s waiting for your decision and for resuming the relationship in some form.

If I understood well, you now want to completely break off the friendship, because he betrayed your trust and you could never trust him again.

You’re in a dilemma about whether to:
- call him immediately and tell him that the friendship is over, or wait until your common project ends, to create less commotion,
- and if you call him, whether to tell him openly about the reasons for breaking-off the friendship and trying to make him see his mistake or not
These are your questions and dilemmas:

I think I should let him know (on call), that he shouldnt wait, and more than that I want to let him know that he just hurt me so bad that I cant even think of being friends with him (but I dont want to explain him why I think so, because I think I am done with that and I dont know what his reaction will be like, I seriously wouldnt want to get into an argument with him then)

Would that be a stupid idea,? And if not, would it be better if I call him right away since I feel this suffering or should I wait for this project to end peacefully first?

Now, the thing is I feel I shouldnt , sort out with him whatever I am feeling right now, because somewhere I feel, he would still not own up to his part of mistake, and instead would either defend himself by not analysing deeply or would indulge in gaslighting. So, I dont know if this confessing would actually help me let go or not?

But a part of me also believes that if he cared even a bit about me, then maybe he will understand and have a bit of remorse at least.

But I dont know what to do?

It’s not easy to tell, but perhaps you could wait for the project to end, and then talk to him. As for trying to explain to him how he betrayed your trust, you may want to do it, since it seems in your nature to want to explain things and not leave things unspoken and unresolved, if possible. So you might want to try to explain how he betrayed your trust, and that you don’t buy that he was clueless about what he was doing. You can try to “make your case”, and see his reaction.

The worst that can happen is that he again tries to gaslight you – to deny that there was any inappropriate behavior on his side and refuse his responsibility for misleading you. If you can deal with such denial, without starting to doubt yourself – so if you’re strong enough and able to deal with his potential gaslighting – then do it. If on the other hand you feel that he would be merciless and vicious (he might be if he is a narcissist) and that it would hurt you even more, then don’t do it.

That’s the best I can come up so far… but it’s not easy to decide, perhaps there are more things to take into consideration.
April 16, 2021 at 1:29 pm #377891

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ishita:

Sometimes things escape me, words don’t register in my brain. You wrote earlier that you and this young man, X, had “real dirty flirting” going on- you were referring to some sexual activity, weren’t you?

If so, please, no need to be embarrassed: you are anonymous here. Knowing more will help me, and more importantly, it will help you understand better, so that you can figure out what is best for you to do next, in regard to X and in regard to future relationships.

anita

April 17, 2021 at 1:36 pm #377949

Ishita
Participant

Hi Anita and Teak

Sorry I didnt reply to your comments yesterday, it was my birthday.

But I hope you guys dont mind if I update u now, please read this according to you convenience.

So first of all answering to

Anita

Yes anita whatever understanding you have gathered up until now is completely correct, I dont find any thing that I dont agree with in your post.

You might say that yeas this is an anxious attachment style, but the thing is, it was my first time I was feeling this close to someone, I had actually fallen for. So his slight change of behavior use to make me anxious if I am not being good enough, or if he is losing interest.

But, I am also someone who has a lot of acceptance to growth, so I eventually did realise this now, and I know I would never allow any such relationship to be over me in my Priority list.

Apart from that, yes, I did get the feeling that he wanted to be my boyfriend other wise I dont know why, someone would go on resolving such expectation issues instead of being straight honest abt it. (And I know he is not someone who lets any one get in his personal space)

Anyways, also answering to your question what I meant by “dirty flirting”

Then I actually want to mean frequent casual sext

Well the truth is I have never done this before and thus, somewhere I used to feel a bit weird abt it.

But I only indulged in that with him, is because I used to kind of really think of him as this genuinely good guy, (who himself hasnt done this before with anyone) so maybe he is so sure abt me, that he wants to go that far with me.

I mean why would u sext any friend whom you donot find sexually interesting

April 17, 2021 at 2:08 pm #377952

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ishita:

Happy belated Birthday!!!

I am glad to read your update today and would be glad to read from you anytime. I will reply to you further tomorrow morning, in about 16 hours from now.

anita

April 17, 2021 at 2:11 pm #377953

Ishita
Participant

I would like to give you guys a very important update which might help u draw ur further conclusions for me.

So, as I said, today was my birthday,

And he was actually very anxious if he should call me or not.

So, this other very closed friend of ours(who doesnt know abt this issue, but just knows that I and X arnt talking)) has been continuously trying to get us back to being friends.

So today he got us both on call, and left like a jerk lol.

But nonetheless I talked to him on that call, he wished me hesitantly , unsure if he is doing it the right way. But then we had some general talks and then we dropped the call after 5minutes.

But then he called me back after half an hour and told me that he was doing some thinking and really wanted to resolve this because he was finding it very weird, to behave like a stranger with me.

So he asked that if there was anything we could resolve to get this distance thing over.

I said, no, I am still not ok, I still need more time to be fine, because this friendship meant to much to me, I am sad and angry at both of us, for letting this go down the drain so easily and it cant be the same anymore maybe.

So he asked me, that why was I holding my self back exactly and that he felt that the toughest part for him was,” how do I communicate with you, I dont want to get too formal, nor I want to be too friendly like the previous times, and be crossing boundaries, that I have no idea , where it lies.”

So, I told him that regarding the communication part, maybe he can talk to me just the way he does with other not so close members of the club, if thats comfortable to him.

And for the part of whether we can resolve something, I said,” well X, there is probably no way I can ve able to trust u again , if u still feel u werent at fault even to the slightest extent of me ending up in this pit”

He asked me to tell him what instances did i exactly feel were the reasons for this misunderstanding.

And I told him, that I am not gonna babysit him, narrating each such incident because I feel, if he really wants to understand he is smart enough to retrospect and figure out on his own, because otherwise everything that I say, he would just try to defend hinself, making me feel like a stupid who is getting manipulated, So I am not gng there. If he doesnt feel he was at fault, then maybe our ideas on friendship are pretty different, and then it doesn’t make sense for us to stay friends.

So he asked again, that if u tell me, then I ll know what our the things I shouldnt do to someone from the next time.

So, I just tried to explain him, inshort,

I told him, that X you do understand why this distance clause exist? , its because we were having a lot of unnecessary expectations from each other, and that was leading to fights that shouldnt happen if we r just friends, (and I have repeatedly told him that even when I thought we were something)

To which he said, I always felt they were resolvable, so I didnt exactly mind.

So I said, but do you actually enjoy figting with your “just friends ” Over expectations almost each and every day??

To which he said, no you arnt the only one, I do have fight with 2-3 more friends.

So, I asked if it were just as frequent as ours.

(now, here is a bit of a catch that you guys might want to keep a note of, and even I was shocked when he told me this,)

now, i knw since a while that he has this another childhood female friend Y, but I didnt know very much abt how close they were or what there equation is like

So he told me, that he does have frequent fights with his friend Y, but those are mostly minor issues, not as big as ours. (And she had asked him to not talk abt it to anyone)

And tbh, I was shocked and angry, like wtf kind of stupid are you?? (i dont know if thats justified to feel, but thats honestly how I felt)

So, instead of making it visible that this info had any effect on me, i swiftly changed it back to us as the focus, by asking him

That whether those issues were also just like ours,? , the one where we both are having expectations from eachother.If no, then maybe he should actually realise that how ours were not normal

Then he thought for a while (and again trying to defend himself) he asked, that what were the instances where I felt his over expectations could be the reason of a fight.

So, i counted to him the same events I had posted before where I have mentioned abt how he had behaved

And apparently he had an explanation to each one of em, except one.

So he said, i think I have overexpected just once from my side, the other instances arnt really legit to be considered as overexpecting.

So, I said, that its fine if he doesnt feel he ever over expected, but what about the times when I did and I kept asking him, if he was feeling I was expecting a bit too much(and I used to ask that too frequently) but, he always used to have a very comforting reply, to which, my only inference use to be that he is actually trying and he does feel something.

To this he said

That he genuinely didnt feel it was an issue, he didnt feel I was overexpecting, to ask him to call me everyday and tell me everything, maybe once or twice he did find it annoying, but he said, he wasnt lying, when he said he didn’t feel this was overexpecting.

And At that point I didnt really know what to say.

so, I asked him

“Tell me just one last thing X, during these entire two month period, how much do you feel was ur fault for me ending up feeling this was “

April 17, 2021 at 2:29 pm #377955

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ishita:

You may have not noticed my post to you 20 minutes ago, before your most recent. I read your update. I wish you were more clear and specific when you answered his questions. Will reply further to your two posts today and any you may add to it in about 16 hours from now.

anita

April 17, 2021 at 2:33 pm #377957

Ishita
Participant

Sorry, there has been a break because i by mistake clicked on submit

So I will continuefor the last one

so, I asked him

“Tell me just one last thing X, during these entire two month period, how much do you feel was ur fault for me ending up feeling this was ? ”

he legit said, just one event and apart from that whatever I did to you I did it because you were my good friend and I guess its just you who thought abt everything to this extent.

I tbh felt so much gaslighted at that moment.

So I told him that “cool then, I guess I was the only one stupid enough to not see this coming, and now that you have let me know, how much of it u feel u r actually responsible for, I now know I am alone in this, and that would mean, I obviously need to still have the distancing thing until I am fine, and then maybe I ll comeback if I feel I can resolve then”

And then I asked him what was his take on that

But by then I feel even he got irritated somewhere maybe,

So he said” That as you have been repeating that, things can never be the same as it used to be, I guess thats how its gng to be, things are gng to be just the way they are rn between us whether or not the issue ever gets resolved and then maybe this is our last call then? ”

I was breaking by then, it was just so sad , realising, how much I want to be around him as a friend, but I don’t know if he deserves this friendship or should I actually let this go, and just get back to being friends( but this time with boundaries)

I just knew that I really didnt wish to lose him, but that wouldnt be justice to myself maybe, (i dont know)

But i gathered all my strength and just said

“Yes ” And dropped thr call.

So, I dont know what lies ahead, if u guys have any take on this whole thing?

Also

I would like to make another observation,

During this 1.5hours long conversation of ours,

I did ask him once, if he even cared that we were having to pay this cost for all the mess

To which he said that” You were my best friend and now I have lost you because you want to stay distant ”

Now, he had never called me his best friend before (maybe once casually in the flow of conversations but never other then that)

Infact, he has been very particular abt to whom he refers as best friend.

According to him, his ex girlfriend was his best friend ever, and he had never had any other best friend, he surely has a lot of close friend but, no one worth referring as best friend.

And so, he has never called me that.. But suddenly he did today, for the first time.

So I asked him, how suddenly he thought I was his best friend, because when we were in contact he has never told me anything like this.

To which he gave a very vague reply that, “i dont say such things easily, but thats how I feel abt u”

To which Ididnt say anything.

(I dont know if that’s a significant observation, but somewhere I feel that , maybe he just wanted to justify his closeness with me by referring to me as “best friend” suddenly, so he could justify his actions better, by claiming to just trying to do whats expected out of someone that close) although I knew always that even if he didnt use to say it but he used to tell me things which he didnt wish to confide in anyone else(but that doesnt matter any more i g )

Nonetheless, let me know what u guys feel about all this.

Nd what do u think is actually right thing for me to do

April 17, 2021 at 3:47 pm #377962

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ishita:

I posted to you twice while you were submitting the two last of your three posts today, see above.

anita

April 17, 2021 at 11:34 pm #377972

Ishita
Participant

Thankyou for your wishes Anita

Yes please take your time and let me know what you think

April 18, 2021 at 2:32 am #377976

Tee
Participant

Dear Ishita,

first, happy birthday to you!!

As for your conversation with X, well, I think it reveals a lot about him. But first, let me say, I notice you didn’t want to tell him explicitly why you feel upset with him:

He asked me to tell him what instances did i exactly feel were the reasons for this misunderstanding.

And I told him, that I am not gonna babysit him, narrating each such incident because I feel, if he really wants to understand he is smart enough to retrospect and figure out on his own, because otherwise everything that I say, he would just try to defend hinself, making me feel like a stupid who is getting manipulated, So I am not gng there. If he doesnt feel he was at fault, then maybe our ideas on friendship are pretty different, and then it doesn’t make sense for us to stay friends.

Then, he asked again to give him specific examples so that he wouldn’t cross boundaries again. Again, you didn’t say in what ways exactly he was crossing your boundaries (by sexting, by calling you his bae, by opening emotionally to you, by spending huge amounts of time talking with you, by speaking highly of you and standing up for you, by expecting you to call him first and inform him about your whereabouts, etc). You just said that you had unnecessary expectations from each other:

Its because we were having a lot of unnecessary expectations from each other, and that was leading to fights that shouldnt happen if we r just friends, (and I have repeatedly told him that even when I thought we were something)

To which he said, I always felt they were resolvable, so I didnt exactly mind.

The discussion from then on focused on those mutual expectations – whether they existed and whether they meant something more. It seems that for him, those expectations (e.g. that you call him first, or that you tell him your whereabouts) weren’t such a big deal. If he’s a narcissist, he might have felt entitled to be put first, not because he has feelings for you, but because it’s in his character to feel entitled.

For you on the other hand, the expectations were so big because behind them was that you’ve fallen for him, and thought that he feels the same. You assumed that he wouldn’t behave like a boyfriend if he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, so you already started treating him like your boyfriend. You claimed the right to be No1 in his life, that he reports to you, informs you about everything etc.

In short, the motivation for the two of you behaving similarly on the surface – expecting from each other a certain kind of dedication and special treatment – might be different for each of you. For him it might be his narcissism, and for you is that you have feelings for him, you’ve fallen for him.

He also admitted than he has 2 or 3 other friends with whom he regularly fights, one of them being a girl, his childhood friend. He says those are minor issues, but at the same time she asked him not to talk about it with anyone. Which tells me that those might not be minor issues, after all. He might have some flirting going on with her too.

He claims that he had too big expectations from you only once (was it when he got mad that you didn’t come on meet, btw?). And he says he didn’t feel you had too big expectations from him, except in a few occasions when he got annoyed (perhaps one being when you accused him of not letting you know that he’d be sleeping all day?).

You asked him about your intense two-month period:

Tell me just one last thing X, during these entire two month period, how much do you feel was ur fault for me ending up feeling this was ?

You again didn’t mention the real problem – his sexting, calling you bae, etc – but kept it vague. He responded by listing just one event where he sees how he possibly might have upset you, but other than that, nothing:

he legit said, just one event and apart from that whatever I did to you I did it because you were my good friend and I guess its just you who thought abt everything to this extent.

I was breaking by then, it was just so sad , realising, how much I want to be around him as a friend, but I don’t know if he deserves this friendship or should I actually let this go, and just get back to being friends( but this time with boundaries)

Since he pretended to be clueless till the end, I don’t know how he would have reacted if you gave him concrete examples of how he was crossing your boundaries. But in any case, this is what’s coming to me: Do you really want to be around a guy who sexts with you, calls you his bae, speaks so highly of you, opens up emotionally to you, behaves like a possessive boyfriend, and then says it means nothing to him and that’s how he treats all of his “best female friends”? Because now suddenly he called you his best friend, right next to his ex girlfriend who was his “best friend ever”.

He has been very particular abt to whom he refers as best friend.

So you should be “honored” to be put so high on his friends list, in fact to be put among his very few best friends, whose boundaries he can cross left and right and sext according to his liking, while acting clueless that he’s doing anything wrong. This is probably his idea of best friend – to tolerate this kind of narcissistic behavior.

I really don’t know if you should spell out the concrete examples of his misbehavior, and explain that it’s not how one should treat their best friend unless they’re interested in them romantically. It would only make sense if he were clueless about what he was doing, to sort of educate him and open his eyes. But I am not so sure he’s clueless, because you said he can very well see this kind of behavior in other guys. If so, it means he is deceptive and manipulative. And in that case, the best is to cut contact with him, and not allow him to mislead you again.
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