Dear Amy:

This is what you wrote that your boyfriend has done and is doing: “he left me.. said that I was hindering his growth… he says sorry… gives others more importance than me… he keeps apologizing to me for everything… he was giving more importance to other people….  he wouldn’t stop calling, giving clarifications and justifications.. He keeps calling and apologizing… He keeps comparing and appreciating others”.

For whatever reasons, it seems to me that you are not okay with not being the center of his attention while there are other people around. You get angry when he pays attention to other people so you fight with him and with the other people, his friends. Am I correct?

anita

Dear Amy,

I can simply say one thing, all those things you listed down- imagine dealing with all those negatives for the rest of your life? you indirectly pushing him to settle down and providing deadlines is not going to change the man. If he really values you he doesn’t need to REMEMBER a deadline to give an answer. we would KNOW the answer. if he has doubts that he has to think so much, clearly he doesn’t deserve you.

Learn to value and appreciate yourself first. then you will realize that you have absolutely no reason to tolerate anyone who treats you this way. It’s going to be hard to let go, but trust me once you do you will achieve an amazing level of freedom and happiness in your life giving room to someone who actually cares about you.

whenever he comes to you and apologizes or keeps calling and IF YOU KNOW is melts you and affects you, block him. just stay away. stay away from anything that would make you feel vulnerable. and then push yourself to come out of this.

All the best. Hope you make the right choice and wish you a lifetime of happiness.

-Luff

Dear Amy:

You are welcome. I read and re-read your posts this morning.

According to your share, you used to be “a very happy go lucky person”. Your sickness then started in 2018, a year and a half ago,  when this man “completely abandoned me.. just stopped talking to me, I was in a deep mess.. couldn’t concentrate on my work”. Following that you reached out to him and the relationship resumed. But for the last year and a half this is your experience: “he doesn’t value me, I feel dejected left in tears all the time….I am losing myself.. I get hurt… every time he hurts me a piece of me breaks down… he.. makes me feel bad about myself… I feel really bad… taken for granted… I don’t like it with him… my thinking is getting narrower… I feel like a loser.. I get irritated… I get angry really fast… everything that he does I get irritated…I am stuck… I am really clueless… I have felt really miserable”.

You repeatedly reached out to your friends during this relationship, they advised you to leave him but you didn’t follow their advice. “I  lost one of my best friend whom I really valued and loved because of my problems going on with my boyfriend… Lot of my friends they keep advising me but at the end I go back to him”.

Let’s look at your anger: “we all had an argument.. I stopped talking to him after the trip completely but he wouldn’t stop calling… keeps calling and apologizing… I get angry really fast.. everything he does I get irritated… He just says sorry I don’t talk to him but he becomes really upset.. and I start talking to him… It’s been few days that I have stopped talking to him but he keeps calling me and out 10 calls I pick up one… I get really angry at him because I just get irritated with him… she shows interest when he knows that I am parting away but yet again.. he starts his whole thing again”.

My thoughts this morning: a year and a half ago he just stopped talking to you and you were devastated. And yet, after the relationship resumed you keep doing to him what he did to you: you stop talking to him, he is devastated, reaches out  to you, you finally talk to him, then after a while, you stop talking to him, he reaches out to you repeatedly until you talk to him again. You do to him again and again what he did to you that one time.

This is not a bad man- good woman situation, where you are his victim. You are no less responsible for this dysfunctional relationship than he is. Maybe more.

“I know I have to heal myself. Please suggest ways of healing myself”-

– I suggest that you get professional help with your anger problem. I see your anger as deep and persistent and I think it started when you were a child, long before you met this man. I don’t think your anger was born as a result of meeting him. I think that no matter how hard he tries, you will find something he said or did to be irritating, fueling that anger inside you.

Seek counseling for your anger, and for what is underneath your anger, is my suggestion.

anita

Dear Amy:

There is no doubt about one thing: this relationship between you and this man is unhealthy- for you and for him. It is harmful for you, and for him. It is his first relationship, so he is getting a bad experience in his first relationship.

No doubt it should  be ended, but your friends told you that many times and you even lost a good friend over this. I suppose she got too tired hearing you complain but never ending this relationship. So she ended her friendship with you. Is that what happened?

Let’s look at the advice you gave another woman today or yesterday regarding her unhealthy relationship: “You need to let go of him to gain you. You are more important than anything in this world… No man is more important than you are to yourself… In this world there is no place for any weak person.. I would suggest that you start reading self help books… embrace your feelings and go to work… Just focus on your work… Make new friends, go  out with them… develop a hobby to distract your mind, do yoga and travel.. Start finding  yourself again, you will come out to be the best version of you“-

– yet you haven’t been able to follow your own advice. Didn’t follow your friends’ advice or your own. Why?

Maybe, just maybe you didnt, because in the context of a romantic relationship, you already are the best version of yourself. Maybe outside the context of a romantic relationship you are “a very happy go lucky person”, making new friends, going out with them, doing yoga, traveling and so forth, but once in a romantic relationship – it is a game changer for you: you become obsessed and angry and vengeful, complaining a lot, arguing and fighting and making up, again and yet again.

In your post to me you wrote regarding ghosting him repeatedly: “I don’t do it on purpose, I don’t leave him just because he left me at that one time”- I understand that, you do it because you get angry again and again. Not because you plan to do it in cold heart. Most people abuse others out of anger, not out of a cold hearted decision.

“I really love him so much that despite he ill treating me and disrespecting me I still get back to him”- you get back to him and ill treat him and disrespect him.

He “always keeps saying that I had a boyfriend before him and I am his first he wants to try others”- he shouldn’t say that of course. He should end the relationship with you, it being his first relationship and a bad one, and following a break he should try a good, healthy relationship.

“He trusts others more than me”- maybe they don’t ghost him, like you do. Maybe they are trustworthy and you are not.

In summary: you are hurting him no less than he is hurting you. You are not his victim. He may be your victim. Think about “The best version of you”, of Amy. What is that best version in the context of a romantic relationship? And be that best version now. Don’t wait for after the relationship to be your best version. Be it now. If you believe that he is hurting you repeatedly and for so long, then end the relationship for good. This is what a best version would do, isn’t it?

You wrote to me: “I have been in an emotional turmoil”- take care of that emotional turmoil, counseling perhaps.

anita