Converting my love to hate to survive

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    My husband of 15 years had an affair with a coworker. I found out on my birthday in July. He denied and lied. Did the trickle truth . He convinced me to stay and work on our marriage. Yet  I was disassociating from the marriage as I knew he was still lieing.

    Mid Sept. We were starting counseling. I was heartbroken. We fought often.

    One day he got up went outside. So I thought. I decided to go feed my horses about 15 min later.  I opened the door and found my husband had taken his own life.

    Long story short. Sherriff’s, hospital,life flight, and trauma center.  I lost him a total of 3 times. I gave permission for him to be an organ donor.  He had no health insurance.

    This man was my hero throughout our marriage. I never dreamed he would cheat on me. I never even thought suicide would be an option for him. He gave no signs.

    My counselor counted 7 traumas in a short time for me. He says my brain now misfires. I get a thought, i know there is a thought , but when I go to express the thought, it is like a hammer smacking my brain. A huge messy sounding “Thud”. No thought can be found. It is rather frustrating.

    My husbands actions murdered my marriage, murdered himself and murdered part of me.

    I have to hate him to breathe. I have to hate him to survive.

    I love him. I still love him. I believed in our marriage and I believed in us.

    I have to deny myself feeling any love for him. It is too painful. My mind doesnt understand any of this. It can not conceive the thought my hero murdered everything. Heros help and protect not destroy.

    The affair was confirmed by a std. ( curable thank goodness) After his death.  Also by his girlfriend contacting me saying she is pregnant.

    I have to convert any positive to negative.    Just to open my eyes every morning.

    My problem is now the hate is taking me over. It is becoming normal to me. But its so tiresome . Its not who I am. I am tired of thinking hateful thoughts. Screaming I hate you.  But the moment I start to try to deal with just the affair. Not his death. The pain is too much.  It is unbearable.  It physically hurts. My heart doesn’t beat right. I start to get panic attacks.  I get suicidal thoughts because I need the pain to stop.  My soul is hiding.  He murdered a part of me and what is left of me … really is not me. Im a loving caring  perdon normally.   I can no longer find that in me.

    I am afraid to look the pain in the eyes. Im afraid for myself. I have no insurance or I would commit myself to a hospital  stay .

    How can I get out of this hateful place I am in ? How can I feel and deal with the pain and survive? How can I find my soul again? How can I trust myself, like myself or be myself again.  I am so tired of hating . Im terrified I wont be able to get out of the hate.

    The only good I can tell myself is at least his organ donation helped so many people. I have heard from a couple of them. They are very appreciative of their gifts.


    Hi Michelle,

    It’s OK to hate dead people. I hated my father. When he died, he left such a mess for everyone, I still hated him. His name should have been Chaos.

    Well guess what? It’s a year later, and now I’m just mad at him. I don’t hate him. Could you imagine what pain someone must be in to be a total lifelong screwup? But I am mad at him.

    Next year, if I’m lucky, I’ll feel nothing.

    Later, in my middle age, I might like him again.

    When I’m old, maybe I’ll love the father he was when times were good.

    What I’m saying is don’t feel guilty. Hate away. Scream at the heavens. Scream down to hell. Curse that blasted woman who HAD TO (just HAD to!) tell you about her pregnancy supposedly with YOUR dead husband! Go online and get those good old fashioned hoo doo curse candles. The whole nine yards. It will make you feel better letting all that JUSTIFIED anger OUT!

    Remember, no guilt! Anger is a porthole. You have to go through it to get out of it. Suppress it and that’s when people get things like cancer.



    • This reply was modified 10 months ago by Inky.

    Dear Michelle,

    Of course you feel the way you do. Anger is one of the stages of grief associated with 1) an affair and 2) a suicide.

    How can I get out of this hateful place I am in ? By accepting that it’s one of the stages and that it will pass.

    An affair changes a marriage. It’s normal to be very angry. Tension and fighting after an affair are normal.

    You’ve done nothing wrong.




    Dear Michelle

    I have to hate him to breathe. I have to hate him to survive.

    I love him. I still love him. I believed in our marriage and I believed in us.

    I’m sorry for your loss.

    My approach to your problem may be more philosophical as it concerns love and hate so I understand if you’re not interested. These are only thoughts.

    A notion in the wisdom traditions is that there is a time for all things. A time to love and a time to hate. In this moment of time your realizing that its time for something other then hate but how to move past that?

    We live in a world of duality and in the wisdom traditions it is identified with the problem of opposites. On the path of becoming, seeing past/through the problem of opposites is the last obstacles to be overcome. (Life will constantly present us with opportunities to confront the problem of opposites)

    Here is a paradox for you… there is only Love. I know how odd that sounds especially as you come to terms with your experience of love and hate.  However,we learn by confronting the problem of opposites, which gives birth to consciousness, that the opposites are not ‘two sides of a coin, an either or, but intimately intertwined and connected so that neither exists on its own nor can they be separated from each other.  When opposites are experienced in this way, they ‘disappear’ and in that space… Love.

    Asking you to work on getting to a place of saying YES to your experience of love and hate can seem mean and unfeeling. It is not my intention to discount your experience. I understand that when you’re in it, attached to it, its difficult to see past.

    Buddhism suggest a starting place is the art of detachment and mindfulness.  Detachment is not indifference to the experience but remaining engaged in life as it shows up while not attaching a sense of self to the experience. You, your experience of SELF, is not your experiences. You are not your emotions, you are not your thoughts.  In this way detachment creates space to be mindful where you may better observe your experiences of Love and Hate – not the reasons you have for loving and or hating you husband – but your relationship to love and hate.

    In time you might realize a new consciousness of love as it is, life as it is, and find yourself saying getting to a place where you can say Yes to it all.

    I wish you Peace


    Dear Michelle

    What you are feeling is perfectly understandable and normal. But I, and everyone around you, can tell you that every day and it wont make it any easier for you. I can send you hundreds of quotes about grief and pain and even though you’ll see yourself and your suffering in many of them. Sometimes it might give a little comfort but the pain will return. In the end no one but you can make it go away.

    What I hope that I can do is to make you understand your anger and through that understanding forgive yourself for feeling the anger and hate. Because until you stop blaming yourself you want be able to forgive your husband and the pain will continue.

    You are in pain now, first your husband has an affair this causes a lot of doubt and consequently pain. Before you had the chance to handle this he took his life, and left you for good. I can only imagine the pain you feel now. But you need to understand that the pain is the cause of your anger and hate, that is the way we respond to pain when we can’t make it go away.

    I think a good part of your pain now is self inflicted. It’s caused by the the guilt you feel for being angry at him, but how can you be anything else. It’s OK, for now. But you have to break the evil circle your in at some point. I think the best way foir you to do that is by starting to allow yourself to be angry. I will encourage you to find somewhere where others can’t hear you and yell at him, yell at God at his mistress and anyone else you feel like. you are entitled to do so with no feeling of self-blame. After a couple of days I want you to start thanking him each time you yell at him.

    The problem here, as I see it is that you still love him. You rightfully hate what he did but he was your hero and the love of your life. So to start balancing things you have to be fair and love him for the good things. He is gone, what is done is done and can’t be changed. He can’t make it up to you. But there were happy times. I think it’s fair to assume there were maybe 14 good years and one bad. So while you are entitled to be angry you should not forget the good times after all it was a 14 to 1 ration. You have to forgive him, nor for his sake, but for your own.

    So just to make absolutely sure you understand my point. You could be yelling things like: You god d… cheating coward how could you do this to me. I hate you… But I love you for the times you held my hand when we walked on the beach. I love you for the way you made feel when you said I love you…

    It doesn’t have to be black or white it is very much possible to both love and hate at the same time, one does not exclude the other. By acknowledging the good things and allowing yourself to express your pain I believe you’ll find your balance again.

    We rarely remember anything but a feeling. If you go out for a night on the town with friends and have fun. Then a week later you’ll have forgotten most of what was said and done, and a year later you’ll only remember the feeling. It was a fun night. If you at a later point get angry and break of contact with one of the friends there’s a risk that when you think of the fun nigth you have you’ll now think abut the “idiot” ex-friend and when you “save” the memory gain it has been tainted and the good feeling disappears. But once it was a good memory allowing later events to change that is a choice. By forcing yourself to remember the good things and feelings aswel I believe you can preserve the memory of love and eventually you’ll let go of the pain and forgive him and then be able to move on.

    Remember feelings are good, let them out and most important remember that there are no rules for grief. Healing takes what ever time it takes. You are done when you’re done…

    Thought and love for you in this difficult time



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