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Could use a little help

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 4 days, 16 hours ago.

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  • #302623

    ImJWL
    Participant

    So I’m actually going through something similar and could use some extra advice.

    I was married for 8 years and ended the relationship in October 2018. In December, I became lonely and went on a dating app to distract myself and see what was out there and then I met a guy in January 2019. Which I did not expect to meet.

    On the second date we slept together and since January we have been talking. We do see eachother monthly and once weekly although the days that we see eachother has not progressed.

    We keep the conversations to WhatsApp and  have spoken over the phone only a few times when we are meeting up. Generally when we meet up we talk hang out and have a good time pretty light hearted and casual time, and we are very attracted to eachother and after we have sex he sleeps over, or I drive him home. The issue that I am having is that I feel like he is keeping his distance emotionally/ physically and secondly our communication. Mainly his lack of responsiveness or engagement at times on what’s app. Especially recently. He texts me one liners and I respond then I dont hear back from him for the whole day. I have addressed things with him at times on the messenger because we are so limited in time spent or phone calls. Those times have not been alot but have been heavy. Such as when there was last minute cancellations or no word at all.. as well as one time wanting to hang out with my roomates on pur third date, which I broke up with him and went off on him on that occasion. Even though we live 20 minutes away from one another. We dont see eachother very often. So it makes me feel like he is not very jnterested in me or this is just a booty call.

    I’m scared to address him on my feelings our frustration or communication needs . Sometimes I feel like I text alot because I like him and am finding it harder within myself  at times to keep my emotions in check even though I am nice to him.

     

    We did have the talk about where is this going, I dont want to get my feelings hurt if they are not reciprocated get heartbroken And He said that he feels the same way about me as far as feelings but wants to take his time and I agreed about getting to know eachother. He works in hospitality and just arrived in this country last year. He also is young attractive and got out of a relationship of 7 years. Although his Facebook status says still in a relationship and he has pictures not alot with some girls.

    I want to break it off for my mental health and mental space and also because I am afraid if I stay that this pattern of sex not seeing eachother and limited communication will continue and I will not get my needs met and continue to suffer, since I am attached to him and that I will waste my time energy on him and I will eventually explode on him or waste time. Or he will find someone else. I am scared that he may be perhaps stringing me along. And that he is not ready for a relationship with me or does not want a relationship with me or doesnt value me.

    So as you may imagine I’m feeling pretty insecure and stressed any advice on what to do?

    Ps he knows I’m going through a divorce and he is in the process of becoming a citizen.

    He did also mention that he had some doubts and when I asked he said that he did not have doubts but wanted to take his time.

     

    My friends suggest I talk to him I’m person rem or over the phone  tell him how I feel and break it off move on. I think that would be best since I dont like the anxiety and since it’s difficult for me to continue as friends and with this type of communication. I also agree that I have to be alone. And find myself and have better boundaries more self value.

    I feel that he has shown me who he is through his actions towards me. And that due to that he may not change and so I should not settle because he will not change. And the only thing is for me to accept it. Let him live his own life. I do the same and move on and eventually heal and find someone who treats me better.

    #302639

    anita
    Participant

    Dear ImJWL:

    Welcome back. This limited relationship (maybe fitting a “friends with benefits” label) is not promising at all,  in my mind. Nothing much to reasonably hope for. I think that you need a man who will be interested in you, who will communicate with you beyond  one liners once a day or, not replying to your answers to his one liners. No.. this is way too limited.

    Remember my advice to you in your Jan thread, to meet a number of men in public places, such as a coffee shop, maybe a casual restaurant or for a walk in the park and just talk, getting to know each other?

    In such talks you can ask about the man’s life, his family, friends, employment, plans, and share the same with him about you. All that, without getting physically involved.

    After meeting a few men this way, maybe a dozen or more (through a dating app perhaps), then make a choice who  to  date, one step at a time.

    anita

    #302649

    Valora
    Participant

    I want to break it off for my mental health and mental space and also because I am afraid if I stay that this pattern of sex not seeing each other and limited communication will continue and I will not get my needs met and continue to suffer

    It sounds like you really know what to do and I agree with this thought. I think it’d be a good idea to break it off and move on for multiple reasons. I also think it might be a good idea for you, while going through a divorce, to just take the time for yourself and not worry about dating for a bit. Enjoy your time being single and go do some things you’ve always wanted to do since not having to devote time to a partner gives you extra time to do and learn new fun things. Then when you feel you’re in a really good place emotionally, start meeting people for coffee, like Anita said. Take it slow. Sex adds a level of complication, especially for women, because we tend to get more attached after that.

    #302713

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi ImJWL,

    You slept with him way too soon. Sleeping with someone happens after you are in a committed relationship when you KNOW this person is crazy about you.

    This guy is not crazy about you.

    What I would do is drop the rope. Stop initiating texting/calling. Let HIM text. Respond the next day, but never write more than he writes you. He’s trying to play it cool. But he’s not that cool.

    Let HIM initiate seeing you. Let HIM make the plans. Let HIM talk about the relationship.

    Meanwhile, when he FINALLY gets to go out with you (probably after many moons of one line texts from him), DON’T sleep with him! He will be thunderstruck. Just be all, Nope, tired/not in the mood/coming down with something/plans.

    Ideally, he will buy a clue and realize that he has to put work into the relationship.

    Lastly, he is a foreigner. When he comes to his senses, don’t be his Green Card passport. Date him seriously AFTER he becomes a citizen.

    Best,

    Inky

    #302851

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hello ImJWL

    You have only just separated from your husband of 8 years and you are going through a divorce.  This is a stressful time for you with or without the pressures of dating someone new.

    You both have doubts about this relationship but you are also both going through changes in personal circumstances which is unsettling and leaves both of you vulnerable.  His behavior suggests that he is just as wary of becoming too involved with you as you are with him (you don’t want to be left heartbroken).

    This person is not living up to your expectations but then he is not a mind reader either and if you don’t tell him how you feel, how is he going to know?  You are not a mind reader either so don’t try and guess what is going on with him.  This leads to unnecessary torment.

    Do you have a pattern of bottling things up and then exploding?  If so, you may need to work on your communication skills.

    I tend to agree with your friend that you say what you want/need to say and then move on.  This isn’t working for you and, primarily, you have to look after yourself and your mental health and welfare.

    Peggy

     

     

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